The Sexual Fantasies Episode

The Joy of Text
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Automatic TRANSCRIPT

In twenty fifteen sadly before my time But we as you like ten okay but basically we just wanted to take a fresh look. At the topic and address it again kind of looking at some facets that weren't really addressed in our first episode and just kind of continuing the conversation about what i think is just a really central topic right so i. I felt strongly about doing this. Because i feel like fantasies are really central to people lives especially on long-term sex lives. I feel like this comes up so often. They concern about fantasizing all for my religious patience and may not religious patients most couples who have been having sex for more than. Let's say two years or three years ago to hit this one way or the other either because they should be fantasizing. 'cause it makes sex more interesting and it allows their sex life to take all kinds of different directions. Also i feel like people have so much trouble with this so from novel. Just i get this idea like. Oh my god i feel guilty that somehow thinking about somebody besides my spouse and from my religious patients i hear oh my god is a major issues with the fact that i'm thinking about my spouse so i can start talking about the fact. Why don't think it's a problem from a moral and ethical perspective. But say something from the you know helen piece. I don't sure So there's a passage in the talmud in dr that says that the man is not allowed to drink from one cup while placing his eye while looking at another cup and obviously it means not allowed to have sex with his wife. while thinking about another woman You don't like the metaphor here from context context says both of them are his wives. So there you go. It's clear almost august. it's basically explicit. So that seems to say exactly that this type of scenario is a problem. But here's the big but it seems that if you actually look at it more closely and you look at what the commentators say I don't think that it relates to the type of fantasy that you're talking about. There's good evidence that at least for many commentators in means that a person is not supposed to be using their wife as standing for the woman they really wanna be having sex with. And i think you see that already. A little bit in the language of etain enough should not be placing his eye which really means like focusing on desiring. Different woman does not just mean sort of fantasizing but maybe helpful. So i i can quote some sources that make that point but maybe it'd be helpful by kevin for you to address that reality like why is it not cheating on your husband or on your wife to be thinking of someone else so i know i've probably made this point in other episodes but i think the most important thing for people to realize is that when you're thinking about somebody else you're thinking about a fictional person even if you're thinking about a real person it's a fictional person because that may be a real person that you have seen on television or have seen at you know you're at a workplace meeting or something so they're real a certain level but the fans you have about having sex with them does not include the fact that you come home every day to them. They don't do the dishes when they say they're going to do the dishes. They don't pick up their socks that they're dropping on the floor right. You have taken this element of this person. And you've distilled it down to the pieces of the person and the elements of the person that turn you on or that will turn you on and that is why. It's not really a real person that you're having sex with it's a fantasy of even if it is. That's why i laugh a little bit when somebody's like if i have a fantasy about a fictional character. Everybody you're having a fantasy about is a fictional character. Even if it's somebody that you kind of know socially again you have just turned them into this fantasy character for you to have sex with them. That's number one number. Two is also for sure before you are making the decision to have sex with this person who is in the room with you and so if you have a fantasy character in her head. It's because you're using that person you're using that person in order to have sex with this person right so who's getting used right. It's a fantasy character not the person you're actually having sex with at the moment and i think that becomes really really important lesson for people. I had this one patient once not that long ago. Who was just so good because it was so distilled where she. She started crying when we start talking about. I asked her if she thought about other people and she was having sex and she said she does but she feels terribly guilty about it. And i said well. Why do you feel guilty bench. Then i think my husband must also be thinking about other women and that makes me feel terrible. And i was like okay. It makes me feel terrible because you think you should only be thing beg you and you should be the only thing that ever turns him on and so she sort of nodding through her tears. I knew she had this. You know grown up daughter. I said your daughter. She's in a relationship. Now do you want for the rest of her life to only be thinking about one man and she sort of looked at me and she started laughing she was like not really and i said and her boyfriend you want if she gets married. You want her husband's only be thinking about her for the rest of his life. You should only be thinking about her as the only that turns him on. Is this young woman. And she's well. Oh my god. I think you'd be a sociopath. If that was the case and i was like yeah you think so. It was so much easier for her to see this with her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend we had these kind of crazy romanticised views. That as soon as you sort of put them under a microscope do not make any sense at all. So i think we like our little kind at ourselves and say like this is really unrealistic. Your erotic brain likes new things. It doesn't like repetition. Repetition is not erotic right road. Familiar tents erotic. So how do you bring the new win to your relationship and you wanna have a good sexual relation with this person for you. Know thirty years forty years of best and easiest way to do that is to use fantasy so like a big fantasies and i i really feel like people need to like lighten up on themselves a little bit now. I will say my only caveat if there is somebody that you know and you keep fantasizing about the same person again and again and again and you're not feeling good about your relationship that's already a different story and that's a problem but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about most people who are thinking about a movie star or like an idea of somebody you know or a a baseball player. Whatever teacher so what if somebody you know. See someone at work. It's really turned on and come some. Let's say a man comes home and has sex with his wife and doesn't like once keep his eyes closed while he's having sex with his wife so he doesn't he could be thinking of this person and not his wife. He's still choosing to have sex with his white he's married and this other woman is married to like. Sometimes we're not making that choice. Actively those are the circumstances where stuck in our. Let's a funny way to put something like okay. Some saint you. If there's a problem in your relationship this seems like an ongoing problem has to be addressed. But let's let me refrain that like he sees this woman he gets really dot and he uses that in order to have great sex with his wife. That's amazing like what difference does it make. If he's you know if the vision he hasn't his is you know twenty minutes. Twenty seconds before orgasm is sort of blurring between this woman and his wife. It's great now. Those pleasurable feelings have now connected with his wife right if he's constantly fantasizing about this woman and he's having issues with stock which is what you said. This is where stuck with. is that language. Like i feel like that's where the change us abc and stop saying this is what you're stuck with. This is what you're you're using it roddick energy that you pick up from other parts of your life and you're bringing back into your marriage and i think that's much more sort of positive way to look at it. Is sarah looking horrified. I law. i'm. I'm just wondering if we brought in the conversation a little bit because right now it sounds like both of you are talking just about fantasizing about another person or like imagine character or whatever. I'm also wondering your thoughts about just fantasizing in general like maybe fantasizing like during the workday about having a new type of sex with your spouse or you know just kind of like having fantasies about sex like no not while you're having sex so i'm amazed that because why would that be a problem like in other words i feel like the only thing comes up in my mind is problem is the one fantasies are great every fantasy. All the time is great. The only one that people seem to have a lot of problems with our when involves thinking about some of the other than your partner. I don't know though. I mean i feel like there's during the course any kind of sex no but during the day if some of these getting turned on by somebody you know people probably feel guilty through right. I'm well also. I mean this might be coming from my own misinformation. But isn't there an idea of like here. Haram kind of just like negative idea of like fantasizing about sex maybe wall you're learning or like or maybe just in general a we're not supposed to being thoughts are looking for is in our hearts. The laughter here who right so the ramoche divided into two categories. One is to have really plan to do a sin like to plan to commit adultery like a very intentional. So that's put that aside the other one. Is you know men having sexual thoughts which can lead to seminal emission know to masturbation or actually sitting in a worse way. I was once teaching this text out. The problem about here haram in a married man. Whatever ran looking at a woman sexually and the student The guy was teaching it to any sets be. What does it matter where you get your appetite as long as you come home to eat. So which i thought was exactly what

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