Alec Mapa Is Waiting In The Living Room - EP 276
Ready? So everyone's sort of Celtic deep breath. I want I want to tell you a story. Fifty seven years ago. A bright star. Appeared in the sky. Healy and then came down to earth, and we call that star. Fengjie malone. That is Dolly Parton sing, I was gonna ask you who is this Donny party? Dolly eight away. Chipmunk? Chipmunks chip it really is chipmunks. Well. Birthday was yesterday. We have I have a little celebration little thing for you, something I always wanted as a kid, and I never got a slip slide. No coming up. Okay. We're gonna get to that. Yes. We all. We David wasn't there. Couldn't make it. I guess, but we had a little get together for flaxseeds birthday. It was me, and Nikki and Tommy and CJ and miss Alex boasting. But Alex voice team from marvelous Mazel and mad TV and I'm glad you Lois family family guy. I'm really happy to meet her. She's delight. I know isn't she and it was right near Pristina, darling. And now right down the hill. This our studio. Call Pristina darling homeless. All. Stu will him Malone lives right down the freight and Miriam darling, which is the daughter procedure. And then we realize when we were done CJ. It's like even closer to your house than my house. I know when I was like me until I said to Nick has we're all in Burbank. I told Nikki I said, oh, what do you move in Burbank? We'll tell me that on the way home, Gino Rosina. I talked about him my Lord. No. And he's like trying to lure me to Burbank. Mike. What do you think he goes, I'm open, and I was at one way funny story. Did you guys ever see back to the future? Yes. Yes. Yes. You remember when doc ran behind? Dot wait into the parking lot of ram behind the Burger King. That's where the burgers. What did where you live right by? Front. Doc rate. Doc Brown is scared because after many runs a Burger King. And he goes that's where he lists that. It's that street that we walked on. We ran behind. Everybody knows where. Well, they also knew the code to my door. Nevertheless announced it all. Yeah. We were walking code and it's like four to seven now. But that's not it, and I go it's four to seven nine and was like. The room was like, nobody cares. No, one cares. I always lock the door. I'm like, nobody wants our shit. I say that too. We have a big show today. Somebody on their way, we got again to please start the show. He's the gay best friend. You wish you had. And no you need top love. Honey. Now here he is Ross MAC. Sweet to me. Try. Ryan wilder the program. Let's hear him alone. Jay rod could go up. Nichol boy game. He CJ is here. I love catching CJ. Selby's of himself. Because I always look it. He's always like such legitimacy that you of all the girls at the baseball game eighteen of them, and they were all just taking multiple Selby's of Zine that oh, it's the funniest video. That is like watching CJ takes. I mean to kill. Great great show coming up. We were with Mr. Malone quickly. I do wanna talk about Miriam, darling. I he Fags he's in the house right in his new apart and cottage. We're getting sad. He's getting settled he's like this. And that and there was a moment where you're like. I don't know. I just don't like I said, wait till you get your couch in TV makes the place. Once you have those two things set your like, I'm home. So. Yeah. L the story about the couch. Yeah. Well, I love that. You said when you get the couch it's going to be a game changer. Right. And he kept pushing living spaces on me like spam? Spaces and I couldn't stop singing the jingle share hell. I don't know why you have to see you. Space. What? Not sure Laming it and let me spaces by myself. Yeah. They were just looking like what that's your jingle ass hats. I love living. They don't pay me. They don't pay I loving spaces. Because I'll tell you what you know what my pet peeve is. When you go out shopping or something, and you go I love this couch. This I need this couch. This is the one I want and they go. Okay. Great, Seventy-nine leaks, and yours. Rhino new because you went seventy nine weeks. I want a different xactly. So I love living spaces like wanted today. Get it tonight. You go in there before four PM delivered. There should be. That's it and you get it same day. So they brought it and what talking about the couch you picked out. Well, I picked out the first cat couch. Picked out was cute. But it wasn't like well made. So I just thought you know, what I deserve a really well made good couch, and I was walking around. He's two. I love that song. Bush. I've been doing on the podcast what my new knows. What is it? When anything is two syllables. I'd sing it like on nut Bush. So when you say. Good earlier today. He may. I have no do that. It's. Love walking around. And the you know, when you know, I saw the couch of my straight. People keep the city clean. All the couch. I thought that's Mark couch. Own. Victim. And it went up. So you see the couch you go. I wanna sit on that every day. I thought when I saw CJ. What color is it? What color is black the couch. Okay. Race. Oh. Rough trade. Every two syllable gonna get it taxi. Marie please. Yet will basically that's the story. I just sat on the couch know. I know it's kind of you can probably explain it better than me. I kind of mod it's mod. It's I think it's mid century modern century, not abrasive Lee. So it's there's no hard lines on it. It's soft, and it would you call it like a great blue like vats, and it's a lure materials very very soft. But very. Well constructed. Yeah. Yes. So you sit in it doesn't slide or anything. So the couch. They brought it in you. I am living. They had the couch their couches here. What happened was wiped as but on it? I was kind of happy. He did it. He claimed it. His. But there was no poop just an. He was just an. Like all. Yeah. Well, we're very happy very happy. You're here. Everyone's getting really local sneaky my goal to lure everyone in. I'm now three three fourths of the show, which means Fags Z how many force or left God. Please don't do gone. Any more three? Three eight one. God it tell them. How you got judging me man, half of a half. What is half of a half? A third no half of a half have half half at my finger and a half. It's so fun to do math with eggs e. So if there's half, so there's four of us, it's right for you. It's not fun for me before half of it is to. And half of half of us is a fourth which is one of us. Did I show you on member? Anyway. The point. Loves to throw math at me and terrorize me with told Fags into math quiz. What I call it fell Jabra. I know you said something. Enroll areas, but I have. Supposed to go back to the south this week this coming week to shoot a project and it got postponed. And so my this is breaking news. If you saw my social media. I have news. Okay. I'm excited because I think I asked you about this near like a tell you on the show. My book is done. In each completed. The way will do a whole reveal here on the program about the name when it's time, but it is coming out in February of twenty twenty. There will be a code coinciding tour all over the US and hopefully abroad is low. Stay tuned for them. So proud of you. Love my point is this. I was supposed to go out of town for work postponed. So I'm feeling good about finishing the book a really busy summer and late spring coming up shooting a bunch of stuff or do. And so I guess is at my front door. Yeah. Oh, shoot. Yeah. Why don't we? We