Giving Yourself Permission to do Big Things
Hey there welcome to this edition of of car smart Friday on the Shalini show which seatbelts on we're going for a ride welcome to the show lean show Jelena's a New York Times bestselling filling author celebrity fitness trainer in obsessed with helping you live your life so today I am answering your questions and these are really fun question so I posted this up on my instagram stories and I promised I would give you your answer. Some of these are really deep but I'm excited to talk about the stuff off by the way these are questions all pertain to like being successful or like going for it so the first question was why I do you think that people are afraid to go after their dreams and I think the reason why people afraid to go after their dreams is probably obvious it's either. They don't think they're anof. They don't think that they are big enough important enough smart enough that they're going to fail. L. And nobody wants to look stupid. Nobody wants to be vulnerable and that way and so. I think it's interesting that people don't go for their dreams. I think it's even more interesting when people don't have dreams or what. They say that they're dreamer. Their goal is it's like dude. You're already like that's just going to happen happen. It's like saying my goal is to someday be fifty one years old like that's GonNa Happen. You know what I mean like so often. I asked people like you know. What do you WanNa do like how how much money do you WanNa make or what would you like to build. How would you like to feel or look at things that there are already on pace for. That's not a goal. I mean that's not something that pushes you. That's not something that stretches you. When I'm talking about dreaming I mean giving yourself permission to dream think about something that feels elusive that feels difficult that feels far far away like Brenton I when we we're making our vision kind of like our five year plan if you will and we were doing this as part of a mastermind group remember the sunny. Do you remember orange when you're talking about three percents percent Yep. We're this mastermind group that we've formed where we invited the very first mastermind we did. I think this like two thousand nine we invited small group of people from different industries but all you know business folks but different stages like to the gals had like a a spray tanning business they were starting together and there was a psychiatrist and an inventor of physical therapists sutter capital of Yeah Yeah Venture Capitalists. It was Kinda cool. It was cool. It was really cool but anyways we did this exercise together as a group and we all wrote down what we wanted our lives look five years from that moment and Britain I wrote our own and then we were kind of comparing notes and one of our mutual dreams was to live on the ocean like live on the ocean or I should say on if near the ocean ocean your abuse like a Beach Beach House right. I don't know that was picturing living on the ocean but I was picturing living like you know I could see it where I look like a walk to the beach and yes and like frankly those homes here in southern California just to give you some perspective the same house that you were to buy like in a nice neighborhood neighborhood but off of the beach on the beach. It might be another add five million dollars. Would you say that about right. Maybe four million it depends on how big houses but yeah typically if you're moving towards the ocean you have a few of the ocean on the ocean. You're looking at you know four to six months in southern California yeah in addition to like that's minimum yes. Oh picture your average size house in southern California. You know how expensive that is and now take another four to six million on to the normal price they just because on the ocean so when we said that when we put that in our five year plan plan like that felt very dreamy. It didn't feel like it was for sure GonNa Happen. Were ready for it in the next year or two. That's for sure right and you know I said this today. I put that on paper but I am not an ally and tell you. I thought that was GONNA happen in five years. Here's how I create a dream and it's that would be super cool. I think it's within the realm of possibilities but I don't know that it's likely that's what I call a dream a dream emerson like I don't know if it's like that likely to happen. I can see that it's possible. That's a dream and I think too many of us too many view. You say okay well. Here's this dream but you know it's very likely if you just put a little bit of effort into it to come up with a dream that's really exciting is is to put something on paper that you like that would be freaking on freaking believable and a little scary and scary yeah to get to that point. It's GonNa. There's GONNA be some risk involved and there's GonNa be some a strategy and you really have to think about it. I remember those three percent or meetings that we had to Kinda correct a couple people because like you said earlier they put down goals or crazy things can happen if I were like. Wait a second you're already doing. It's like the next year like it's almost like when you write down tattoos that you WanNa do tomorrow and one of them's brush your teeth yeah. It's a a small. It's not even a drink. It's a small goal. It's not even dream so so there you go so the next question was what is the difference between between well okay with this kind of a local. She gives a little backstory and says she regularly self sabotage ourselves so she said I am trying to figure out whether I have fear of failure fear of success okay so I don't know the answer and I do think they're different. Someone who has fear of failure. Oh year typically in not always most situations you have either really critical parents errands or critical people around you and so your fear of failure is that you just want to be accepted and loved and when you messed up you didn't feel those things as a child usually sometimes fear of failure though is because you have so much success around you they you're afraid to fail because then you again you won't belong so. I think fear of failure is our desire to belong desired to have significance and we think if we fail sale that will be lesser yeah I like rejected or we won't be loved. We won't be accepted. I think that's what we're fear. Failure comes in and fear of success different. Fear of success in my estimation is someone who when they think about being successful that means a comes with more responsibility expectations demands change. Jim People are afraid of change that if they are also I think fear of success sometimes is that people think well if I'm successful of a lot of eyes John. Me and then people will know that I'm fried so can be some imposter syndrome imposture soon for sure and if I get too big I've been up too many eyeballs on me in somebody. If not many people are gonNA figure out like it's not real yeah so nope if you think about both of those things right or fear of success and fear of failure in either case you just want to be accepted and you want to be loved and appreciated you. WanNa be enough so the way you get around. Both of those is knowing that how other people feel about you has nothing to do with your worth earth. It has nothing to do with your value. You are enough. You're worthy and you are significant because you're you your child of God so get over that and I also think the only way that you can fail is by doing nothing. That's how you fail and the only person you'll fail feeling you're feeling is you're failing yourself all right next question. Shalini I really we have some big dreams and goals but I don't want to let go of the security that I feel and that security or my quote golden handcuffs are hold me back from doing my own thing okay well. I get that and I don't know if this is from a guy or Gal I can't tell from the username but security is another natural human desire like we all want to feel safe so that's normal. It's natural and I don't know your situation but when we want security it's oftentimes because we want to keep other. The people save two so my recommendation is because you mentioned golden handcuffs so I'm assuming that means. You have a well paying career. There are job or position. Maybe it's even a well paying business. You don't love and you want to go do something else. Here's my best advice. You frigging do it but don't quit that thing that provides your security. Is that what you're gonNA say hundred percent okay. What were you gonNA say Dabble. If you have some crazy like if you're you're not happy with what you're doing. I'm going to throw this out there but you're making a great income or you. Are you know you're providing for a family and it's just not in the cards but you know you're not happy but you have this like it to do something amazing or you know or different or something like that or you just have a great great idea then dabble in it trade out because you know what it might not be. It's that whole thing. The grass isn't always greener type of thing and it might be one of those things things. Were you start dabbling and you're like okay. I'm glad I didn't go this way because this would have been a disaster. If I were to quit this great thing so dabbling it see how it feels and then just go slowly because you don't always have to just jump all in to something that's so dip your toe in that's right absolutely Salihi in and you can dip your toe and realize this ain't that thing but I I at least I have the security of my job and I know this going way back but when we first I were married I was working as a paralegal and Brett was off playing football and actually at this point when we were first married to play football all right yeah true but actually when we first got married you were done playing football on uh-huh and I was working as a paralegal and I knew I decided my mind. Oh this is not my thing. I do not want to be an attorney. I thought I wanted all my life to be an attorney and I take them to L.