Stop Being a Doormat!
Could afford to take me to mcdonald's. Well dr martha says that Kelly is just like a man who sleeps with prostitutes. Not exactly how it's it's more like. She's a man who has decided at the beginning that no woman can ever love him that he's not good enough and so he only plays prostitutes because he figures that way he can't lose. He pays people to pretend to love him because he does not believe that he can be left without that guys. Think prostitutes love them. No no that's the. They want the prostitute to pretend to love them. Okay but of course. They think she's doing it for the money right. And basically what kelly's doing is have you ever tried making a friendship or being in a relationship where you didn't money so what you're doing is you're starting with the theory. I'm not loveable. Therefore i will buy people's love but you're always conscious that it's bought and paid for so it doesn't feel like love to you now. What i suspect is that these people really do love you you know. I know that. I have several friends. Left you're keeping it away you see in the tape. I wish that i could find somebody that would value me. That would give things to me. Well guess what you're going to mirror you're the only one who doesn't value and you as the bad news. The good news is that as you have the power to become the someone in your life who loves and cares for you okay. So that's why we gotta work on here. Okay and how do you do that. Well pragmatically speaking. Here's what i want you to do. It's like you've got this theory. Nobody can love me unless i buy stuff. But you've never tested. The theory is like saying my dog can fly. But i keep him chained down. So i've never has ever flown. No i keep him chained up. You know in fact. The dog wouldn't fly anyway. So it's like you're saying no one will love me. Unless i pay them but you've never tried not paying them to see how they react right so it's going to be scary for you but i really want you to go on buying fast for a week. I want you to leave the house every morning with twenty dollars in cash. No credit cards okay. Okay and make sure your car is gassed up or whatever and make a point of being with friends being with people and you will not have the money to pay. You'll get the impulse. But one of the things that phil says is that you teach people how to treat so if you have been the person who every time you go out to lunch or dinner. You're the one who's paying you go out to lunch. People are like going okay. Kelly absolutely the bill is here honey. Which right and what's going to happen is because financial doormats attract people who take and take and take some of the people in your life. We're going to go away and it is going to hurt. But they were never really yours just being hired and what happens is you'll see who really loves you and who doesn't like you've never had a boyfriend who could afford to take you to mcdonald's why because you stayed with one guy for eleven years you know and he wouldn't do it right. It's not like they were hundreds of men and none of them went by anything right. Is that you with one guy who exactly who couldn't take you to mcdonald's exact so then you think no man can take you. Yeah you weren't available for all the guys who could have taken you. That's right Dr martha beck is with us and says that she wants had the disease to please and found the cure. She says she had to learn how to kick men in the crotch before she could erase her. Welcome tattooed martha explain that. I don't kick all men in the crowds. All the men are going interesting. No i i was doing a model my mugging thing with a friend where he was going to pretend to attack me and i was just supposed to hold up my hands and say no and i could not make myself do it. I i mean we tried like twenty times and i thought i got a problem so i went learn martial arts for a few years just so i could learn that it's okay to have an actual fight not just an argument but a fight and you can still be friends and things are still okay and it doesn't kill you and that really helped me. Well in this case martha also says the key is to reverse your own psychology correct. Yeah this is what you were saying about women being socialized especially moms you know when you have a baby. They're like okay. Never been his little fingers back and never like you could wrench his arm right out of the socket and when i went to karate the first thing they said is well you grabbed the guy's fingers and then you're wrenches arm out of the socket and it was everything i had been socialized to do was to take special care never to hurt never to be aggressive in any way and i had learned to do the opposite under some circumstances well rhonda says. She has a serious case of the disease to please her husband. Brian says at marriage is doomed. If she does not stop being a doormat brian. I have been married for fifteen years. And i'm a stay at home mom three boys. I really have the disease to place. I'd just do whatever people want me to do. I want my wife to learn how to say no a lot of times. People drop their kids off at the last minute at my house. And whether i have plans or not thanks i cancel them because it takes up a lot of our family. I wish rhonda would spend more time focusing on our family instead of other people's needs she asked if i could go ahead and watch the dogs and you said i told her most likely i could. Brian gets upset because he can tell people. No i just can't and i don't want people to be mad at me constantly wondering worrying you know somebody thinks she's a bitch the other day. My husband and i were headed out the door to go to. My son's baseball game in the phone rang and it was my friend that wanted to borrow a purse and i told her they is sure we would drop the purse off pause before we went to the game. That's fine. I hate when she does that. Where i relate and then says sure we'll drop it off no problem if somebody asked me to do something and i say yes and i really don't wanna do it. I ended up taking it out on my family. Can't you pick the stuff up when you're done with it. She just vance all her frustrations with me. You won't believe what kinda day i had today. I've got kids running around. I got people calling. Everybody wants something not hello not nothing. I'm very frustrated that my wife can't say no people it has gotten way of control it will ruin our marriage if rhonda keeps us up martha says rhonda has an addiction and her husband. Brian has to treat her like Like an alcoholic like an addicted person to policing in fact. Three of the criteria for an addiction are the substance or the activity in. This case is taking up a lot of your time. You try to cut down but you can't and it interferes with other aspects of your life. You're meeting all the criteria for an addiction. And what's happening with you. Brian is you. You need to try to fix this. So you're playing the codependent in this. And here's the thing that is tricky about it whenever you say to you should set boundaries. What she's hearing is someone else wants me to do something so if that that kind of communication is just teaching her to remain a doormat but just be your doormat. So what you need to do is start instead of saying should or. Shouldn't you say i feel this. I feel that i feel neglected. I feel angry and then she gets to decide what to do now. You okay. you've got sort of hit bottom and bounce with this thing so if he stops being the one to set boundaries in your life you're gonna find yourself getting more and more and more exhausted and at a certain point you're going to hit bottom and that's when we changed things a little okay more of this episode after short break. Today's episode is supported by the counseling. If you think you may be depressed or you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious better help. Online counseling offers online license professional therapists. Who are trained to listen to help for anxiety difficulty. 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