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It is the best predictor of a child being as parents self understanding on today's show. You're GONNA talk about. We are going to talk about effortless perfection affection. And I'm going to be talking about me that by the way I'm drinking a smoothie and they say that sometimes it makes you cough actually it. Last time I did that during the show I coughed the whole time. Do you remember. I just decided well are you. Are you effortlessly perfect. I'm effortlessly perfect But first we have a conference come up February twentieth and twenty nine. Th early bird is over what he means. The early bird is over as we had early bird prices until last Friday but do not despair because you can still get tickets to the conference. Just go to zen parenting radio DOT COM or is then parenting conference dot COM I just found out that there are are a few more spaces for my pre conference workshop. which is good news? I did not think there were. There's more spaces for the guys. Pre Conference workshops to Sweden. Are there spaces for both. So if you already have a ticket new thought we'd run out. We have more and if you don't have your ticket yet you can still get one in. My goal is to get a trying to balance insys out closer to a fifty fifty ratio men to women. I know that that's a lofty goal and probably is going to happen. But let's do our best to get because we're going to talk about boys and masculinity entity and girls and femininity and everything in between we have this thing that not just todd and I but everybody has this thing that sometimes when things are do things can be moving along meaning changing and growing. But it's hard for us to see how much things have changed. We still get very focused and I want want it to be better. I have this thing on my vision board. That says you know I can't I can't remember the exact quote but this is the gist. Like you know if you a year ago if you can see where you were going to be you would have been psyched. Sure and we have had more men come but I think because this year we are are focusing so much unhealthy masculinity. It just makes sense to if you're going to jump in this is a year so we you know what the Egos good at moving targets always the and that's a good that's a more succinct distinct way to say what I said is that you know. Sometimes we'll be like if if I could just have this year. Everything would be great but guess. What as soon as that year comes? You're like no by need a few more things this isn't it'll be happy right which is very connected to what we're talking about today Yes but before you get there the tribe. Men's retreat were almost sold route. Seventy one days away were sold out selling more because we want to give the opportunity for as many guys as we think we can facilitate A. and create a space to have an amazing weekend and I get all that. I just thought we were talking about numbers already in that you were all setting their. We're getting there all right and then and you and I have to figure out what we're GONNA do for culturing no plans as I've been gone and we've been we were at fourteen forty and then I went away. It's just we're we're we're we're not burning the candle at both ends exactly but time hasn't been on our side as rolling stone time One quick take yes. They were jumping okay benedict cumberbatch. Sherlock won't take a role if the female co star isn't paid equally. Yes he says if if she's not paid the same as the men. I'm not doing it. Yes I can go on but I'm not going to just awesome. Thank you benedict right. Drop the MIC right and just so you know. There's there's been a lot of production companies like I know. Michael Jordan's production company has that kind of a parody to where he not only is the pay. Ah the same. But he has made the commitment to making sure. There's just as many women working on the film as behind the scenes and and this is like a big lofty goal for these these. They are the pioneers. Because there's there are plenty of women and men and women of color and men of color to do this work but maybe they're not in that mainstream yet with everybody so they have to do the work to make sure that they bring people in and they do that work for us so we find this amazing talent and we find these people who haven't been given a shot and instead of sticking within that network I I I really think it's fantastic. I appreciate You know I appreciate organizations. That are willing to do that. I appreciate you sweetie. So it ain't you've been talking about so we're going to talk about effortless perfection and you just using effortless kind of just to be like what's the word like. I'm kind of making fun fun of it. Because there's no such thing it's somewhat of an oxymoron forecasting sarcastic. I'm being I'm being funny. Effortless perfection. Right well I was rereading so Anna Quindlin. Has these little books that I love. They're like they're pretty old. I'm trying to remember when they came out like like in early. Two thousand two thousand five one is called being perfect and one is called. I think the can't remember what the other one's called but this one being perfect I occasionally just pick it up literally takes me five minutes to read but it says nothing important or meaningful or beautiful or or interesting or great ever came out of imitations what is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself more difficult because there is no Zeitgeist to read no template follow mask to wear terrifying actually chilly because it requires you to set aside what your friends expect what your family and your coworkers demand. What you're quaint require to set aside the messages this? This culture sends through its advertising entertainment disdain and disapproval about how you should behave and then it goes on to say you set aside tradition and expectation. He and I just been writing about this a lot lately. How this really is the The goal of innocent even. It's not a goal like as soon as you start the words start to mess with the understanding. It's that eventually it could be when you're forty sixty twenty or sixteen gene. You have to get to the work of being yourself authenticity you do and again even that were even though I use that word all the time but people be like Yep I gotta be authentic. What what does that mean mean? It means that we were having this We don't need to use our daughters for this we can just use ourselves but you know some of your children may have more difficulty in one area and that is okay and that's not something you need to say. It shouldn't be this way or she should do it this way this way because everybody else does or we. We