have a guest coming here today. He's at the front door. Yeah. I'm gonna tell you everything we're gonna reveal that after. All right. So why don't we start? Yes. Okay. We're going to do an Alto. Now. We're gonna I'm gonna go. Get our guest bring him in right it. It's the one and only Alec MAPA. So much do coming up. I got to get him until you finish. Back. Two thousand nineteen just started in yet. History has already been made the new normal is here have you seen it brought to life in a new short film that runs only two minutes long. The new normal seeks to leave behind eighty years of unjust prohibition in favor of a safer, happier world. It depicts a product that wants to have good people to the black market as when that today is creating a new global market in this new era a plant that was tied to fear madness. Now represents a source of calm wellness from this day forward. What inspires a symbol of counter-culture is at long last just culture. The new normal has arrived to your city your neighborhood to inside your living room. Watch it now experience the new normal at med men dot com, that's med men dot com. Your calling me playing to see that your life is just one big giant. Gave me a ring. 'cause I am the king of fixing Chit. So funny contrast, I may not know what on a show the way to get back on track. Friends lovers relationship. Woes of men to kick you on your toes. So tell me what's wrong f this too long som-. I promise you that. All try my best to give you at vice where all be nice until it solve. I will not rest so become a phone or give me a boner. Don't know why I said that. It's straight it fuckin-. Best be walking to grab your phone right now. You want mumbo jumbo. Vo jar. There's only one place. This is straight talk with Ross, man. You know, it is willing back the program as we are back to get Jay rock mentioned to me. What do you think? He has went now. Oh, you our guest gets the bad headphone? Yes. Lobby after all the circuit parties I've ever been. Destroyed. We have to say, hi, art, guests is the one and only the first on talk, which I can't believe so tally. Oh tally. Oh, don't get up its offer you Damian. Okay. Alec MAPA is one of the funniest comedians actors performers in the business. How many years have you been at it? I think I'm I started in Jurassic era. There's actually a cave painting of me at the museum natural history. Must be sword dinosaur. Dine sword did their professional dinosaur weekend. I hear the dinosaur weekend weekend is like the lesbian weekend. Opponents Palm Springs, then the merchants and hardworking people have Palm Springs have to gird their loins all the baby baby dyke fights that happen on really down. India palm canyon. We'd love we. We are very supportive of the lesbian. Absolutely Nikki is here. So so where you were rowdy baby dyke where you like. I'm not gay. You'd never started. Oh, oh, I thought. Okay. We're fingers crossed. We're hoping listen the day's not over yet. But Alec MAPA is here. So funny and Alec. I was racking my brain. Because I feel like I've known you forever fan of you. I'm like when did we meet when was the first Rosie O'Donnell cruise was that the first time, which which was it Mexico? No, it was that one where we left at New York. And then we went to key west. Yeah. There that early days. Kelly were still together. Yeah. Those rosy cruises were beautiful beautiful so much fun in our family. They still do a ton of go with my family and my kid actually became apparent from going on this cruise 'cause I was brainwashed by lesbian. Do that to you? These cruises were are mazing in our family vacations are still amazing. But when when Rosie was involved in still rented an entire cruise shit, and they were filled with gay families. I have to say like to be on a boat of that many like minded people. Additionally, people with children who were never acting up to me a lot. Most of these children have polite fucking kids. Well, and I was thinking about this at the time, and I thought well, none of these kids were unwanted enga-. People have to go out of their way to have children. Right. Maybe there was something to that. Where you really truly inspired by the. I was and also I love that they didn't sugar coat it. It's really easy to romanticize parenting. But it's a shit show. You know, is it. Yeah. It's horrible. Fuck yet. It's hard kids are hard. And like people are like years thinking in spring. Know, what get a puppy? You don't have to send it to college. And I make sure you're in that Mike when people ever here. Do we talk about the journey because I'm so inspired by what you did. In terms of how you your family came together. This can we talk about that experience? So how did you use gotten personal so quickly? Let's each and every one of us just for fun share our most painful, childhood memory. So we are coming up where to be talking about worse celebrity cooks in America on food network, which network and doom patrol on DC universe. I'm a super villain. We're gonna talk about coming up so fast that we've never had this conversation yet in terms of how you put your family together. Your your husband you've been together for how long now we've been together for seventeen years. What would you say is the key apologizing? If I want to end an argument with my husband, I have to say just two words, you're right. And do you do you mean that all the time? No, no, no. I never meant it. Yes, I have meant it. But it's really about being seen in being heard and being vulnerable. That's another thing. I think people romanticize being married living in the same house in fucking the same person for over, you know, that number of time, and then being queer person and that environment, and how do you negotiate, you know, your sexual relationship, and are you poly-amorous monogamous and all that stuff that's fucking work. And the thing that makes me and my husband work is he's fucking hilarious. I laugh every day. He's a he has the worst kind of sense of humor like the record scratching sense of humor. So all of our close friends have to be terrible people hang out our house, and it was left to come over. Yeah. Yeah. You're welcome. You're welcome. We have good sex. He has a really nice, dick. And he's funny. But I think that that's he say that you sharing hold on. I love that. You just went there and said he had a nice deck. I love that. I wanna know do you have to get to get really creative. If you've been together that long with the sex. So how what your number one give number one thing to get creative. Like, what do you do? It's it's it's embellishments. Like, we it. Well, my husband is is a tall skinny white boy who likes a Little Brown, boys. Right. So there's a casual wrestling singlet. I have two jokers. This is absolutely true. Guys wrestle. No just wear wrestling singlets, just where I do have heels. No, no. Did you wear? I when you were single I should've I should've maybe I wouldn't have been single for as long as I do. But I I wear an actual wrestling. And there's something about that that just turns him bananas. So that's that's the trick or treat. What color is maroon is it? A train it. It's an Andrew Christian kind of bright green. Baggy looking shiny spandex like like, no one ever worn high school. Like, what does he wear for you? Well, he's tall. But I like them tall. I I'm I've always been the guy with the freakishly tall boyfriend. He's like on the short side for me. Like, I'm