Knowing Yourself for the First Time

Mission Daily


It's been a while since you joined us last time you were here. You got to hang out with Stephanie. And talk with her. And I'm excited to be able to sit down with you remotely today and throw the ball in your court. You can do a little bit of interviewing me and vice versa here. Well you know just went down on the phone. We're talking about what this shelter at home has done and our lives in all the questions. It's bagging I would love to hear your perspective. You distract started telling what has changed in your world and what are some of the bigger questions that are being asked right now. Sure so personally. Of course we start there. This is all couched from a lens of I had some pretty profound struggles late last year and in in my life to the fact that I've had post traumatic stress disorder for quite a while. I've been in denial about it. I've been running in all kinds of different circles to act like it wasn't there so that was something that started late last year. really hit home mountain near death experience and it led me to getting not just professional help but starting protocol created by maps dot org that includes Dna and it's the most efficacious thing in the world for carrying PTSD. So that's the journey. I'm on right now. I have had one active medicine session. And there's a lot going on in my life however When we were talking earlier it's there's never been a more interesting time for me. Feels very frightening in one sense but then beautiful in another sense where for the first time in my life. I'M WAKING UP FROM A coma that I've had for as far as I can tell and with the help a train professionals since I've been a child and so that's the Lens that I'm doing things throw so full disclosure there however there's this wonderful opportunity. I think that all of us have now to really look at where our lives are and look at who the people in our lives are and really get a chance to see them for the first time because Emmy. When was the last time that we've spent a couple weeks together in the same place right the quarantines already longer than most vacations and it just begs the question? What type of lifestyles were we living to this prior to the pandemic so I guess that's where I'll start Woah? Wow Wow I feel like nothing I have to talk about. Is this interesting as what you have to talk about is so this? Oh my goodness so. I love this idea that we're able to see things for the first time that we've been seeing all along and it reminds me. GonNa get wrong. I think it's t s eliot quote that something like an end of all of our journey is two rides. Were we start no the place for the first time and know the place for the time? This is what it reminds me about is like this chance to and for those who are fortunate to be able to shelter with people and with people that they care about to have this. It's like it's incredible intimacy to be able to. Oh Yeah like. I've been living with you for you know for me. The kids like I'm living with my daughter. I've been living with for twenty three years. I know but now I'm getting to know her in a way that I never have before and to really see the people that we pass in the halls just whether at home or at work like Oh wow I see now very different way. Yes there's so much to talk about with with what you're going your bed given my limited understanding of of what you've been going. I would love to hear. What are you able to feel that you haven't been able to feel for years? Sure the most profound thing was the morning after the first active medicine session was the first time I feel like I've ever seen myself in the mirror and I've struggled with body dismore disorder since I've been young and obviously I look different now than I did when I was younger. But this is the first time that I've been able to see myself without the voice kind of ringing in my ears. That was our to tolerate so that. Like a distortion. Yes you're able to see yourself without some distortion. That has been there. Yes without a mask that I was kind of wearing from childhood and it was not just a bit of a profound thing. It was a a you know I was singing spontaneously. I was looking all around and it was almost like I had a new body a lot of different emotions. But that's just the start of the unfolding Because this is a it's been described as you know the session. The medicine are one thing but the change that it begins to spark a brain chemistry level at a psychological level those start unfolding rapidly throughout the integration process which is no small task in and of itself so working consistently with the same psychotherapist that administered the medicine each week. Doing some texting doing some journaling. All kinds of different things. But it's It's been an experience to say the least okay so I have to ask you like what is it that you are saying for the first time that you really like and its context to that. I haven't been through anything. You perhaps are grappling with now. I remember one time. I travel a lot for her in a hotel bathroom. And you know you look at yourself in the near and you don't really see yourself like you're brushing your make your hair. Whatever and I think it was because I was alone in a hotel room like no one around to now tell everyone here now is I just looked at myself in the mirror like one of the first times. I really just looked at myself like I with myself. It could not have been more than thirty seconds. Privacy chatted terror. I myself I was like who like. That was a little bit scary. Somehow she scared me by disciplines like penetrating eye contact so I had this long look at myself wanted it kind of frightened me alone in this. This bathroom what is it. That you saw is how healy like like. I don't know really love what I see and I. I don't know all the specifics of what you mentioned but I kind of feel like. I've had similar experiences as well. Yeah they're they're very they're very interesting and the more work I do. The more discover of course like how little I know but that's not terrifying anymore. It's not like the fear of the unknown is just radically diminished as I keep walking on this journey and you know it wasn't about loving what I saw or anything like that. It was just this feeling of being okay with what I saw and myself and realizing that it was enough and I didn't I didn't have to change. I didn't have to work out more. I didn't have to do anything really that it would be okay and I would be okay so was it really starting at a baseline of Loving myself by any stretch of the imagination. It just I sparked a a lot of curiosity. I guess is the best way to to say the all-consuming emotion that came from so curious about what it's an interesting thing but I didn't see got Kinda like that. That would make you feel

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