Dina Max, Cancer, Bob Dany Fabulous discussed on Talking Cancer
Being so honest with us. It's hugely appreciated. Thank you Bob Dany Fabulous McMillan. Professional is back with me. First of all Dina Max. What a what a story what do you make of how him and his family have dealt with it I mean so many practical tips in there from things that they've done that feel like their original that you could put different slot tone but absolutely amazing How how they dealt with as a family and again experiences very different for different individuals for different families. What are the most common questions that you get About end of life so I think A common question people often ask themselves And family members often debate is how long how long have I got left to live? When they know their time is limited and and that's very difficult because some people ask the question on perhaps they don't really want to know the answer and I think it's always very difficult to give a very specific time And I worked with Palliative care consultant. Who was very good at doing this? And she always used to double check that they actually wanted the answer but then she would say whether she thought they had weeks or months and she So she didn't say you have two weeks or you know she just say. I think it's going to be very few weeks. And I think that gives a good indication without being specific so people are taking the days off on the calendar and getting very upset anxious in those days as well. Max described very eloquently This pre grieving process that I completely related to Give some explanation of what that is. What what he meant by that. I mean he really articulated it. Really well Will you know you're going to lose someone but you don't know when and so you you start the grieving process in in essence and that's different for for everyone in terms of shock. Fear Anger acceptance. There's very good literature around the grieving process. And some people experience all of that some people only one of those things but in essence. It's about you coming to terms with the fact that you're gonNA lose your loved one owner on a practical level. I think because we've mentioned you know when you're in this huge emotional turmoil. Structure is is helpful. What if somebody's just received an end of life diagnosis? What sort of kicks in? How what what steps should people expect? on what would happen. Generally to kind of help them through that I think the most important thing. And that's why Max story is just so important is is being able to talk and I know they were a close family. And some people don't feel that they can talk to friends or family Up about it but understanding what what you want. If you're in the situation where you're facing end of life. When do you want to consider having no treatment? If you're still having treatment where where do you want to be? Who Do you want to support you? Support is out there and you can have those conversations with your gp or even your clinical team that you can have them. You can have them and you can actually undertake something called an advanced care plan where you can document those things so that all those people caring for you like the GP will understand what your wishes are and you can share that with family members. I mean obviously including family members in those conversations is really helpful to talking about including people in the conversations maxes story about how his family filmed conversations with his mom. And just you know they just put the camera on so they've got a lot of normal That they've that they've recorded as well stuff that they've they didn't even realize they were recording quite a unique approach but served as a great example. About how you might approach those final weeks or months I just. I thought that was such an amazing idea. I think one of the things when you're going to lose someone that feels really important. Most people is making memories So reflecting on past memories and often you know you talk about things that happened historically that you remember what Happy Times but also creating memories that you can keep hold off once The the person's no longer around and that's was such such a good idea and Unfortunately because often people don't talk about things openly an half those open discussions they lose that opportunity to make those choices make memories which does seem such a shame. If you've never been in the situation. Contemplating death is a huge psychological Minefield it's how do you? What what? What is your advice if you are? Really Johnnie worried about the physicality of it about the the you know the psychological effects about how you're dealing with it links back to your first question about what people expect There's lots of things of the things they sometimes ask is. What will it be like? What can I expect Named reality some some people Active and doing things right up until the last few days whereas other people are much weaker. I'm perhaps the last couple of weeks are very tired and and in bed and I think that they're very individual things will say based on what's causing you to So so what type of cancer you have. What type of treatment? You've had generally how you've coped through. That might be an indication an and actually if people worried about symptoms you can just talk through some of the common symptoms that that that people can have when they're approaching end of life and what you can do to actually alleviate those so people don't have to be in pain they don't have to feel sick and sometimes people get very worried about people eating and drinking yes And there's this need to try and feed their relative or the left one and make sure they they drink to keep them alive and in reality. It's a natural process. I'm people won't suffer through that. So if they're hungry and they want to enjoy something let them half it if they're not hungry I it doesn't matter We'LL IS IMPORTANT. Is that obviously? You keep their Their mouth comfortable and moist You know because obviously if they're not drinking their mouth will dry. It knows Final few days Max and his family planned His mom's funeral meticulously is quite an undertaking. It sounded like a A really special day. How would you recommend people approach funeral planning because it's not easy? It's not an actually doing. After the event is is can be quite traumatic. I mean I I think that's a fabulous example where they had time where they were able to talk and they were able to planets and actually there are lots of schemes. Now where you can do that while you're well and Y which feels much healthier And in a way Takes the burden of you know sort of how many families though taught tweet other about you know what would you do? It isn't and that would be a really good thing to do. You know if you've got the opportunity as a family and you've gone out. Only relative is to try and help those sorts of conversations but but people don't say you know. I think they are a good example of how they approached it. You can still do it. That way. even after somebody has died so think about the person and the essence of the person and what they would have wanted because in reality you probably know anyway. So I think there's lots of ways that you can approach and there's lots of websites out there that give advice I'm we will have on our website. Marie Curie have advice on their website. There's lots of places people can go to think about how you plan a funeral when you do it. Words of advice for people who have lost a loved one resuming their lives. It's a very strange period. After somebody has passed away the friends and family want is your advice in that period afterwards. How do you get back to any semblance of a normal life? I mean yes. Life does have to go on. But actually the the pain of losing someone can be quite physical as well as emotional And talking talking is a really important thing and if you can't talk amongst people that you care about you know talk to your gp about how you feel. Potentially I loved a maximum sample about texting. Mind and and looking online. If you can't kind of pick up the phone All of that applies are after the event. You need just to be very aware of your feelings and know that it's okay to be sad and if you're struggling to pick up the pieces and carry on without that person around then there is lots of support out there. I think I slept for a month. I was exhausted. I think those are you because you you don't realize how much you're coping And the the energy the emotional energy physical energy that that takes up. I slept for a month. It was. It was incredible. And it's okay to cry. When a particular song comes on the radio you know oil in a place you think. Oh they say would have loved to be here I. It's okay to cry. It's a normal reaction. It totally I used to go into. Mum used to perfume. And every time I go into like DEM's or more like that and I'd get a whiff of it for a long time. I just so and it does take you by surprise abated. And it's good to know that that's okay you know. I've still got the bottle of aftershave that my dad was using before he died and now and again I have and it just reminds me of him. It's just so nice. Oh Dany I could talk to you all day. Thank you so very much again and my thanks. Our thanks to Max for coming in to tell a story if you've been affected by the very sensitive topics we've discussed in this episode. Please contact on McMillan support line on. Oh Eight oh eight. Eight eight double zero w zero open seven days a week. Eight till eight next time. We're talking work and cancer with Helen. The night before I went in to have surgery my boss said to me. I think we'll get somebody else in. I ended up two days after my surgery between payroll from my hospital bed in hospital. They actually confiscate my laptop. I should think so. Subscribe if you'd like to hear that in every new episode whenever it's ready have you enjoying the series why not give it a rating or a review? It helps others on the podcast more easily. I'm a maybe talking. Cancer is cancer. Support podcast.