A new story from Relationship Advice


Shape in a way that we would never respond to other people. And usually there are ways that aren't ultimately accurate. So we're seeing things to ourselves that are more extreme that are that are not accurate or indicative of the specific situations that we're in. There are just incredibly more critical or negative. And so in that time, I typically ask individuals to really spend the time and start to question those thoughts. Challenge those thoughts really scrutinize the thoughts before you believe that. So oftentimes what ends up happening is when we don't question our thoughts and maybe, you know, if you're listening, maybe you've never done that, right? Maybe you've just believed the thoughts that you've had. And that is usually what happened when we don't pause the question. I'm usually we treat our thoughts as facts. And we just believe them to be true. And so by questioning them, you're really looking to see, is this thought a thought, but I'm having or is this a fast? Is this a 100% true? So I'll give you an example. Because I recognize it may feel a little abstract. But let's say I'm working on myself confidence and I thought that comes up for me when I'm being evaluated or I'm in a new situation is I'm not qualified. I'm not qualified to be on this podcast interview. I'm not qualified to be applying for this job. And so asking yourself about moments, probably letting yourself go with that thought and then maybe experience other emotions, such as anxiety or sadness and then responding in a way that doesn't serve you. Asking yourself in that moment, okay, is this a thought or is this a fact? Is it a fact that I'm not qualified? And what evidence do I have? What evidence do I have that I'm not qualified? What evidence do I have that I am qualified? So when I ask my clients and even for myself, when you ask yourself what evidence in your looking for the evidence, I usually tell people imagine that you are in the court of law. And the judge asks you, Shiva, what evidence do you have that you're not qualified? I can't in that moment say, well, I feel this way, right? Because my feelings are valid, but they're also subjective. I can't say, I think that I think of myself as not being qualified. I have to give tangible evidence. Things that both you and I would see as being evidence and facts. So maybe it's, I haven't gotten that experience in this area. So I've never maybe done an interview. Or maybe if we're thinking about the other side, maybe it's the positive evidence could be I've gone through graduate training in this specific area, right? It's identifying that for yourself. In addition to the evidence, I think another part of really self confidence work is I would say I'll share two more things. I think is allowing yourself to, you know, allowing yourself an intentionally speaking your strengths. So things that you do well at things that are part of your inherent strengths, who you are as a person. And spending time in every day, maybe identifying two to three strengths, things that you have to offer or things that have gone well for you. And I think that's important because a lot of times when we're thinking of improving ourselves confidence, we are usually focusing on all the negatives, right? All the areas that we want to change. And I typically tell people we can't improve ourselves confidence that they're only thinking about all their negatives, right? How can we improve our self confidence if we're not accurately even viewing ourselves? So awkwardly viewing what we have to offer strength. So we do well at. And then maybe also viewing our areas of growth. And so to be able to make changes we need to be able to view ourselves accurately. And more objectively. And then I think the other part of this is also just practicing self compassion. So I know many people are probably familiar with self compassion work, but I think it is incredibly helpful, especially when you're focusing on yourself confidence of really asking yourself in this moment when I don't feel qualified or have this thought or I'm feeling anxious, whatever it may be. How would I respond rather than responding critically to myself, how would I respond to a friend in a similar situation? Ritual loved one, or to my child or whoever may be, and how can I learn? How can I offer those same statements, those same ways that I would respond to them to myself and the song? So how can I treat myself like I would have from? As I mentioned, a lot of times we respond incredibly more critically than we would respond to anyone else. And by taking that time to really identify how we would respond to someone else, that's not only going to help us and feeling better, but it's also a more accurate response. We're giving ourselves the support that we deserve based on that circumstance. So we're not allowing our emotions or past histories to dictate how we're going to respond to ourselves. We're responding based on how we would normally respond objectively by. I know that was a lot of that I included there, but I do think that there's different ways to really focus on yourself confidence. But I would say for anyone listening from wanting to start, I think starting with just your thoughts and really paying attention to them. One other thing that shared cases when we're also thinking about our thoughts, a lot of times I'll hear from clients. Will Shiva. I feel like I need to be hard on myself. Because then I'm going to become content that I'm not going to push myself. And if that is the belief that's coming up for you, I would encourage you to really take inventory and try to ask yourself, you know, what is the real impact of this belief? Is it actually helping me to become more qualified or more confident or whatever maybe? And also recognizing that with the research supports is that when we when we treat ourselves with more compassion when we're more kind to ourselves, when we treat ourselves ultimately more accurately, view ourselves not holistically, we're actually able to be more resilient to go after those things that we're wanting to go after. So it really does help with confidence. And so recognizing that it's not as a belief that's setting in the way you really want to even think about challenging that belief in the function that you've associated with self criticism. Just because we think something doesn't mean it's true and doctor Shiva, you've given us in our listeners so much great information, things to think about today really appreciate it. Before we wrap up, can you tell our listeners where they can find you online? And if there's anything you want to leave them with or maybe that we skipped over and then we'll say goodbye. Thank you so much,.

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