A new story from Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

As in the tasks or the chores or the, you know. Do yourself a favor and really repeat what you just heard and actually repeat it in your own words first before we go into what do we do? Because this is what you're triggered by and this is what you're fighting. And you're fighting it with the same passion. That you were at home. So put in your words, what's the voice that fights? The voice, the voice of fight. So in my own head, you know, what I'm fighting against is shame, inadequacy. Being told what I have to do and not having my own say that it's a lack of autonomy. It's taking away, right? It's taking a part of me away and demanding that they do something else. If I could hear what goes in the ears. How dare you? How dare you tell me what to do? That's not your place. And what do you hear her say? Give me life. Most recently, he was blaming our 5 year old for leaving the bedroom door open, and the cat got in and used his closet as a litter box. And I said, well, but you could keep your closet door closed and that might be helpful. That's not okay. That's enough. You don't get no, that doesn't make any sense. What did I want to hear? Why are you putting this on me? Yeah, why are you putting this on me? This has nothing to do with me. That's not helpful. It's not helpful. And now now, now I'm angry about it because you're trying to blame me for something that why are you getting in my face about it? That's what I'm hearing. Right. Right. You know, do you think you're talking about a litter box? And a cat? Yes, there's no cat in his story. There's no cat. There's no cat in his story. But because he doesn't say that in the moment, in the moment he says something about the cat. That was when he said. That's what nobody likes. Nobody likes you. He went straight. I swear, I went straight to it. So he went into the part of him that felt belittled and ashamed. And his protection mode is then to say, you're not lovable. Yeah. And what do you do when he says that? Come back? No, I just didn't. I told him that was very mean and hurtful, and then I didn't talk to him for two weeks. Oh, and that's a comeback. Which, by the way, I was really shitty thing of me to say. And I'm really sorry. You told me a few times. I know. Thank you. I hold you in way higher regard than that. And I love you. So it's completely untrue. And bullshit. And I was angry, and I'm sorry. Don't forgive you. Okay. Thank you. And I know, I know a lot of the times, it sounds like we're just arguing about mundane things, but those mundane things had up. For both of us, and if it's a trigger, when we're constantly triggering each other, that's every day, another thing, and another thing, and it's death by a thousand cuts. No, it's every day the same thing. Every day, the same thing, right? But it may be in a different trapping. And that's why you're not going to stay on the things that you argue about. Right. But you're going to help each other. Right. I recognize what was just a.

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