Saito, Kizer, TED discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm


Okay. Now, they'll be good that Kizer having fun. You don't want to interfere. You don't wanna be, you know, you want your dad to get get get involved. But she's also fearing that sue. Sooner or later, is going to be somebody crying somebody to get hurt will. She's only about ninety nine point nine percent likely to be right. Sooner or later, somebody gets hurt and crying. And so now mom's thinking all right now, dad's gonna learn his lesson. He will do this rough housing anymore, but dad doesn't learn his lesson. He says to the children, you know, Jimmy or Jane, you can't stick your elbow in your sisters. I in order to win it rough housing. You've got gotta do it. You can use leverage. You can fake the person out. You can you can can do this. And that, but not this okay data. Okay. We got okay. They'll go back and try again. And so the kids go back and they, they violate the in what they call. What psychologists call the getting emotional intelligence under fire? They all want to agree with what dad is. Is suggesting requiring but when they get excited, they forget about their sisters and brothers knees and they just pushing and get to, to what they wanna do. So then dad stops if he's a good, dad and says, okay. I warned you now. There's no more rough has always got that we built no more rough housing till tomorrow night now. So mom, is looking at this and going wait a minute. You didn't learn the lesson, the kids cried than they, you told them what to do. Then they didn't get it again and you're still rough housing and promising more tomorrow night. What dad doesn't explain is that tomorrow night is where what it's all about tomorrow night. He says the same thing and if the children violate the, the agreement there's no rough housing tomorrow night, but usually the children tomorrow night, don't violate the agreement because the children have learned that when they don't consider their sisters or brother. Needs. They don't get their needs met. They don't get to do what they wanna do. They lose what they want. So now the studies of the of children, rough housing with dad's show. Children are more likely to be pathetic while I've never heard a dad's Saito, a mom, you know, I like you to let me roughhouse because this will teach the children empathy. And if he did, it's like what empathy seems pretty counterintuitive to rough housing, but you can see it's not the rough housing per se that creates the empathy is the rough housing combined with the boundary enforcement and the requirement that there will be no more up housing. If you don't think of somebody besides yourself the same with the assertiveness versus aggressiveness the second or third time around the kid may say, well, you know, I, I didn't push him or her, and then dad is able to say, that's what pushing is that's too. That's where the assertiveness became aggressiveness, not in those words, but you can't push that way. That hard that EPA thing will mom can say that intellectually one hundred times dad could say it intellectually times, but the child doesn't learn it until she or he experiences it. That's what teaches the difference between being assertive an aggressive. So now we have the data to show that children who roughhouse form a bond with her dad. The bond allows the data to set the boundaries and enforce the boundaries without there being resentment because that bond is so strong kids know that they're going to go back to the roller coaster, and they also and get the boundaries enforce, and they're going to have a lot of fun. So they wanted. They wanna play the game with Ted. This is just one example of nine different styles that das- have versus moms happened. What an encouraging dads to do not blaming dads for not sharing with moms. I don't know of any parenting magazine that explains this, but on the other hand, I'm not blaming moms, either because moms can't hear what dads don't say, well, this, this, this one piece with. The roughhousing and how it is creating this bond and building. Those respect with Wayne, the father, and the children, looking the.

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