Green Green Grass, Rhode Island, Doug discussed on Does This Happen to You
I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life and befuddle men. Just for you. Our story this week is from. Randy's blog on blogs spot from my little book and here is the Green Green Grass of home. Hate it always have. The fact is that I am allergic to cut grass really not enough to not have to do the job but it does. Era Tate. Me Beyond a mild allergy that sets one often a negative direction the realization. That one is doing the dumbest and most boring job in the world is probably the real reason for the feelings. I state this opinion with apologies to toll collectors and those who read patents for living. Of course I also offer my apologies to my brother in California and Arizona. Who have no idea what I'm talking about? The portion of the Earth on which you live is not afflicted with such items when all your lakes are dry. You certainly don't have to worry about a lawn. Let me help you understand. A lawn is a patch of green on the ground that surrounds a suburban house for reasons that are not apparent to me the peak altitude of that lively greenness must be kip somewhere under a height of three inches or the neighbors will become agitated. What cropper you grown over there fred. Lynn Alfalfa I wish Alpha Alpha would make a lot more sense. Did you know that ALFALFA has the highest feeding value of all common? Hey Crops and that I can look things up in wikipedia. Since this height is a requirement one needs to mow the lawn this entails passing a noisy smelly energy wasting and dangerous machine over every square inch of surface which is not occupied by flowers or Shrub that once made has painstakingly manicured to exact specifications that you the more operator do not understand but woe be unto the more operator who confuses these things with the lawn. The law needing mowing consists of grass. This is a low growing plant. That has a key distinction existing. Nowhere else in the plant. Kingdom it suicidal. It is always in need of attention so that it can continue its life water and fertilizer and pesticides and TLC often in the form of psychological. Counseling must be constantly applied less the grass wither and die. This is indirect weeds. Which are any plants not classified as grass flowers trees or shrubs? Weeds are survivors and thrive in spite of attempts to kill them. Hardy native plants every bit as Green as grass but somehow unacceptable floor. Racism is what it really is. Dandelions should be classified as pretty little flowers but they are misrepresented as the scourge of the suburbs because they usually choose to grow in spaces reserved for lawns. As the places to thrive and raise their family violets are weeds. Maple trees are wheat. And when you get right down to it. Giant sequoias are weeds. Unless they happen to fit into your garden of shrubberies like Ed Blythe Old Mansion in Rhode Island seriously. They're redwoods used as garden elements in Rhode Island. But that's a different story. My hatred of lawn mowing extends backwards in time to the day when my proud father determined that I had reached the age where I was responsible enough to do the mowing. I think I was twenty four nor maybe a little younger dad wouldn't get a powered rotary mower too dangerous. He said I wholeheartedly agree. I replied this job should only be done by trained professionals but dad didn't buy it instead he bought a real lawnmower. The push kind fully human powered. I managed to push that thing around our postage stamp size lawn without too much trouble. Even though I complained incessantly and I learned that leading the stuff grow too long actually made more work not less. Unfortunately we moved to a new yet unfinished house another long store. You won't be hearing today shortly after we moved into the trailer behind the uninhabitable behemoth. After the sighting went on dead determined that the rocky dirt field needed to be turned into a lawn and to his good fortune. There was a young boy to toil on this task while he was at work. The anointed area to become a lawn was huge. The House was on a double lot and soon there was a whole lot of Reagan going on eventually one pile of small rocks was carted away. A pile of mid-size rocks was made into the only stone fence on stone fence road and a few huge rocks. Stay right where they were for aesthetic reasons. The lawn was seated around them all was well except for one large dip in the front yard where the densely treed side yard drain to the street. Contrary to my sensibilities dad decided that the Small Canyon did not add character and needed to be filled. The huge truck dumped the soil near the top of the Canyon. Did I say soil? Dad Got robbed. It was all sand undeterred. Dad moved the wheelbarrow to the side of the pile and put a long handled shovel in my hands. I think he said Ding boy