Dr. Ellen Hendrickson, Spain, E L E discussed on The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

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Welcome back to the savvy psychologist. I'm Dr. Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research, a sympathetic ear and zero judgment. Today's episode is brought to you by elevated fitness. When you do too many reps of an exercise, your form suffers and you could wind up doing more harm than good. That's why elevated fitness created a series of low intensity workouts that are just as fun as they are short. Plus you can stream them anywhere anytime with no equipment required. So if you're ready to ditch the gym, subscribe at elevated fitness dot com. That's E L E V the number eight D fitness dot com and get your first month free today by entering promo code savvy at checkout. This week forgiveness. It's one of the first lessons we learn. A kid takes our Santos. The kid's parent makes him give them back and say, sorry, and what are we supposed to say next all together now it's okay, but as life moves along transgressions, get bigger and more complicated and eventually forgiveness becomes analogous to working out every day. It's ideal. It's healthy and it sounds great. In concept, but it's really hard to pull off in real life. So now before we get too far, let's define what we're talking about. What exactly is forgiveness? Essentially, it's a deliberate decision to release feelings of anger, resentment or vengeance towards someone who has hurt you. The opposite. Unforgiveness is a roiling mix of resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, anger, and fear. It's a mindset. But it also has physiological consequences such as immune suppression and cardiovascular stress. Unforgiveness isn't pleasant. So we try to find ways to reduce it. We may dig deep into denial, get revenge through tallying, pursue Justice through legal means create a convoluted story to explain what happened or simply move on with life, or we can forgive and forgiveness. It turns out is pretty great. A two thousand nine study found that people with higher forgiveness scores used less medicine had better sleep. Quality or less depressed, had more energy and enjoyed better cardiovascular health and greater life satisfaction. Not bad, but forgiveness can be a hard sell. It can feel as if forgiving means excusing the wrongdoing or forgetting it ever happened. Plus western culture promotes revenge much more than forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't play while on. TV and beef makes for much better publicity than when we all get along. But in your own life, beef isn't so pleasant. It hardens your heart. It can keep you stuck and bitter plus unforgiveness can inch you along the path of coming transgressor yourself. For example, a study out of the university of Malaita in Spain, found that among secondary school students who are victims of cyberbullying, those who scored higher in forgiveness were much less likely to become cyberbullies themselves. So what to do well, getting hurt by others is an inevitable part of life, and we'll call that pain, but holding a grudge ruminating on past offenses or otherwise, not forgiving. We'll call that suffering and suffering is optional. Ultimately, forgiveness is a decision. There is choice involved and don't let any. One including me tell you when to make the choice. You can forgive whenever you're ready or never, but this week by request from two separate listeners J in Boston and Mark in Italy, we'll tackle how to forgive, especially people who don't apologize. Remember only you can decide when and how to release those feelings, but these five things can help you along. Forgiveness factor. Number one is time. It's been said that time heals all wounds, but a study in the journal emotion found something much more specific. The researchers actually modeled the mathematical function between time and forgiveness, and I'm willing to bet that you're okay with the spoiler on this one. So here you go by three months after a transgression average forgiveness increases by to log odds units, and I'm not sure what that means either, but at least time heals all wounds now has an algorithm to back it up more. Importantly, the researchers found that forgiveness went along with valuing one's relationship with the offender. In short, if the person who

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