usually with somebody who's seven foot three how he's six feet. Okay. So had these old platform river boots that that he's wear the nineties, and everyone did exist, and I think they're about five inches, I'll hair. So when he puts his on his six five, and I find that super sexy. Nobody's ever asked me one bowl times they had sex. No one ever asked me to put something put on anything or do anything. It was just like I was just grateful to be there. And then a forty five seconds later was done. Yeah. Yeah. No. You have to make shit up. That's a huge responsibility. And also in a marriage you find each other. You lose each other. I mean, especially with a kid we get all caught up and the kid the kid the kid the kid the kid the kid, and then my husband, and I go out on a date. It and then we'll get drunk someplace, and I'll go my God. I forgot your Larry. And I love you. You know? You know? What do you do when let's I've walked in on my parents, having sex has your son walked in on you. That's the one thing. My husband is totally like we're not ever doing it with the kid in the house. Yeah. I don't do it with kidding house. And I never ever get enough. Also, I'm loud. So are you allowed sex person? Like, I said, I'm like I said we were on a cruise any wanted to fuck outside. And I was like I wanna fuck outside because we're so loud. It sounds like cats fucking. I said, yeah, I said if we have sex outside somebody's gonna throw a shoe at me. Can I ask you a question is that an exaggeration? Or is that real the Illinois? I like like when something feels really really good. I'm I'm like. Grun like y fucking hold back. You know, and like you ever made that noise never go wrong with you. What are you waiting for? I'm like Diane went to fuck in in. Are you loud? I know people told me I'm like I've had guys go. You love to be loud. Once I would love to have sex again one day. I thought you were fucking somebody last time. I saw you shut up you. Okay. All right. You can ask all the personal shut up. All right. Let's move on. I think I've just busted somebody. We're not we're not getting personal here. Let's go from getting fucked up the F, I segue. Segue. You shittiest segue ever. But I wanna talk about how you put your family together because it's fascinating. I'm absolutely interested doing I'm absolutely against now absolutely interested specifically in how you did it. I'm fascinated by the process. Your family is beautiful your son beautiful. You walk me through just in case. People aren't familiar? I'll you guys got came to this, my friend, Amy hill, my best friend, Amy hill, who's now on magnum, PI fabulous. Actress she adopted through the foster adopt system in Los Angeles. There's like two hundred and fifty thousand foster kids in California, we have the largest concentration of foster kids in America. And then I went on that Rosie cruise, and then I saw foster families that look like mine, I saw gay dads. I saw gay moms. They were all exhausted. I said gay parents are just like straight parents who just have a greater ability to be sarcastic. And had you always wanted to be a parent. We were always. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That NIA I'm a mom, but I'm a mom with my friends because I'm a cancer. So I'm like, I'm always feeding people always taking care of people. I'm the person you call when you're breaking down at eleven fifteen like, a friend of mine said I I know it's early, but do you have any wine? I said have we met? Yeah. So we're very similar. Yeah. So so I was on the our family cruise all the families. And then we went to a seminar where they said that they gave us all the statistics. They said that about all the kids there's four hundred thousand in America at any given time there's two hundred thousand in California. The most desirable placement is a Caucasian baby girl. The hardest placement is nobody wants them over the age of three. Nobody wants a boy. And if they're black forget about it. They said a Caucasian baby girl is seven times more likely to be adopted than African American boy over the age of three. And I was like listen, I've got nothing against little white girls. I've been I've been one my entire life. Our? But I was like I'll not in that moment. It was like we just looked at each other. And we both kind of said at the same time. Our son is black. Our son is going to be black. Not he's is we really felt like he's out there, and we have to find him. And so how did you find him? How did you go? The we met a with an agency on the cruise called southern California foster family, adopt adoption agency. And now, they're called extraordinary families. If you go to raise a child dot org. They're an organization that recruits foster parents, and and let's give them all the info about this. I mean, these are kids who'd like. Don't don't have. Parents that parent that sounds so I remember when I was in college, I met this girl Latisha, and she had just turned eighteen and we went to call it. Right. And we're talking about my parents, my parents this and she was like, well, I was in foster care. So they gave me a gap gift card. Yeah. Yeah. When she got out there. He has no family met a seventeen year old girl. And she said in in that seminar said I salon adopted and people are like why do you wanna be adopted and she's going I got straight as I'm going to college. Don't you think I want some place to go home to thanksgiving or Christmas? I mean at that totally broke me, and then you about a child going through that. And so we said, we're we're we're gonna put in for an older kid three to five how old. Xian's ion he is fourteen. Now, how old was I when he was five. Okay. So did somebody call you and say we have a fire? So we go through six weeks of parenting courses, you're you're often. Twice a week. Once a way that's more than my parents ever. Did like parenting class you have to pass CPR and first aid your home has to pass a safety inspection. They really, you know, I know I was like I grew up without a seatbelt America up here. Put me in the back of the pickup as he opened his Schmidt beer when we got home dry Cheerios on the floor. And this was honestly so so in in thanks giving of two thousand nine and he was great debts. I read your book your dad, so nice. The red really always sticking up for you. While you're picking spinach. It's just like did read the I I've been reading my own book since I was forty so so we got a call. And we said it was thanksgiving two thousand nine they said, we got this. Great kid and take all the boxes. He's five. He's a fiction it. He loves school. He's he's emotional. He's he's he's emotionally available. He's engaging. He's really dynamic. He's a personality. Well, when with and we were like, great, we're going to meet him thanksgiv-. Ving? We're going to take your black your parents black grandson home for the first time, blah, blah, blah. We're just good hit. And then we got a call the next day saying you're out of the picture family member came forward and the judge ordered them. They stay with family, and that's important. That's where they belong. But how did you Hartfield that my heart was like, you know, when your heart, sinks, they call it that because that's what it actually feels like your heart's in an elevator and goes to your. So you'll like Chris this is my my yes Christmas was terrible. Thanksgiving was terrible. And then they offered a new situation in