Partner, Heroin, Horn discussed on Hellbound with Halos
Is it real? Is this really at addiction? I think that people like Tiger Woods and Harvey Weinstein. While I'm not GonNa say that they are aren't sex addicts That I think when a celebrity uses it as as a reason for bad behavior I can't say they're right or wrong because I don't know their situation but I think a lot of people see it as an excuse and a lot of people have trouble understanding for US addictions video game addiction gambling addiction or sex addiction. It's different in away from drugs or alcohol. Although a lot of the same brain chemistry happens exactly the same with your dopamine Serotonin oxytocin. I won't bore you with the chemistry but the same thing happens. It diction addiction is addiction addiction. And you have to have people understand that and I tell people the alcohol did the exact same thing for me that the pornography did from day one to the very last day six years ago it served the same purpose. So I'm living proof that it's exactly the same thing. It is a real addiction and You know obviously another big question for addicts. As what do I do now? How do I get better for partners? Who surprise me after my first book came out. I started to get just as many inquiries from partners the wives and girlfriends for the most part of porn addicts out wanting to know what they did wrong and what I've discovered is that Horn addiction and sex addiction. There there's a there's a common belief or common saying that when somebody's addicted whether it's drugs or alcohol whatever everybody in the family's addicted everybody in the family suffers horn a sex addiction. Have this whole other side to it. Because you don't ask yourself you know is is is my partner Using heroin. Because I'm not enough or you know. Did my husband develop a gambling addiction? Because I'm not good in the bedroom but because sex and porn have so much to do with intimacy and human sexuality that you've got these partners who suffer from what's called betrayal trauma and subways. They suffer just as bad as the addict because suddenly they learn of years of an addiction that they didn't know and they're suddenly wondering who are they dating. Who were they married to? What else was the sky high? What's what's going on here and it's like you Y- these women. Describe feeling like chumps. Feeling like the wolves been pulled over. There is not knowing what's real and what's not and they really have. You really have to explain to them that this has nothing to do with you. You know this. Even if he's telling you it has to do with you. That's because he has entered an recovery to understand. It doesn't people who are casual user support. Recreational uses of born Zehr. The kind who actually on some nights. We'll skip sex because they don't feel like doing and they'll just masturbate to porn That's when women will sometimes talk with each other and hear those stories or men will talk with each other. I didn't WanNa sleep with her last night so I just took care of myself when you're talking about an addict it's completely different. I wasn't looking for intimacy with pornography. I wasn't looking for an exchange of sex. I was looking to escape. I was looking for somebody who is completely compliant. And that person on the page or on the screen never says no They allow me to be the master. Allow me to be in control because I have these control issues dating back to being a kid when I had no control and I was forced into those rooms or forced into these degrading situations. So you know. It's almost ironic that the women who are the partners of addicks actually have far less to do with their addiction. Then the women who have boyfriends or husbands were recreational users who do use it as a replacement for sex now in that or do use as a replacement for intimacy now. And then you know it's it's It's the same thing as if you are somebody who can have a beer or two. That's fantastic no good for you. I'm glad you can't but I can't have a beer or two. I never went to bars and had to be too because that was wasteful to me if I couldn't have four or five. I didn't drink at family gatherings I didn't drink because I didn't want to be drunk in front of them and I wasn't going to drink if I couldn't get drunk so while my brother's wife might be like you know. Hey you've already had two. You can't have any more. My wife never had to say that to me but she knew when we got home. I'd be having to cases not to beers So that that's the thing. There is that When it comes to partners they need to understand that they have to do with creating the addiction. Why addiction was there ten years before I met my wife and by that point I had learned how to hide it ten years of learning to hide it from people. You get pretty good at it and when you're not looking for a problem you don't see it there and the alcohol became more of an obvious problem so my wife's worried. I'm out drunk driving. Never thinking that at night. I'm luring women into taking off their tops. That just never entered. Her mind. Wouldn't enter any normal person's mind so yeah I get I get a lot of Interest from partners. That's what my second book was specifically created for partners. I wrote it with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Who deals with partners in these situations and it's a very simple Q. And A. Format just because when I wrote my first book because when I ended up being arrested I went to the bookstore. Me Being a bit of a Geek. I WanNa do read as much as I could about addiction specifically porn addiction. There was almost nothing out there. You know. There was a couple academic checks and there are some studies. And while I'm the kind of Geek who likes to read studies I know most people don't so yeah when I was in jail. I actually decided that I was going to write my first book which was a memoir which describes how guy ends up where he where I ended up because most of us I believe that a or an addict is this Nineteen Year. Old Pimple faced guy. Living in his mom's basement this in-cell who's never kissed a girl at just angry at the world and here I was. You know I own two businesses. I'm a city councillor wife and kids to to cars three dogs you know. I'm not your stereotypical porn addicts. I wrote that book for the other people out there. Who aren't stereotypical because most aren't and I need to though Josh is it. Addiction knows no bounce absolutely at the you look at the opioid epidemic in this country and a lot of it is successful people in their forties and fifties. That are overdosing on heroin. And it's the people that you would never think in. It's not so surprising to those in the field anymore. I don't think but it's it's interesting to me when I go out and meet with a couple of friends or something and they're like man Kevin you know it's bad out there you know. What have you seen in It's got to be like all kids are getting bad stuff and I'm just thinking ahead like no. You got it all wrong. It's Natalie kids in I guess