275: Communication In Relationships

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

High. Rabbi cohen thank you so much for joining us on the show today. Thank you for having me. I'm looking forward to our conversation today. We're going to dive in and talk about communication in marriage and we talk about communication a lot on the show and we really can't talk about it enough because it's so critical to successful relationships so as a rabbi and a marriage and family therapists we think you have some unique insights into this and would like you to share them with us today. So let's dive in. And maybe you can talk about the most common communication problems you find when working with couples. I think that's one of the greatest challenges in communication. We think communication we think about speech we think about talking but in truth each of us hopefully as blessed with two years in one mouth which is reflective of the of the importance of listening and i think what i have observed over many years of my working with with couples and families is that Sadly people often are talking over each other than not genuinely hearing or understanding what their partner is saying. And that often creates tremendous gaps in communication. So what's the first thing that you tell couples when you see that happening in a in a relationship where one partner is more or less not listening to and maybe it's both ways both people in the relationship but if there's one person that's listening less how do you start that conversation that dialogue to bring up the awareness and the importance of that so there are different approaches to it. And if you're gonna sarah -peutic setting. There are even kind of formal tactics like the speaker listener type of technique but but the the basic slowing things down. It's kind of like what will like. Well let's hold hold on a second year. Let's slow that like what. What did you just for example. What did you just hear your partner. Say and i'll have the the other partner kind of playback what they think. The person said and more often than not you know myself as objective observer and the person who is speaking will then kind of confirm that would do. Is that what you're were saying. You know not what. I was saying at all so on and so forth. It's the first step is often less special slowdown. Let's break this down. Let's make sure that we're on the same page. Let's make sure that we're hearing what it is. Our partner was actually saying. And and also in addition to that you know there's so many communications so multilayered multifaceted and people are often communicating different things but their body language with their with their with their selection. So there's so many levels of trying to understand what what a partner with another individual saying so we have to also be sensitive to the different different levels and modalities of communication. But for starters. It's it just let's slow. Things dallas try to get clear what it is the person we think they're saying is that an exercise. A couple can do without a therapist. Maybe a to be like okay. What i'm hearing you say and then repeat. It seems like that might be something valuable to do absolutely trace. I think it's something that you know. A lot of these things can ultimately be implemented up between the couple themselves in the comfort of their own home. Some people don't like is because it's not so spontaneous it's very formalistic and you know we're not having a conversation right now about about sex marriage but does use it. As a as a comparison example a lot of people bemoaned the reality that for people to be able to have intimacy. They have to schedule it. Don't they find unromantic but practically speaking if you want to accomplish and and and meet needs in relationships you have to schedule. Thinks that's similar with communication. I think that there could be a formalistic aspect to it. That may be is not as romantic. But yeah there's kind of you. Can you know the way we do in sometimes and training is like you give somebody a broom or you. Give them like a fake microsoft. And it's like a very formal thing like right now jack. For example jack has the stage. And you're not and the partner is not allowed to say a word. Until until jack gets out everything jack wants to say and the other partner to kind of spit back or kind of reframe or kind of share what they heard and then the other partner has the ability to say okay. That's exactly what i met. You know take turns over the head over the microphone to the other party but yes definitely be accomplished informally in

Coming up next