Jackie, Adam, Adams discussed on A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast
And we're back talking about anger caused by anxiety. Everything that we've talked about up until now was sort of making amends after the fact explaining what happened after the fact. Did you get to a conversation where you're like? Look the next time this happens. It would be helpful if you could try to do. X. Like are you working together to try to prevent this from happening in the future? A little bit. We're not great at it. Most of the stuff that would make. It better is proactive approaches. Not Reactive like put your fucking keys on the hook I love how this is still Adams. Faults write my. Why is the proactive approach? Not Care that the keys weren't on the hook because I have to be on time right. You have to be on time. But why is the proactive approach? Not Leave two minutes earlier so that you have a built in one hundred and twenty seconds to find Adams keys that you only need forty seconds to find well because what you may not realize that in this scenario I am already leaving at least fifteen minutes earlier that I need to be leaving but if for some reason I don't leave the door until ten minutes before I need to be leaving them late right again. These are not rational thoughts gave. This is irrational shit. And it's the unexpected right. It's not so much that Adams keys weren't on the hook but they were on the table. It's that they weren't on the hook and they weren't where he said they were so then it was now they could be anywhere right that we just freaked out. And what if we never find them? And I'm stuck here forever and I don't go to therapy and then I'm a disaster. This is how it goes. So I'm GonNa give pushback though that it seems like your solution to this. Problem is not for you to make changes but for Adam to make changes like that can't be the takeaway. Jackie honestly part of it is on him because there are times when we leave the house together and I'm like we have to leave at noon. We have to or otherwise I know in my head. I'm going to have a meltdown because we're late. And he'll like wait until eleven fifty nine to put his shoes on. And then I'm already like where got abby late right so these are moments where I'm like. Hey you know that I get very anxious when we don't leave on time so if we could work together to really leave on time that would be lovely right so some of this is teamwork in that. We need to make sure things are where they're supposed to be and or we leave when we say we're going to our Jackie but all of this is predicated on the idea. That your spouse your family members what to help not. Everybody has that. Some people live with their roommates and the Roommates. Not Their mom. Dad Doesn't Love Them. It's not their spouse etc and that person is like look. I'm sorry that my keys weren't there but this is your problem. This is completely your problem. I I'm not gonna live with a crazy person that does this. What advice do you have for them? I mean you're lucky you live without him. What are the rest of us do we? All don't live with Adam. I know I'm so lucky. I live with Adam the other thing that I do. I'm not great at it but I can do. Sometimes I have learned ways to talk myself down slash self soothe. Whatever you WANNA call it. Sometimes it is very silly things that feel stupid to say you feel like such an idiot when you're trying to self soothe but one of the things that I learned in therapy was essentially to just tell yourself that you're safe and you're comfortable. Just keep repeating like in a circle. That like I'm safe. I am comfortable. I'm happy a lot of these effort missions. If nothing else it distracts you from the anxiety. That's circling around your head. I still have an issue where I feel like an idiot saying these things allowed so. I don't do that one very often. What I do is I kind of lean into the anxiety where I go like. What'S THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HERE? And then try to work myself back from it. If that makes sense yeah while you're describing his chain analysis it's where you get yourself to the worst possible scenario and then you go back to the second worst possible scenario and then the third and you're kind of moving yourself all the way back to where you are now and when you put all of those things you know in your brain when you analyze them one at a time you see just how many steps are between where you are now. And where the worst case scenario is that makes you feel better. I took the Liberty Jackie of getting on the Internet and searching for ways to calm anxiety and the first one right up at the top was leave early. So you've kind of messed that up. Because you're leaving early and you're still panicked. I understand but I guess I just want the audience to know that leaving. Extra time is something that works for a lot of people. They're not as worried about being late if they just leave fifteen minutes early for everything because the leader get their fifteen minutes early. Which case. Hey use your phone in the parking lot. Stop and get a cup of coffee. Who cares or they have the fifteen minutes to be late because of the aforementioned train crash on the freeway I guess yeah who put that train on the freeway. I don't know but you know it was a terrible idea other examples. They gave our the affirmations. I'm going to be okay. This is not a major setback. This is not a big deal counting to ten breathing exercises the one that I liked the most and one that I use and I I did not even realize that this was an anxiety. Technique is fidget choice. I carry a little fidget toy. I bought it off the Internet. I think it was like six bucks. Keep it in my pocket and when I'm really really stressed out I pull it out of my pocket and I just start playing with it just right there. Because focusing on that little toy moving it around spinning the little gears the buttons the different tactile feels even the way it kind of links together. It's very soothing to me you can also do this with pictures on your phone. You know. Look at pictures of your last vacation. I know I tease you. Because you have you addams wedding picture as your screensaver on your phone but you know I imagine. This helps reduce anxiety. Another thing that I do a lot when I'm just anxious as I meditate and it really works well for me but when I am angry because of my anxiety. I'm not going to meditate. I can't focus. I gotta be angry right. So for me. Some of the self-talk because it redirects the thought process. This didn't work. In the scenario. I gave you with the keys on the hook because in my head I was already late. I wasn't late but in my head was late in these other scenarios. When I'm not feeling like I'm GONNA be late. I'm just really anxious because we're not leaving on time. I give myself moments to really walk through it and be like this is not so bad. You're going to be five minutes late. It's GONNA be fine talking myself down. It didn't work this time because I already felt like I was dying on the side of the road before I even left the house but I do work really hard to internalize talking myself down to the point. Where like this is fine? You know this is fine. This is not going to be a big deal. Jackie you've kind of hit on a chronic problem with self soothing. Oftentimes we start at too late. We wait until the anger kicks in before we pull out the fidget spinner before we look at the picture before we do the affirmation before we count to ten before we are aware of our breathing in practice. Some sort of mindfulness. We have to get better at doing it too early. Because what would be the bummer. What would be the bummer? If you're like okay. I can't find out on skis. I'm going to ten right now. You didn't need to count to ten so I mean like what the horror. Oh my God you counted to ten or you told yourself you're a good person or are you looked at a picture on your phone that made you happy. Know How dare you? How dare you have an unsolicited unwarranted moment of joy? We have to give ourselves permission to use coping mechanisms before we need to Co pray. They can be preventative. So many people want to whip these things out after the tiger is out of the cage. That's not what we should do them. I definitely agree and I think that in some of these scenarios where like I leave early. That's my attempt at being proactive. When something comes up unexpected like keys on the hook where you can't predict it. That's when I think you need to know it works for you. Is it self soothing via talk? Is it meditating is accounting like what is the reactive thing that is going to work for you and just know it? Have it in your back pocket? Because what really sucks is being this person apologizing for it all the fucking time right being like I know that shitty sorry Hey this happened yesterday. I'm sorry again. I couldn't figure out how to talk myself off a cliff so I yelled at you. That's not a fun place to be so it's much better to know what works for you and try to remember to use it because being a. Dick is not fun for anybody. Jackie all I know. Is that for Christmas birthdays. Anniversaries any gift giving holiday. That happens between Gabe and Jackie. I am giving you an atom an extra set of keys to Adams car. You're just going to be drowning extra keys because honestly at this point in the show if all of the audience is just not like you know. I have two keys to my car. Why do they only have one? I don't think they're paying attention. He didn't know where his spare set was. I'm just putting it out there..