Unkindness, Andy discussed on Friendshipping!



When young and like own a place but like whatever honestly if you can own a place and you want to you fucking by it you live your life yeah I unkind because nothing in here says unkindness yet she's got a pattern of falling for men who are like fun golden retriever types than good on her seems like she's able to hold herself down otherwise yeah yeah in parks and REC when April to get married Andy says I cannot explain how little we thought about this and they're very happy together yeah like they don't need logic and sound reasoning until I be in love we get it we know why this looks bad to you because you love your friend but also consider that there will be no person that's enough for your friend never never know now I I really doubling down on the I think the asker had some trauma that informs needs dealing with yeah because so sorry yeah really so let's think when I say that this perspective is irrational I want to be very clear that what I mean is it's not a lot of evidence to back up these fears I'm not saying that it's ask her is bad or anything like that but but let's go through the things that are like up in the air that we don't know we don't know how they treat each other you don't really know that survive we know they get along because vibe at that movie night we know that she's doing fine we also know that he's like moving in with her yes slowly slowly moving in and we also we don't know how long this has been going on way doesn't seem like there's plans for a wedding bells in the air even if that were the case vic still break up I don't know if you've ever heard of this thing called divorce it's pretty common fifty percents of first marriages is what I read so jen win would you step in and talk to somebody about their relationship because I also do want to talk about like the conversation that this Askar could have with her for right right so when you are asking a friend defend their significant other that is a big deal in that goes for all shades of relationship but we advocate for doing something in reaching out to professional if you if you we always have to say this because you never fucking know reaching out professional if abuse mistreatment manipulation controls all but that's not what we're seeing here what we're seeing here as you think he's kind of a yeah and what do you do in that situation can you say something I don't think I think I don't know it depends so much on how close you are how blunt you can use each other your humor have you ever broached this topic before how honest are you with each other because like you can be honest friends truly close on US firms should still not even bring this up it's like I want they ask her not to say something to their friend but to ask questions about their relationship and their life and just be like hey like oh you can see in Jim Jim Giambi you've seen Giambi for awhile so how's that going are you guys like serious like how serious is is he moving in officially like ask with enthusiasm yeah so you could say he seems to make you happy what's your what's your dynamic like Yeah Yeah I think you've got to do some some friend research here eight it almost feels like you are filling thing in the gaps in your knowledge with the worst of your fears Oh yeah that voice in the back of your head is filling in feeling all the blinks right and you also seem to know her better than us oh him because she the girlfriend was co worker of the asker for a long time they became real friends and then the boyfriend just is fun yeah so yeah I mean I think that man I think that might be is that this Askar just doesn't know and is using their trauma to inform what they think could potentially possible and it's frigging them I think you nailed it another thing you might want to consider is getting to know him a little yeah I mean you don't have to become his best friend you don't have to be close with the significant others of your friends try to become a little more friendly yeah I think that our our ultimate answer on the what's the conversation that you should have is more I think it's time to be in missive and to to an end to the way that they are feeling rather than what you're seeing happen when you have this conversation practice a little in your head because we you wanNA come from a place of interest and not a place of judgment so you don't want to say things like so what's his deal yeah oh is he getting a job what you should say is like oh how's it going with you guys you seem happy yeah where'd you go on your date night like get some you know ask questions that are nice yeah if you have very specific fears because of something that you've experienced or you've seen other people experience from other people's relationships you can talk to your friend about that too but not in the terms of hey ah I'm seeing warning signs I worry about this I think it's okay to talk through your anxieties with your friend and say something like what would you you say I think it could say something like I'm sensitive to this and this and this is why yeah I'm sensitive to women picking up the bill for dudes because I was I was taken advantage of for a few years because it's the it reminds me of my parents reminds me of my dad left my mom penniless things like that like I if and this is going to be Jason how close you are with the real shit right but I think saying like I love you so much all I want is for you to not go through the same thing as blank and I just want to talk to you about this it's not even really about you and your boyfriend but it's about me seeing you from the outside and carrying about you so much and like one you to be happy and like and I know that you know finances are not at the top of your mind or anything like that but with my history with my parents or something like that and I see this like I just want you to be where I think that's a really kind generous way of explaining your concern yes because it's really you're explaining that it really is half or more than half of what's going on in your head right like you're explaining your partner you're not coming you're like leveling with them basically I'm meeting you where you are and here's what I bring to the the perspective here's my perspective it's probably not correct because of this this and this but it might be that's going to be a hard conversation to have with a very close friend like don't do this you're just like kind of like party or whatever well yeah I mean I think sharing that if you feel up for it might be a good idea because I otherwise certain how you could frame this in a way that makes you sympathetic exactly I wouldn't have a conversation unless you were one hundred ten percents sure you could be extremely tient yes if your voice study open minded and I don't think you're there yet and by the way that doesn't make you a bad person it just makes you person yeah you're just a worried anxious balls sake shis friend capitalism yeah absolutely we all have to I'm also trying to think of like the other circumstances in which this would be okay so let me kind of explain so they say is that finances and kids are like two things that were always break up your relationship if you have problems with those like money and kids are like the reason they are often sticking points yeah but what if it was something else lake he's very extroverted and she likes to stay home and you're worried that because you had a boyfriend who partied all the time cheated on you you're worried that she's going to be at home while he's like making out with other girls you know who so that is something that if I said the I just care about you and love you so much and I had this really shitty like experience with this can we talk about that like I wanNA feel like you're safe in European a Oh yeah and I think I would I think I would say that is so sweet and I thank you for looking out for me yeah here's why you don't have to worry or here's here Jack or judgment you were like very very sensitive I'm going to mend that and say that's something you can say after you ask questions Oh yeah that's a good point after you learn more right so the conversation with Jen and Jimmy would be more like what's up guys hey jen I've been seeing Jim be like partying around town can open more open mind yes be very generous here okay give them more benefit of the doubt than you have ever before yeah yeah yeah there's just so much and you said yourself you can't actually make why do I have my head so far the ass of somebody else's relationship yeah yeah Nura you're not the first person to feel this way you will not be the making the studio work especially today because we did not have an easy time new in it and thank you for listening you're welcome for talking.

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