that just. I just wanted to make that Point Josh. That it knows no bounce not not none at all and that's why but As the started to pick up a little bit of steam there are now a few resources out there. I created the book. I've tried to create my website but there were nothing for partners and partners. Were going through just as much. You know tremendous trauma. I had my trauma on the front end then. My wife has her trauma right in that moment because suddenly she's married to someone she's never known before she's married to someone who lost his job in a very public way when when she drove me home from the sheriff's office there were. Tv News vans waiting for us. Because I was that well known in the community so this was a complete flip flop of everything she knew. She handled it very well. Compared to a lot of women she got help very early. She took care of herself very early and she recognized that I had been sick for a while And she saw me do the hard work so she stuck around That's got to be one of the hardest things as far as when wives or girlfriends reach out to you to have them understand that. It's not their fault. It's gotta be so difficult to have them understand that that sentence he hasn't had sex with me in a year and he well I. I'm sure you know this people who are doing a lot of heroin. They don't have sex either people who are drinking a lot they don't have sex either addicts gender unless you're a sex addict or an intercourse addict. You're not having a lot of sex. It's just not on the forefront of your mind you're not healthy but because pornography is so tied to sex so tied to sexuality that gets all muddied up. I'm not staying away from you in the bedroom because you've done something wrong or I don't WanNa touch you. I'm staying away from you because I don't want to deal with anybody I want to isolate. I wanted just be by myself. I WANNA be with my crutch I want to be with. The only thing thing that I know is going to get me through tonight. I love you dearly but fucking. You is not getting me through tonight. Masturbating porn is. I know there are naked people about situations. I know there's an orgasm in both situations but these are night and day as far as what they really are. And that's what's tough to get across because there are so many similarities with or addiction With acting out on porn addiction and with the intercourse of making process that it's a natural jump for women to get there. So you really have to drive home the fact again and again that this has nothing to do with you and then if you've got a guy who's in denial of having an addiction. He's blaming her for not being sexy enough he's blaming her for not keeping interesting in the bedroom and as I always say to them I say to these women. You could bring in two cheerleaders into the bedroom tomorrow night and have a wild orgy the next night. He's going to want three dot going to be better this is. He's dealing with trauma through this acting out with pornography the way that people deal with it with heroin or drinking or gambling or food or whatever their vice happens to be again like you're saying it's about the the chemicals of the brain makeup. It's not so much about the physical interaction I think. That's the hardest thing for people understand because without the fancy technology and not seen the chemicals being released in you know. People are very visual. We need to see the visual. So it's easy to see. My wife is standing right there. But it's hard to see like the neuro releases in the brain and the brain light up during these events absolutely and when you're talking about intimacy that's the last thing that an addict wants an addict wants to isolate. An addict is a very selfish person. Who is only thinking of themselves? So how are you supposed to have true intimacy with somebody when all you can think about is your needs When you're a sick person and that's those are the things that you know aren't as hard to explain to somebody who's the the wife of a gambling addict or the wife of an alcoholic but when it comes to human sexuality you know it hits them hard so I I wrote my last book again with this with this therapist so women would have something out there to refer to as as a resource because there were just so many who suffer so greatly In this new world of the Internet in this world of the first generation of people who didn't know a world before the Internet are now getting married are now having kids. And that's why I'm out there on any show that a let me on screaming about this stuff because if we don't do something soon this could be a giant health crisis you talked about the opioids you can watch dragnet from the late sixties and. They're talking about heroin. You can listen to rap. You can listen to rap in the eighties. And they're talking about abusing Vicodin UKIAH. Tell me we didn't see this coming. We saw this coming and we did nothing about it because people who used heroin in the eighties and early nineties were disgusting. Druggies who lived by the train tracks who we didn't want to deal with and that wasn't true back then and it's not true now and none of us. WanNa talk about four Dogerthy so we're not GonNa talk about Pornography Addiction. Obviously meanwhile a recent survey says that thirty two percent of men between eighteen and thirty have either self identified as having porn addiction or believe that they have a problem with pornography. That's one out of three men under thirty. So if we don't deal with this they're going to be forty they're going to be the rate of women becoming addicts is absolutely exploding at this point they're even dirtier than us but the thing is they now have equal access. The adult film world was always geared towards your straight white guy. Well now you can create any kind of foreign you want and that and it turns out women are just a sexual is us? Gay People are just a sexual us. Black People Chinese people everybody has justice sexual as the next person and we an a straight white males or not the only ones who were being targeted anymore. So you've got these groups that were in a word under served by the by the mainstream pornography industry who are now getting their fixed because in everybody's pocket is now the greatest porn computer ever invented in our telephones and the average age kid sees porn is no longer twelve years old. It's eight years old and they're not. They're not equipped to do that. So you know when I'm out there screaming and yelling about this. I always tell people. I don't know what we're going to do about that twenty five year old guy who has erectile dysfunction because he's burned his brain on porn but I do know what we need to do is start telling the eleven year old boys about that guy the way that we tell the eleven year old boys about the heroin users and about the alcoholics. We need to start making this part of our health Education of our children and it doesn't have to be graphic it doesn't have to be dirty. It can be age appropriate starting at six or.