Is Your Husband Grooming You?
Before we talk about it falling apart during this pornography addiction recovery period of time. Can you talk about what you did to try. And establish safety and peace talk about during that time how you're sure making this effort right to love and serve and forgiven. Support him in whatever you need to do to help him with addiction. When do you start kind of realizing this is not working or maybe you don't maybe don't realize it until it does fall apart. I dunno talk about that. I think it was a slow process. Erodes probably the best way to describe it. It erodes your not necessarily any road my faith in god. It eroded my faith in him. I think it wasn't necessarily the porn that did it. It was the lies that it takes to keep the porn alive. There's lot allies financial lies. Where were you lies. The bus was quote unquote. Late or traffic was always super heavy. You know and he'd get home really late hour hour and a half past the time because he would pull over and watch porn. I don't think i had peace. Maybe pieces around the corner if we go to this camp. Maybe we'll have peace if we pray more. Maybe we'll have peace. Was that kind of place. I think for a long time it was this. We're in this together. You've got this. Let's pray let's make sure that were being careful about what's going to be on tv. We downloaded apps lake since media. That would take things out. Swear words and scenes and as long as we kept year. I on the pri- is a lot of my effort. Went into that. And i do remember saying this much later. Was that one of the faults that i realized i started doing. Was i got in the holy spirit's way as long as i created a perfect environment for him. You know sun moon and stars everything rising aligned. Then he wouldn't be stressed because that was one of the things he said is i. Don't go look at porn. Because i wanna look at these women porn started when i was seventeen. It became this salve or this balm for rejection. Anytime i feel rejected or stress to my life porn won't reject me so i'm going to go to it. I thought if i created this viramune of perfection than he wouldn't do that. That's why i say i had piece. I was just constantly like running and keeping everything perfect straight. I view those reasons why they use porn now not as an actual reason but as a way to manipulate us to make us feel sorry for them because there could be someone else who didn't have peace as a kid and they didn't look at porn you know so they don't give you some sob story. You know what i mean and now it's like wow i did not realize that all the ways he elicited by compassion which was not legitimate. It was actually him manipulating me into managing him and to feel sorry for him. And not hold them accountable. And it's hard to recognize to admit to ourselves how we played into that manipulation rather than setting boundaries. Oh absolutely there. So many times that i would feel this compassion. He would be standing there talking about how he because also what came on board in the midst of all. This was a mental illness diagnosis Okay so in the midst of all this came a suicide attempt then several weeks at hospital for therapies and a diagnosis and medication. Okay so this is also making you of feel sorry for him. I'm sure yes yes. He's mentally ill. this is why he struggles. he's week he needs me the step up to plate. I'm going to have to take on. Some of the stresses help with some of the finances and this kind of stuff to keep kids quiet. Don't let them be too rowdy when he gets home from work. You know he needs the things to be quiet. He doesn't like things to be out of control. Or whatever so yeah. I didn't have peace until i laughed.