January. And this is what happened. So they call us said we got this kid. And we said, you know, what we we don't feel the same way about this case that we did about Zion. Another something about that case. And until we feel that again as she goes, wait, let me let me call you back in ten minutes. Let me find out what's happening. So she causes back in ten minutes and said the placement would the relative has been a complete disaster. A disaster. You have to come pick them up tonight at five my God. Oh my God. Nast about. Yes. So if I hadn't we hadn't made that call that day. So. Rancher target. We got he's gonna say. Have have shit shit. No, see go pick him up question. So when you foster to a dog, you run the risk do or let me ask you, do you run the risk that at a certain point until if you decide in adoption yet because if that family member web -solutely you do run that race. How do you protect your heart from what? What? Here's the thing. That thing that scared me was if I have to give this kid back, I'm going to jail lag. I was just, but you have they say put it this way these kids just need they're exhausted. I mean, imagine when you're moving how stressed out you are an adult, and you're you're not settled imagine, we can speak defects lost his home and had to a lot of moving. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. I do questions when you picked him up, and you got him in the car, the two of you. What was that like because I would be like you want to go to McDonalds like I'd be trying to say what you say. And how what's that whole feeling? So this is what happens they said he's in the other room, you can go pick them up. And it's just like that we've been qualified this pick him up. He's I walk in see a tiny little boy sitting between two garbage bags one had all his clothes on the other hand, I'll toys and he looked just so tired. He was just another baggage shit that somebody had just dropped off. And then I really got for the first time. This isn't a five year old. This is a baby right? Everybody wants a baby when you're five you still need your mommy, and daddy when you're seven you still need your, mommy and daddy. I was like this is a baby and the injustice of a kid wandering around with no place to go. Just kind of like I made me angry. I kinda hit the roof. But and it just kind of centered me immediately. And the first thing he said to us was do you wanna play don't break the ice? Remember that game where you send the polar bear plunge into. Yeah. I don't know it it's it's it's always blocks of ice that are packed together tied in a square, and then you have these little mallets and you tap on the ice. It's like Jenga one falls out try to play game. Yeah. So we played games for like forty five minutes, and I said are you hungry, and he goes, yes. So we picked up everything we took them out to the Volvo, the official gay dads station. I want a free one. And then I said, okay. What do you want to eat? And he said Chucky cheese, and I turned around. I said we are not spending our first together as a family. No, no. But I that was me I became apparent immediately. So where did you go? We went to a place in my neighborhood where I live on the on an in Highland Park eagle rock area. We went to a pizza parlor that was had wholesome ingredients and non scary because there's a Chucky cheese in my Bank right near CJ fancy me, not near Nikki, it's or. I isn't it. I just don't I've never been. But now, I kind of want to go tonight. Jesus really interesting. You have to abo- pit. Go to tease, you better. Purchase a has Metsu all. All the grows Boorda bell. Yeah. See you get home. You realize I assumed this shit. There's a kitten house will. But it is certain point. You're like, I this should be official, right? Yes. So what is the process between two right fostering, and then to adopt. She he had to get parental rights. Terminated term, it's called and you posture. Adopt higher Lord. Business. Yeah. Higher lord. Just the organization to state gives you a lawyer. Okay. The state provides everything and you also get a check even after you adopt, which is really nice. I appreciate that check as for my therapy. So. You get a lawyer to do all that. What was question when you decide that you want? We'll get official that this you want to make this official cross teepee are happened six months into the adoption because he was so old the thing that was. Interesting to us about zion's case was he'd been in the system for so long. The mother had been given so many chances to if you do ABC and d you get your kids back. It's pretty easy to get your kids back is if you really want your kids back, it's a matter of Guetta job clean your house. Stop dating a murderer. And when the judge. Yeah. Little things if you really want your kids to high fly, no those murders. So. Callback. In. So that they want them to be back with their parents. But so she didn't show up to any of the court hearings. She didn't show up to any of the visitations. That was the thing to kill me. She had an opportunity in the first six months together to visit him and never showed up. So that I had to not even say we're going to visit your mom because I didn't want to set him up for than so nine months into that. So teepee terminated she still had another sixty days to change her mind and then nine months after he came to live with us. He was legally adopted and there's a place in toward city terrace where all the adoptions happen. And it's just a really really happy day our courtroom had the most people the most diverse group Purnea Adams was there. I haven't you know, I had transgender showgirls. I have underwear model just fill out the place and like hugging my in-laws. And it was just something. For those nine months. Oh, you can watch the whole thing on Alec MAPA baby. Daddy, my Showtime special which is now playing on YouTube. I can't sprint so everybody. Please watch that. But yeah, that's fantastic. But I have to ask you. This was your. For those nine months as you're falling in love with his soul in building a family. Are you everyday petrified? You can get the phone call. But you know, it's one of those things it's kinda like the phone call is back to here's the thing. I'm I'm a total narcissist. Like, I'm surprised that. I'm even making eye contact with anybody. There's there's the mayor's way over there look into it. When you have a kid, it's not about you anymore. Do you know what I mean, it could be up all night going? Oh my God. My God God. But it's like he needs to be fed. He needs to be washed. He needs clothes he needs. He's crying right now. He he scared right now, he doesn't know where what he needs right now. He's in a bad mood right now. And so you're constantly in the process of doing. I would I it relationship. Yes. But from an outsider's perspective, it's really easy to say. You know? What what could happen? I mean, there was that Britney Brown talk where she said the most on its on Alex right now, they said, the most terrifying emotion, we can feel as human beings as joy because you're like, oh my God. What's going to happen? You know, you're seeing your kid off the senior prom car crash. You know, when you're when you're standing over your child, you know, you're like you're thinking, oh my God. I didn't know. I we adopt kids. This is why we adopt kids. This is the only reason dot kids little kids is to what they look like when they're asleep to feel like when you're looking at when your sleep. It doesn't matter if they were assholes the whole day, you're like that's goddamn angel. Wait what? Now, maybe when they sleep is just beautiful. There's. Chardonnay Kwan never sleep. She know. Okay. So we we have now. And so now exhausted your patient. Old your family having a teenager. Who was that awful? