Partner, Russ Harris discussed on The Virtual Couch


Greets, everything every stimulus every experience with curiosity with interest with openness kind of just when you separate when you recognize I'm having these thoughts the observing self steps in and says, I got I got what's going on here. What are what are the fought? So were thinking, oh, we're telling yourselves that the life is supposed to. Fair story or telling yourselves, the I would be happier. If I had a sweet new car story, and so the observing self gets kind of step back, and and understand that this is why we're having these thoughts. So they're kind of seen in a new light, which brings us to principle. Number five clarifying your values. This is a big part of act. It's about clarifying. What's most important to the deepest part of ourselves that we can access? What's most important about the person that you want to be what's meaningful to you? What you stand for in this life? So your values provide the direction for your life. They motivate you to make significant changes. This is where I can get really kind of geeky on this stuff to one of the things. I see is that therapist is typically we don't even really know what our core values. Are. We've been told what our values should be growing up. We've been told what value should be by our parents, or even were kind of soon, what are value should be maybe by are at school or faith community. Or even what our spouse tells us, and so huge disconnect air to what is really important to us. Versus what we think that is supposed to be important to us. And I've said this another podcast as well. But if you've got a goal or even did this New Year's resolutions, and it's not based on your individual values important to you because of your private experiences that you bring to the table right now than those just become rules. And when when something becomes a rule, then doesn't necessarily feel as connected to you. And then that's when people start to be able to tell us what's wrong with me story. I can't even keep this rule of it's based on your value. It's going to be a little more difficult. So and act oriented counselor might might kind of ask the client to complete some sort of life values questionnaire, and I love doing this which respondent to reflect on their values, and in only there, it's it's something that needs to be done one on one because you can even have your partner, you know, all almost all the value. Sound great. And so when you're saying to your partner that you know. A particular value is not important to you. But but they feel like it's important to them. They ought to be kind of a really easy example, one of the values that when it comes to mind is when these values of adventure, and I've got a client that you know, he was he was grew up just being venturous. But now, he's he's really busy career has little kids and just doesn't feel like he can really be adventurous. And so he just feels more of this kind of cooped up feeling and so when he's not being true to those values, then he doesn't feel connected. Doesn't feel connected with his career or spouse or kids or and so then it's a little bit easier detach because he's having these what's wrong with me story and the in the what's wrong with me stories tied into him. Not not being able to kind of work toward values of wanting to be more adventurous in life in general. So. Another thing. That's always kinda nice to clarify values. Versus goals. Some people aren't clear on the difference between values and goals. Russ Harris explains that goals are kind of more of a one shot deal where values are so because they are consistently in our lives, something we hold dear. He uses an analogy of somebody wanna journey saying that they're going to keep heading west. So that consistent direction is analogous to value. Because no matter how far the person may travel. There's always west you can always continue to go any westerly direction. If somebody's going to send the peak of a mountain along the way that's the goal because once climb to the top of that mountain. They've achieved the goal to done deal. Once we know what value is we can kind of drive more meaningful goals in order to live by values. So and then again, it goes back to what are your real values?.

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