Bay Area, Elizabeth Holmes, Lance Armstrong discussed on Radio Specials
That those crazy clap lines where the applause 0 M goes crazy, that kind of success fantasy. Trickles down, and then you think about somebody like Elizabeth Holmes or the Salinger people or Lance Armstrong, where they'll positively corrupt themselves. Because they're buying into this man on an odyssey. Many valleys, monsters, naysayers, people trying Tio. Take it away from you. And you have to just keep powering through such the Solyndra, the solar panel company, which was out here in the Bay Area, They got to the point where they had 1100 employees, and they had spent $535 million before somebody saying was able to say Uncle I give up. Have you had an occasion where you're reading the tea leaves and thinking I've gotta let go here. Yeah, I mean, I did stand up comedy for years. But then, as soon as it was work, I stopped. I didn't have enough ambition. It was not like my dream. I literally stumbled upon it because it was two per than therapy on I and I got paid. So when I got sober It was harder to dio just because I got a little more sort of mentally and emotionally healthy. And I was just not as goddamn funny anymore. It's not as miserable honestly, the thing I did not give up on in my life that I wanted to, and I'm really glad I didn't Was I started a church from scratch. With a few $100 in a mechanical pencil and my personality and I stuck in it for 10 years, and now it's its own little thing. One of the things I'm the most proud of is that I was the founder of something, and it's doing quite well without me. So was leaving it a big deal, or did you always intend to let it fly on its own? It was super important that I not up by staying too long. I started saying early on at some point, this church is going to need a pastor with a different set of skills than I have. And I hope that we all come to that conclusion about the same time. Ideally, yeah, you know, I started something called notes and words. And it was 10 years old last year, and it's writers and musicians on stage together for Childrens Hospital, And so it's an annual concert in 2000. People go in the last one. We raised $3.3 million in a night. So super fun, Super successful. It took me a really long time, but I just quit on and it's interesting because I quit in the exact same way that you let go of your church, which is to say if Children's hospitals are the kind of thing where the donor's outgrow it overtime. I said When I left, you need somebody who has a five year old, a three year old, a two year old. And they can run it out for the next 10 years. And I hope hope, hope that it continues. But there is a feeling of abandonment. No Oh, yeah, There was a lot that was very difficult for me with walking away, but it was so important to me that I do it well. And that I do it at the right time. Well, that gets to this very important idea, I think, which is that There's a difference. Between giving up and letting go. Okay, I think it's way more than semantics. I was thinking about some of the most gut wrenching giving ups that I know. And then as soon as I Change the words toe letting go. It felt better at a friend to Liz lads who died after seven years of ovarian cancer treatments that were just excruciatingly. She did 88 rounds of chemotherapy and six years and nine months into it. She kind of whispered to me over the phone like I can't do it like you did any more. And it was like you're allowed. Let go. You do not have to stay here and do this. And then I had a friend who had fertility treatments for almost seven years, and she let go and and switch gears and went towards adoption. Yeah. And then I had a friend who was married to a guy who got hooked on meth. And she tried to run tried and he gave up for 90 days and he'd come home and then he'd follow away again and disappear and come back anyway, she finally said, I have to let you go like if I keep holding on to. We're both going to drown. And so I think about With my girls. I I would just die if they Didn't have a way to figure out what to let go of. And what to keep. You know what? Teo? Turn your back on and what to commit Tio. It's really thorny but never give up is not the answer. I mean, that is not a fair mantra. I love that distinction. There's a difference between giving up feels like a failure and letting go feels like just a choice to pivot in another direction. There's so much self awareness baked into letting go. It seems like a thing you would do after a particularly good inventory your emotions around something to say. I am finished. Yeah. Gwyneth culture would call it conscious on couple ing my eyes when I read that, But it is this idea. I do hear someone else Say, doesn't Glennon Doyle said that her marriage was finished? Yes. And I love that. See, this is the thing that really disturbs me. You talked about Counsellors, saying People don't want to get divorced because it would feel like a failure. Well, why can't it just be that a marriage is done like you said. It's served me for this period. I think it's really Disadvantageous for us to continue to see marriage is ending as a failure when it actually is a extremely common and be often such a better choice than 45 50 years of misery. Why is it that staying in a marriage in which neither of you are flourishing, and you just live in this sort of low level? The resentment of the other person, But you didn't give up. Is that successful? You know, Instead of going, I honor you for what you brought to my life for these Children we had and we're going to actually bless each other. To sort of go. I bless you in your departure and you being on another path now. Well, that makes you want to ask the question that you said at the very top, which is Food is the story benefit. Right, because if there's a story that's being promoted that success is marriage until death. And failure is divorce. Who was telling that story? Who's supporting that story? And why Yeah, and who's being harmed by this story? Also, I would just argue there's so many kinds of death. I mean, if you believe until death do you part Death shows up in a lot of ways, You know, it's so interesting. Have you read Victoria Chang a bit? Uh, she's this beautiful poet Allen Bass turned me on to her. Who's also a beautiful bow it it's a book cut a bit. Every single page is a little teeny obituary for a different part of this person's life. Ah, beautiful. Oh, my gosh. It's so beautiful. And now a man, why don't we have a book of blessings for the end of a marriage to bless the other person? Yes, at the end of a job. Totally. Yeah, yeah. Where the end of a pursuit like this is the end of me trying to climb this mountain. And this is the end of me trying to force this project and this is the end of me. China make this housework, You know of me doing housework looking for that blessing, so to say that it's our job to Go out there and share stories very smart, letting go slash giving up moments that air worthy of celebrating and emulating. I have this image in my head from that film the mission. No clubs that DeNiro Robertson Nero has this huge net. He has to climb this cliff to get him to injure. And he has this huge net that's filled with pots and pans and his riches and his stuff and him. Holding on to that is going to kill him. Somebody has to set him free from it. They have to cut those chords so that he can be free. If you think the goal is I have to get to the top with the stuff then you're going to be like I can't give up. You can't give up. And so I guess I wonder with some of this stuff is we get attached to one thing because we aren't honest about what the rial. Actual truth of the goal is because most times the goal is to Have security is toe have safety is to know where loved is to know that we're valued. I think sometimes if they're attached to something that we want to accomplish what's really underneath it is going. Am I valuable? Am I worthy of being seen and my worthy of love and ultimately, that's what we want. So what we can do is to let go of the specificity of this goal..