may have an expectation that we had either for our kids ourselves and it doesn't work out but that doesn't mean we're failing it is in the work of being ourselves. Selves is figuring out really. What's the most important the most important port and you know kind of getting back to that city slickers thing the one thing and then allowing everything else around it to kind of move and to not feel as if as if you are I like her language about fitting a template or that we do especially for our children? There is such a starting with getting in the right preschool. There is such a line line. We're think we're supposed to follow and adhere to and it never ends so it never ends so it starts when you are in When you're I remember Abell talked about this on his launching rockets program? There's parents sign their kids up for preschool. When they're born you leave with got hanes talked about that last time? We saw that that as soon as your child is born. And she actually didn't didn't she tell a funny story about how they had. Just come home from the hospital. She said her husband likes swing by the school. Great needed like a birth certificate. And you know that's that's setup is a setup for sure and what's seductive if you start art down that path babies born in your unless you make shift. You're probably GONNA keep doing that type of thing throughout their entire higher academic career into their real life job stuff like you know exactly and well they don't and that's why I mean like some kids teen some. Some teenagers figured this out some young kids figure this out where they're like no. I'm not going to do it. This way Some of the people that I see the most are women. Thirty thirty five to about fifty. Who Start to figure this out and who start to realize? They've been following all the rules doing all the things they were told adhering to the template and they're miserable so who eventually you figure this out and it can be kind of slog until you do and you you base yourself off of external measures. Here's you base yourself off of how everyone else is holding you up and you lose track of what feels right to you and again like I said if you have a child eld who like we were just talking about this like school you have to go to school in some way shape or form right so that can be what your donation foundation Dacian is and then there's all sorts of things around that that can change but we'd sometimes treat everything else like school and this is just the example that you that's a good way to say it and soccer practice and ballet and debate team and football is not as important as school yet when I treat it like you cannot Miss Mr Football practice because if you do in your coach is going to end well and even the system is set up that way. There's there's I know like in certain sports. They say if you miss a practice you get kicked off. Yeah well our A few of our friends are on the track team cross country country and it starts before school starts right just kind of funny starts in like surly August and then we because we spend time with his family we'd go away with them or Labor Day and the kids can't spend the entire Labor Day weekend with us because they have to go to Because if you miss a certain amount you're off the team right and you can argue that depending lend you're looking at through you can say. Yeah of course I see making commitment. You GotTa do it its priorities. What is the most important thing? Now if our kids were on cross country. They're not but if they hated it or really disliked it then it would make what are you doing. They love it corrects. Then yes missed the family vacation for me and you. It's like why are we going to miss. But I know there's a lot of parents out there who varsity athletes like we have to structure our lives around the sport right. I understand that I'm not judging that at all all but are you structuring. Your lives around that sport because your child wants that or because you think that's what you do. Here's the thing is this is what I mean about. You have to be able to pull everything apart. It gets all mixed up or Goud together into this ball of Goud. Yeah I'm picturing it like a big Wad of gum and it's all these things that we make one big WADA. Gump have to have to have to because the house and really if you start to pull it apart and again you may say yes my child wants is this. Then you'd build like we have had these discussions a lot. There are certain things that are not like hugely long-term things but they've been really into that we for example we leave for holiday break late because one of our daughters has performance that she really wants to do now we could say put our foot down and say no we were gonNA leave on Friday. We're not waiting till Sunday. But sh this is something that's important to her. So but you guys are are hearing the word into her. Do you know what I mean like. Sometimes as a family we say this is what you do right versus and again this is where it's not just about sports. We're we're kind of going on that track but it's really about anything this whole idea. That kids have to just even the word half to have to show show up this way and look this way and be this way in every aspect of their lives it it eventually maybe not right away but could lead to a lot of anxiety could lead to a lot of depression feeling if you are being forced to do things always you can understand. Why sense of hopelessness comes in? This is all about at what cost now. The problem is we don't know what the cost is. We don't know like if you're one of those parents says no you gotta go to school every single day even if you have a low grade fever like I'm just making up then then you could be thinking. Oh I'm teaching my kids perseverance. Resilience that grit all that stuff. Sure it is possible. You might be doing that but you also might be teaching them that they're going to be kind of what you just said anxiety right and this is why. I'm like you have to build a foundation like if the most important thing is you gotta get to school then that is going to be where you have to draw the line with. We're GONNA go to. School is something that has to be done by law right. It's not really a hard reach but even that if you think about it and I'm sorry to interrupt you but we've talked about the emotional wellness day like the right but I'm just talking. I mean that's a day versus I'm talking about the the overall overall what do you have to talk about the nuance within what we're talking about. So so but let's take school. For example out of school comes activities homework expectations grades grades Blah Blah Blah so going to school is essential but maybe.