GIG so I dug and dumped doug and dumped and Doug and dump some more I never would've finished but onto consecutive weekends dead pitched in and finished off the pile grumbly about someone less energetic than himself as he worked the pile was gone. The seat went down and always will until it rained. Then I had to shovel the lawn back into place from the street where it ended up if I thought dumping wheelbarrows was a pain. The first time around my feeling was doubled as I had to. Horse the wheelbarrow up the hill to fill the canyon wants more. Additionally Dad's workload had intensified so he was not available to finish the job but I finally got it done then. The Lawn sloughed down again after another heavy rain so I found myself shoveling once more. How many times I going to have to do this? I wondered homer aired when he recorded the tale of Sisyphus. It was not a huge boulder. He pushed up the hill. It was wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of sand. Only be washed back down each time. He thought he was finished. It essentially the grass took hold. And the wash outs stopped. That's when dad finally acquiesced to get a power mower I was thinking that I'd finally have a real more like most of my friends. Maybe even a writer but dad came home with the oddest power mower I ever saw. I didn't realize that they made real taipower mowers and it looked like these slab deb concoction that it was a push mower with a small guest engine. Welded to it at least heavy thing. Power the wheels as well as the real looking at the contraption. I realized that there was another car to be played. That just might get me out of mowing powers a scary thing and should be respected. Dan this is an impressive machine. And I'm happy you have provided it but you know how I love nature and when you get right down to it I really don't WanNA shred a toad. Alas now with this powerful machine sooner or later it will happen. And I just don't know if I could bear shredding towed you on the other hand are made of sterner stuff. So you should know fine said Dad. I couldn't believe my ears that it worked but then he added. But you won't be using the car. What no no car. I wouldn't want you to take the chance that you'd run over a bunny damn. I hadn't seen the car. Bunny Gamut coming. I had to give him credit even though as a teen was completely sure that everyone his generation was stupid. Maybe just got lucky regardless I pulled the starting cord and headed off over the greenery toads. Beware so why piloting the contraption. I had plenty of time to think about how much I hated mowing the lawn as I trimmed. That sloping expensive green over and over and over again one's mind drifts while doing a dumb and boring job. I even wondered how the activity came to be in the first place in a nutshell who came up with this crap. My extensive research has yielded the discovery of a manuscript dated Juno fifteen eleven detailing a conversation in the halls of Palazzo Vecchio when it was new of Oh in the Republika Florence. Here's the translation Niccolo. I'm afraid this rising middle class would create problems. They seem to be aspirational and have some means. I'm not sure what to do to keep them from interfering with my divine rights to power and wealth. He s sire. This is a problem however I believe there is a solution. And what might that be? Use their aspirations against them. Sire what do you mean? Since they covered the trappings of royalty. You need only to instill them with the desire to have the basis of them go on provide them with an ideal and they will waste their time and capital pursuing it. You have a staff of gardeners do not but of course you have been in my gardens the fine shrub so wonderful expenses of grass. The finest anywhere. Don't you think certainly sire they are fabulous and now you must use them. Bury the middle class in my garden. In a manner of speaking sire you will divert them from anything of consequence by merely holding up your lawn as the pinnacle of royalty and the most excellent symbol of privilege. And how do I do that? Indirectly in discreetly sire. What monarch would you say has gardens almost as impressive as your own? Why Do Komo Dana? Of course but not nearly as magnificent as my own precisely all you need to do is publicly inform. The Duke and the commodores will fall in line aspiring to be as the royals. What must I say to the Duke? Simply this sire. My grass is greener than yours. That can possibly work. They can't possibly be such couch sheep. Oh Sire you give them far too much credit. They will acquiesce. I can see legions of them. Not only futilely striving for your level of excellence but competing with each other. He pondered and then smiled. I'll do it so much benefit for such a small bit of. Guile you know Mac. You should try to book. Perhaps my prince perhaps but leave out the part about the lawn..