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. If anybody wants to kill me today and make it look like an accident though. Stop it. But no one can hear you Fags east, you're sharing the most awful thing about puberty was described to me this way, you you you she formed the most emotionally intimate relationship you've ever had in your life. And then they break up with you may break. My son has broken up with me emotionally because that's what we need to do in order to evolve you break up with your parents when you're fourteen are there any strike any sweet moments, though, when you go my boys back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yes, or no. I mean, do you recommend it for me? Look at me in the eye. Okay. Do you recommend it for me parenthood? I think you have a lot to give somebody. I think you have a lot to offer. And if we are all alike, you're all your mom already to everybody. You know? Right. And this is kind of that on steroids, which he loves. Yes. Yeah. Thrive. And also there babe magnet you walking around with the baby. Then you would then you would get laid big time. Yep. To tire. Tired? I have to because now you, of course, you are a father, but you are busy Hollywood professional alloy. Actress kids profession, and you are on food network's worse worse elaborately chefs in America in America. Now, I love this show because it takes people can't boil water. They actually asked me years ago to be on the celebrity version, do it. No. Because I cook every day. So I was like I doesn't make it doesn't make any difference. They just want you do you are you really bad at the and follow a recipe. I didn't have any instincts on my own in terms of temperature for the oven. How long like I don't cook steak a lot. I didn't know I cooked meat a lot. So they ask you, and let's talk about who's on the show with airing right now every Sunday food network nine eight central and also streaming on the food network. There's there are some grapes levies one in particular. Kim with Louis Taryn manning Morgan Fairchild Tonya Harding Jimmy Walker Jonathan lip. Nikki Jim J Bullock the shit. Great cats. Jonathan live Nikki he's a little kid from Jerry Maguire now, he's like, yeah. I have to talk about Tony harder. Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't want to know who was on the show. I was like Ryan give shit. I know. I just I was like I was like the first day. I walked it. I was like this isn't a who's who gives us shit. So so I I said I said this everybody wanna hear my Jimmy Walker impression. It was like running. I'll take it. So funny Jimmy Walker dynamite. So I fly over good times. You've never one time. I don't I didn't know. Sorry, don't tell me. I said that I don't know him. I saw them. So why did no have good times? How would you be on repulsed drag race and never watched Goodson? I don't know prefer plethora. Acting job petty. Oh, now, you know. I had no idea. I'm lying. I have no idea. I'll say I do y'all. Tung talk on your party. So I I didn't want to know. Okay. Tonya Harding for me was ease. My first celebrity crush. I loved the bangs. I was always on. Everybody was because people were so shitty to her people are so she everyone was, but I think a lot of gay people were on Tanya the judge for to her everyone was her. She hadn't grown fucking close. You have anything. How is she? So. So here's where you'll smoking. Yes, she's still smoking. So I I've liked to to New York to Williamsburg Rick shot, and I watch I Tanya on the plane three time later. Rowe. And then you don't know she's going to be that. I I open the making door. She's the first person. I see I spread my arms out wide. And I gave her a big hug, and I said, I'm so sorry. Larry hating on the nice with her though. It's like silk office pool. Anybody recording this? Well, hopefully, j rat. So I I I I say I'm so sorry that how do you would you guess, it's okay. It's better than being a punchline for the best five years. Margot Robbie nailed it. She got her. Exactly. She's great issue. Nice. Really? She's fucking Anna. How many times did you bring me up random conversation so much that it was like she had to read? So the goal. I thought she was having a seizure. I stuck wooden spoon down her mouth choke on a row, wait. So the goal of this show is to become the best of the world, limitations. So how do you? I looking at your face right now. I have a feeling in my every inch of my body that you do. Well, I have no poker face. I do you win the angered -able Asian thing. Skipped me you do. Well, I'm not going to say that I won the whole thing. And I'm not going to say that I didn't now when you win the whole thing. Do you make a ton of money you make a ton of money for your charity? But but it is like dancing with the stars. Where the longer you stick around. The look what is your charity? My charity is raise a child which. Recruits create foster fan. Talk to me about this other show that you do I wanted the charity to be myself. I think I'm in the middle of garage remodel. I'm building an additional dwelling Jack says that the money will go to charity. Oh, by the way. I've changed my name to charity. Yeah. That's great. I'm okay. So now walk me through this other show Vilius I play animal vegetable mineral man do patrol starring Matt Bomer, we love poem, the Brendon Frazier. A Diane Guerrero April bowl believe you drop dead gorgeous. And who else and Timothy Dalton is the guy from what's happening on it. Yes. Jimmy, wall rerun. Reruns on it, or you don't know, you don't know rerun what any black shows. They were the best shows. I watch. I watch different Astro. No. I want different strokes. I watched. So good times came first. And then times was the was listener gives the first. Younger than everybody in this room. It's I'm sorry, the jeffersons. Never rod, you you. Yeah. These were the black of a me when you're talking to. Right. I was like who we talking away. I've never really been with hooked up a couple of times of white guys always people of color, whether we're so. So a lot. Because he's Louisiana. He's cajun. So he's black work counts for Mason. Rest obsessed with homecoming. Watching. How do people watch this program? I I'm gonna show you have to go to DC universe. It's streaming app which will probably be absorbed by the Warner app, which is coming in the fall. But it's the it's I'm not a comic book show person. And usually when I'm on a television show. I'm like you can win. Okay. But this is a really really great show. The cast is amazing. They're all misfits. They're all outsiders, and the comic book is wackadoo. Like one of the characters is called Danny the street. It's a gender button non-conforming street that that transports to different cities until the weirdos. And there's a bureau of normalcy in the USA that's trying to get rid of it. And there's an FBI agent who chose to a drag queens. Con doom patrol patrol on the DC, you a DC universe. I play somebody who wanted extraordinary superpowers. I purchase them through unethical means, and I'm left in the monster cooker for too long, and I turn