How To Escape Your Children's Bedroom Without Waking Them

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Andrew. Not who you'll find known medium DOT COM and here is how to escape your children's bedroom without waking them. I hear at least one of your offspring is a light sleeper and also requires your presence by their bedside until they have entered rim. How wonderful light sleeping and dependency are signs of extreme intelligence? Probably of course. That doesn't make things any easier. You're trapped in their bedroom right now aren't you? You've tried to get out four times but your child somehow stop snoring and wakes up every time you move remain calm. I know you've been there for several hours but I have a few tips to extricate you from your current predicament. One stay low. Assuming you're lying on the floor. Don't try to stand up and walk out of the room. I don't care if your child is sawing more logs lumberjack. At a logging competition standing up beside her bid is a recipe for disaster instead. Flip over on your hands the knees and crawl a safe distance away from the bed. A safe distance might be anywhere from five feet to seven miles if necessary crawl all the way out of the room out the front door down the street to the convenience store in the corner and ask the store attendant directions to the nearest deserted island. Use Your Gogo gadget arm to hook the doorknob on your way out. Open it ever so slightly and Shimmy gap. This won't work but it's still fun because it makes you feel like a Middle Age Ninja. What does this sound like too much work? Well I have one question for you. Do you love your child or not to replace any squeaky floorboards and recarpet with an extra thick pad while it might seem like replacing your entire floor. After your child falls. Asleep is impossible. Just think of all the banging and loud cursing your fitfully. Sleeping child is only programmed to wake in response to you trying to desert her any other noise no matter how loud is actually fine so go ahead and rip up that dingy carpet and bolt down any loose boards. That keep foiling your escape. Make sure to use an extra thick pad to dampen the sound of your movements and the screams you emit as you lie. Face down. Utterly demoralized practically devouring the plush fiber like. It was your last meal as you wail plaintively desperate for relief. Don't worry about getting perfect laying new flooring in the dark is hard if it's not perfect though. It won't help your escape and if it is perfect. It also won't help because your footsteps no matter how muffled reverberate with the unmistakable sound of betrayal and abandonment three work on your core strength. Let's face it no matter how well these tips work. You're going to be standing up and immediately sitting down when your child's startles awake at least one hundred times per night while you're lying on the floor in the dark trying to answer in penetrable questions your child lobs it. You like disheartening. Confetti bombs develop your core strength by doing a hundred or so crunches what happens if a dragon breathes fire on you while you're on the toilet. Oh dear how are we going to answer that one? Try One hundred more crunches while you're down there. Contemplating core strength isn't very useful for escaping the bedroom but everyone likes toned ads right four. Remove your skeleton. A recent study found that the leading cause of waking sleeping children while exiting their bedroom was creaking bones. Do you have creaky bones? If so it's time to make a change kiss that pesky skeleton goodbye and sweet freedom. Hello sure removing your entire skeleton one bone at a time until you're nothing but a helpless meet sack might sound extreme but look do you want to cling to your precious bones or do you want your child to grow into an adult capable of trusting others and maintaining lasting relationships. You could only choose one and really things will be much better without a skeleton. You will no longer creek like a rusty windmill. Every time you move and you'll be blogging across the brand new carpet and out of that bedroom in no time

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