Brooklyn, Tony, Nevada discussed on I Weigh with Jameela Jamil
Authorized at school. Yeah yeah i-. I shaved my head when i was eleven and i hadn't gone through puberty yet so i was really androgynous and i was constantly mis gendered and that was right when i started a new school. I was in public school for seventh and eighth grade. Even though my mom couldn't afford it she Astra frontal route to put me in a private school just for those two years because it felt like She thought that's where i get the best education. And so i went to this sort of tony. Private school with this shaved head and i was just like targeted just every day and it was awful. I really wanted to not be there but my friends were a lot. Were like as i mentioned to three years older. And they run this cool public high school in brooklyn and so i ended up like escaping after two years of torture and i spent most of my time with them but But yeah at that point. I was getting like both an interesting amount of like negative attention and positive attention because kids my age. Give me a lot of negative tension but older kids. That i was really cool so i had this like This sort of dichotomy. These two worlds. That i was living in but at that point. Yeah i was. It's funny to hear this. Just because like i i look at your Your instagram more. Than i can't admit non getting up when looking your you often like kind of post throwbacks. Life like in the last year and a half. I don't know if it's because been going back through vote by seen a bunch. And i kept on thinking and imagining what i because we'll do this. We'll project but we're imagine someone's life is like and you look so cool in all the fucking everything. Looks like a nevada video already. She had the best fucking time wanted she funny and bubbly so funny to hear you talk and within ten minutes just recognize. It's so easy to project idea of someone else's i don't know like success popularity or success it being total or like i was. I was thinking this light today. Where i project like that. Everyone is more well adjusted than me. Just like oh. That person has figured out. I think all do it and childhood is such a. Yeah like i'm always really interested in people's childhoods. Because i i always think about like i didn't have a boyfriend ever until i was in college and i felt really invisible and like kind of repulsive in many ways because i i was this. This like Weirdo you know. And i think about people who did have boyfriends in high school who they could have like Who who they explored intimacy with way might have felt safe and like how that impacts their relationship to intimacy adult. It's like one of the second i see. A person wonder what their religion into what kind of relationships they had and not just like straight relationships but girls having girlfriends and having those expirations brings everything. I'm terrified of goals. In a way that i'm kind of slowly but surely starting to get better with Pasta point to the age of thirty. You know but that's how traumatized by was by secondary school and all of my pool in many many childhood bullying story also I had my kids at twenty one. So i feel you so ask so. It made me It i had a similar feeling. Of like maya and by the way lots of people who listen to this. Podcast are sort of getting into their thirties. And they have not yet unity and they write in about and i just want everyone to not feel alone in this I hated myself. The whole time leading up to But but then actually came to it. I felt glad that i had waited that long. That the person at least. I got lucky enough to kiss for the first time was much more experienced than me and a friend. Someone i'd chosen and ready trusted and so you know. Hopefully that'll be everyone else's experience if these are things you haven't done yet. Yeah what was your sort of college experience. Like with that because this build up. Because it's been fucking long and everyone's like seven years ahead of you such build up. I mean i had a really I think because. I felt so much again like an outsider especially in terms of like where i should be In terms of sexual intimacy ensure you had those same anxieties of like. I'm going to look like such a fool. Read gave me a copy of the fourth year old virgin. So i mean it wasn't just like in my head your main. Yeah i didn't have like before. I got a boyfriend i was. I think i was. I was trying to catch up in a way that was not safe. And i think definitely amplified some intimacy issues and trust issues. And i think. I just was looking like i felt that sex should be transactional dislike. Could kind of get it over with and And so then yeah. There wasn't like a safe space to explore really And i also just like generally you know. Fam- attracted to withholding people were kind of book. Same way more in common than i i. I was so bad being around people that i found attractive. When i was younger that i would panic and if i ever was invited to a house party would normally happen via some sort of error. Where in relief to the school no one ever specifically with you must be but i would panic and i would give myself jobs at the parties. So i would like to clean up crew within cleanup crew by myself so chrome or i would find a trash bag or anything. I could be taking a empty cups on plate during the way until just torturing around Giving my cleaning up after everyone like cleaning up anything. I like puke. I think one time cleaned horrifying and then another big one to go to was co check is just like that is a level of side. I won't ever come back from when people make fun of me on the internet. I'm always like you don't even like you think i'm pathetic university helping out. I was like this is not making fun of me. It's like you don't even know me listen for you. You can't possibly in comas out. Is i think i would start a coat. Check.