into animal vegetable mineral man, one side of Groot. The other side is all on the other side. I have a dinosaur head sticking out of my right? That I called Denise. Years. Now, I'm in show business. Thirty five. So let me tell you something that is so hard to do what be in this business long. Yeah. Because it sucks a lot of the time. It does. But you know, what you've got. Well, I you got chutzpah. Now, you've got you've got hustle, and you got the talent to back it up. I have to say that's why you work so much and so long so congratulations to you for front of our community and educating so many of us by being a trailblazer. In terms of you know, a gay dad who went through the foster system. It's fascinating to me. I think it's great that you're on this. I don't glamorize it. I mean, parenting the parenting or being an actor. I recommend Turkoman. I think you're gonna win. That's celebrity cooks in America on food network doom patrol on DC. You check that out Alibaba working, they find you want social media at Alec MAPA, Instagram, and Twitter and Facebook and on YouTube, I meet Alec MAPA and watch my special Alec MAPA, baby. Daddy. Yeah. You can hear all about the. Process becoming a baby daddy, you're the real deal. You know, I love. On your being here. Thanks for the big Meatball. You're welcome. When we come back. I'm gonna finish this before. Also, we've got bowls deep Nikki training, the blackness and Jay rats can eat vegan me whether he likes it or not. He's been dreading it all day, and it's going to happen. Much more straight talk on the way. Hi, are you the handyman? Where's your truck? Will. It's just me my bike and a couple tools. Oh, by handy map pain or bicycle handy. Math pain or bicycle handyman pain or bicycle handy. Man, Justice simple man, working promised by his his Barry. Stelle on his by by at at paid or by citgo and the man pain or. Ambi man pain or by. From the table surived the pod. Set onto. Bye. See live every to stay at three straight talk with fellow wet food. It's too much. Most strive and connect. The J and spoiling Nikki by in all down on big. And. Which is which. The. Hello. Party. What is happening? Ryan. Rerun? Yeah. He did I ever do that. But birthday part. Malone birthday party. Coming up. What find bag here? But you know, where you were fighting at is new apartment that high. Hi. Up club. How fascinating was it to hear about Tonia Harding? I. I have to say Alibaba too is in my living. Walls away from us. Having a glass lying waiting for us to wrap up to have a KiKi lurking to go there, and he's going to be drunk. Uh-huh. I don't know if he says this, but allegedly I might have set down a vape pen on the total. Anyway, welcome back to the program every day as we are celebrating the birth of one fake. That's the either for you one. Of course, have a vegan Meatball here with his boss that I created that is barbecue sauce of Frings red hot sauce, a little chili garlic pace and hunting. Isn't it delicious? You is corruption through that recipe. I made it up as I went offers. Yeah. Go ahead. You either. I want. I you said you're going to put them in a crock pot. And you did I did do wonderful things. Now J rod if you listen to the program last week said all I know I haven't been eating sauce about eight whatever sauce you all one next week will guess what? J rod we up to the game, then added balls. So I need you. Now, the time has come for you to try a vegan Meatball in Ross's barbecue sauce. Can you do that? Listen to a deal deal right already. Just everything in. It is good stuff. There's nothing grocer segue. There's a chickpea in it. There's gonna lie. It's repulsive the whole day. I've been dreading. This don't do it. If you don't wanna do you have to just let down to nation, but do along. All I'll taste ball. Put a ball my mouth. Okay. A little barbecue. It's a little sweet you like barbecue. Right. I do like barbecued over the vegan part because it's actually just think of it as a bunch of like ground up veggies like packed into gather with some breadcrumbs. That's all. That's all. It is. Okay. Come the super. Did it in it. There's nothing. There's no meat in it. There's no weird. I want to give a lick. Okay. Try there. Try mother. Maybe you lick the ball. I because that sauce is a beautiful saws. If you look the ball. I all right. Good luck. You have your soda right there. Ready? Smell it. He's don't smell it. You don't tell him. And what does it actually smells a lot like barbecue thing? And you like barbecue facts, can you rip off a piece for me? Author sweaty. He's like Eminem before the rap. Okay. This bombing on my sweater chew witness spit into your mouth. I've heard. Jay, you're breaking j only we leave nine our bio. We don't have all this time. Just take put it in your mouth undermine. I'm not breaking or non ring. Hundred Afghan cannot yell at our kid go. I just feel like I'm this. I feel like I'm defeated ready. Ticket in my mind. Over matter. My love put the ball in your mouth. Give it back to his time in my ball yet. He hasn't. He has to you. I've been on dates better than this. You couldn't even touch the ball. What freaks you out about? It the veggies. I don't know everything this sauce the smell sauces barbecue like barbecue. But there's more to ivory left guys. Okay. This is bad. News is bad. Why? He's haven't done that in years. Listen, I haven't done that year. Hey reid. I just want to say I'm disappointed disappointed disappointed in years. I train your regression. No, no. Let me tell you. You were going to were you going? I was going to try hell that to life. Life doesn't give a shit if he were going to try light cares about the progress. You make the growth that you make a human being if you're happy sibling sitting idly by as the world passes you by ten then you do that. But I want to tell us very proud of you in the progress, you're making you're addressing your past lives as a young Irish girl during the potato famine. Were you were delving deep into your member? We did pass aggression lines. And that we were finding were understanding why you were scared and then were liking some of the things you did it stop. That was the problem. I stop it. But if you're happy with wherever you are. And you don't wanna grow anymore. Good for you. You've done excelling it. Life can just punch. Your clock punch your card your time card and call today and never grow again. Lord. This is getting I don't know. I don't want this. I want to like Ross. Bye. Take a bite. You didn't try you didn't even touch it started gag gag. I don't like the meatballs can have any. There's like eight more left. They're delicious put a corner one in your mouth and trying to bite it you to put the whole ball in your mouth. Oh god. He's already like getting hot spots. Don't mentally. Let me ask you. What it what it is? As you take. He's taking the bowl and he's looking at them. Yeah. And they're just little meatballs with like chick peas and greens and shit like that and a beautiful barbecue sauce. I created for you that everyone seems to love because I knew that you like barbecue sauce. You did that is true. Stick your finger in the bowl and try this. Aw, that's a safe move. Let's start with that. I think you can do it. Okay. Yeah. Try try it because I feel like the ball is with the homemade goodness made just for you. That's barbeque just for you these dipping finger in. Okay to this little boy Jay wiped it all off he's already gagging. Ladies and gentlemen. Just just stick it in your mouth, don't smell it just stick. You can't even taste my barbecue sauce. He's gagging. Is why can't you taste my barbecue? I don't know. I don't know. What happened? It's PTSD. No. You know, what it is? What it is. What is it? Yeah. It's you really want to go there. Go there. Go there us. Oh shit. I think it's laziness. Oh. On become Ross because you have told me for weeks. Yes. That you would try red hot sauce Frings red hot sauce. You said last week that any sauce anyone of us broaden here this week, you would dry and now here you are not even licking the barbecue. I made for you off. You're just looking slick did nothing sweet kind of good and save any. Gagging. And it was like barely. It wasn't bad. It just for some reason. I can keep it down it triggers it triggers. You see how you pushed yourself and take you to your pushing Ross. I know I pushed you there for your own house. Fucking good will look for your own. This is for you J. Rod you only you only what's best. I understand that. I really know what happened. All right. What the story was telling can you? Switch out of here. Thank you. Jay rod, very proud of you for trying. I mean, you didn't you. Much house for j rod do take some my balls. The ball soup. Okay. So I was telling your story before alma who sitting tools walls away waiting. I rap. Ross like fifteen minutes. Have this next week off? Right. So where am I going? Yeah. Where where are you going to go? Now, I have the week off. I said I'm going to go somewhere where Jay radio K. Oh my God. He's over there. 'cause he looked bar finger. Tiny bit. Like it wasn't easy getting free ninety day. Right. It's greasy. So where am I going everybody where am I going? If you tell me where I think I'd get to be so. Second. We did not discuss this as a couple because the less favor there. Mickey said to me two nights ago, she goes when are we going back to Puerto Vallarta? And I was like in the back of my head like. I'm Michael might because I had this gig in it was cancelled in I booked flight to Puerto Vallarta. I actually have to correct myself. I didn't book a flight to put a Vallarta. Do. I two flight support of Arctic CJ is coming with me. Get engaged to get married. Have a honeymoon. And then bring CJ on a vacation. No, I didn't do any of that. And I are going to put it on Arte. To just get away. I started my book they're back there a symbolic full embolic, full circle jerk. Do you wanna come? I do I talked to you about the day Ryan expensive. It is very expensive in expensive j rod do you want to come? I will pay for you. If you eat one hundred balls. Oh, you got it. Right. One. Hundred vegan with Ross's spent. No, that's okay. He says you couldn't even hundred but you don't know me. Thirty minutes. I would do that just to go to one hundred balls in thirty minutes. I you you'd never dated. Seven or eight in there, and that's a meal one hundred dollars. It's a trip to Puerto Vallarta in an hour an hour. I'm not by the way. Billion ball. Like, no, I'm going. Yeah. Yes. Making you wanna come? She goes eight she got to do something along. What? Growing. Getting into Kuwait. And I was like, oh, why didn't you ask me? Oh, please. Oh, can you wanna come? We leave on Sunday. Are you going to pay for my ticket? No, no last time on our honeymoon you paid for with the really. I don't know what. Honey when you're talking about. But anyway, a photo in the pool. Okay. I'm so excited you're going, and I'm so as you should celebrate your book, and the fact that you started there you finish it there. And you see a good Gutu? Balls. Alex waiting in the. They're just sitting glass. With backseat. Balls deep barbecue. It's begin balls deep with facts. Stephen Ross threaten God stretches have been so weekly. All right. This is from a straight talker on Ross's episode of Hollywood medium Ross mentioned he and his dad had a song. They would sing to catch fish yet. But he didn't wanna sing it on air because it was too dirty. What he's seeing it on the podcast. If you read my best selling book man up available everywhere still in there, the chant it's not song. It's a chance of chant in. My dad would always say Ross rocky rock it's time for the chance because we're not catching fish. So I'd stand up in the boat the little boat and wobble back and forth. And like my gripe Shasta would like little upgrade. Am I doubt would be smoking? He'd be. Like just on like, you know, twenty four right, right? And I'd go the he taught me this chant and always worked we caught fish rat shit bat shit, dirty old Thuat thirty seven assholes tied in a nut lizard shit. Picture me nine top of my lungs at the lake echo. One more time we wartime love how it cuts off. That's it. That's all you get. Okay. Can we talk about? And I was meant to bring this up last week on Paul Steve, go, your new piano Ono. My god. I know all week. I kept thinking how can I forget to talk about his PI? Do have a new. No. And I've been practicing I've been practicing a lot. And I think I I bought it for myself. It's like the first time I ever really bought just something for me that I like this. Have to be a person. What is your best friend could be an inanimate object? Leisha lord. Tia? Fucking dramatic. The second one even better. What what's however, the first one's good? Well, hold on the second. I love Hanno. This is I'm playing wheeled the piano in here. And listen. Chopsticks hold on. Really good. It's good. Am I good? You like. Hold on. I know it let me finish. Okay. Great. I was like, what do you think? I learned that so far too like that. That's pretty good right guys. I went from nothing to that. So you got to go to the next level. What was your are you taking lessons online? The second one. I learned. What? Come hear the music. And I think. Is. Carol Channing Kami. The head. About two. Ever watching. Are you kidding? I took lessons. I wield the piano in here. And you are you kidding me? Ill. Pick this party everybody. This party. Come out rerun. What is it? Ladies. Down on it. If you like it, then you should apply to ring. Twenty twenty rice when you go to some Republican. Catholic their three week free. Great job. I learned on these. Bharti? I knew pick it up but beyond say. Oh. Oh. Oh CJ. Jackley we have just taken away CJ every talker. According to you know, the gut beyond meat now taco bomb you go finish. This is my practices part. It sounds like something really quickly. I end it really quickly. So I've been doing a lot of practicing on this new piano. I need a name this Lord. The trolley. You've got a name your piano went. A little things easing. When my heart stream from the moment. I saw him. I fell. Clank clank something the motor buzz buzz buzz went the Ono don't know what that is. Then something else happened. Oh my God. And I saw someone really hot on a trolley. Could he grab my goals? I said. He knew what that meant that lots. I said, hey, come over here. What? Yeah. Client, clean clean. But the hunter the worst house guy. I don't know what your name is. But I met you on a drawl, Ian, I wanna go own with you. Oh my God. I'll do that. On a tray. So I've been practicing really. Word. I really liked to have a name to the piano. So if you wanna suggested name, you can hit us up on social media, we're at Hello Ross pod. Alec MAPA waiting Stratton. Oh my God. On it that you were at the taping of American idol is puberty. I know did you have to time machine. Did you enjoy it? I think it's cute American idol in fifty. I is it. This is still good best group of talent. I've ever seen in my life. Okay. Loan away on believable my trend distant director. And so I called MAs a kite tickets. He's like sure so I was right behind Lionel. And I screamed Lionel's name and he looked right at me. And he kinda like put his finger like towards me, and I was a girl that yelled. Yeah. And then I waved and then my step kids looked at. Did you see? You're weird. No there. It was really fun. It was it's so interesting to see the life teen. It's really that. You love I have some good bad jokes. I have a quick one for CJ CJ stri. So I heard that one of your episodes on can we kick it you really open up. Really talk about yourself 'cause I'm excited to listen to it. What is it? Just life and things it's a it's a it's a great episode. Just about understanding why we do we meaning me why do what I do think the need to to to grow. And learn we looked at baby pictures, it's like the drag drags, man. What would you say because sometimes you get lost in the sauce of life and try to pay bills. And be whom you are right. Love people were saying they really loved it loved that you opened up like that. So I love that on that show and on this show too. We can really get serious. God. Your Trump every day. Straight up with Ross. Okay. What's the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your anal. Make sure whole. What you come? Does a gay man have. But load, okay. Let me show you. What's the difference between our said that what what do you? Call a fisherman who can't fit five worms on one hook. A master baiter. Wait, they who can hook fit. What do you? Call a fisherman who can fit who. I n fit what I can't. Yeah. Oh, sorry can fit five rooms on. Oh. That's it. Got more in there. No. That's it. That's good. You'll have one more in there. Right. Knock knock who's there? No, that's not what's what's green has crumbs on. It lays in the gutter. What we run over girl scout. But no source of grow scouts, and I'm not. Oh god. Sweetie. Mickey alec. Hurry. Waiting in the living room? I've got idioms. Title of what you call me. Right. Okay. Come back in fifteen ninety one. Put your put your thinking caps on everybody back in fifteen ninety one this term originated meaning that person had weapons and was prepared to fight with them today. It means something a little different like if you're angry, maybe infuriated. This term is derived from the word firearms. But today, it's shortened, what is the term? Is it shortened long? I I don't know. I don't know certain for. Getting their arm in Denver injuries. When you're the the definition is when you're angry, you're infuriated. How do you feel in your around, right? Hot remark. Most of the time heated angry upset spending money for that. Okay. And it's derived from the term firearms gun loaded fully loaded fired up trigger rigors up in arms. Oh for heaven's one. More time. Oh, my to what is it? Again. Would you say up in arms up in arms only God? This term may be the oldest one that we've ever discovered as early as nine twenty see I look up with that meant what does the common era, cookie elephants? Hello. Agreed retitled cookie elevates on cookie. I challenge you this the oldest one pound as early as nine twenty see this is an athletic move that also means going out of your way to make somewhere. Happy to make something happen working very hard to accomplish a task short. What we didn't ask could this be out of the park. Oh gymnastics move backward yet. But never. L aponte challenge you to write a song about bending over backwards. A you know, Mickey really phenomenal including Jones. So it was great that we had our desktop about, you know, adoption, and and speaking about kids and having love and love and home hearing Ross speak about. Thinking about it and contemplating having questions. I listen here washing listener again, I forget that I came here as a listen got an apply for this. So watching what I want Ross asking me questions Zing in, you know, Nikki and you with your being the mom that comes in with your daughter. So this blackness I want to Kate to a beautiful boy Nigel Shelby. So I don't know if you've heard the story hitching euro, boy that pretty much he was bullied to death to better time going to school, and I've watched popped on timeline today. Videos of him having fun and singing oriented grungy songs that I love. I talk about on my show gets pissed off. I was like I love everything being mean, my big old blackout singing oriented grunting eleven and seeing him live his full life. But he got. Just teased and taunted in school. And so he knew no other way, but to just kill herself. And it was so sad because he was loud and proud and everybody around him second him and loved him. And so this is again, why always say why love the show and a lotta times I talk about this in my segment on here us being proud and loud and home we are. And that's why I like I didn't I don't come in here and talk about my segments. But to have that interview earlier and to see that story about somebody that is so proud like this where parents Ross talking about this what I wanna do Nikki being around us in being just. I ask people out there in were. Yes. Say black lives matter blood, and all is matter and all of these things these things that we say, but the kids in school, like the schools churches, you have to do better. These kids are going through things, and you just have to really be open and talk to these kids. And if you see them just just welcome them a little more. I mean, you know, when somebody wants to be free and talent and be in the arts and be on stage and just coddle them a little more and nurture it. And if you see it's okay, let them know that they are free and they're proud. We are in a safe space out for people that may have a smile face. But that come definitely definitely definitely means a lot to love to Nigel. We all do just family and anybody who feels like they don't have a community. Do you have absolutely have us. We have to wrap this up because mop waiting in. Yeah. Thank you. And thank you. Thank you. Nikki J, Ron. Thank you for stretching yourself. Okay. I really appreciate it. I'm never gonna stop on this quest. If you wanna follow Jay Rodham his sauce journey. It is Josh store. Rodriguez. Underscore facts Malone is that faxing Malone. Oh, oh my God. Facts he gets when I have for you member. I t's at the beginning of show, something I always wanted to kiss my bird in the freezer right now, I have an ice cream cake for you. Will you eat? I have ice cream cake for him. I don't even have a kick. Happy birthday. You raw has your name on it. We had them right facts. So we're gonna have ice cream cake. You celebrate your birth. I'm so glad you were born. Thank you. Thank you. Happy birthday of Malone. CJ CJ life C J L Y F E Y gives you. You can follow him Nikki Boyer at Chardonnay Kwan at no. Nikki Boyer on all social media. I'm Hello Ross. And the show is Hello Ross pod. On behalf of everybody here. CJ we're going to dedicate this show to that young. Boy, we're going to dedicate this show to anybody who feels like maybe they're alone in the world because if you ever feel that way, you can remind yourself you're not where here we love you. All right. Have a great week. We're going to go have a cocktail with Alec MAPA in the living room by everybody.