Haider, Johnny, GOP discussed on In Your Corner Divorce

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It's the clothing exchanges. It's the sporting equipment. Exchanges it's Certain behaviors that. I don't tolerate. We're not going to prohibit for example a child from saying hi to dad because it's mom's day own my lord. Please tell us right now. The the behaviors that you don't tolerate. Because i know that it's it sounds ridiculous. Say it out loud but this is actually what's happening so tell us behaviors that you see that you do not tolerate because i i have to that. I don't tolerate. I want your list. So don't tolerate any name calling of any that's one of my that is just encapsulating of there is no negative talk ever the other parent ever under no circumstances in that includes if someone else is in the room saying it about them you shut it down right absolutely okay. Don't talk about your dad that way If there's a problem let's talk about the problem. Or like another relative saying it about their father or their mother that down right I don't permit sort of during exchanges. I limit what they're allowed to communicate about and they're not allowed to go beyond that scope And i there's been a couple where i've said the next report that i hear. I wanna hear that you had a smile on your face and said hey how are you. Johnny had a great weekend. Because that's what. I expected to be in front of the kids. So i don't allow any name calling or negative talk about the other parents I don't allow any sort of this. These games that we play in extracurricular activities where one parent Can't the child can't talk to the other parent because it's mom's time or whatever so that's my second omen two in my second one is under no circumstances. Are you just sit in separate sections. You are in a public place. No one's gonna physically harm each other. There's people all around you don't sit next to each other on into their laps but you can sit in the same row or in the same sections so when your kid hits a first base run the gop to one place. He gives me chills every time. I talk about it to have that moment where they have to look in multiple places. Because you're so selfish you can't be in the same space on the you wanted to live with for the rest of your life right and you you've created this child together and The other thing is i. Don't i've shut down a couple of where we start talking to service providers the school the coaches about while our shared parenting plan says this our parent coordinator told me that we have to do this. All you need to say to that service provider is. Can we schedule an appointment when i can get The data on the phone or is it. Okay if i pay you half and dad pays you have. Would you prefer one of us. A you in full not bringing their drama in garbage. All over haider's right right and for the really really high conflict. Unless there's an issue of poverty I mandate that they get on our family wizard and app or they have to message each other and then they get in trouble for tone no. It's not that they get in trouble for tax trouble. But like i have a client that if they don't when they write something the person in the middle season and they have to have a specific tone. So would i typically do is i use that. It's a it's an court-approved communication system and has a calendar function. It has an information bank. It has an expense reimbursement function. It's a fantastic tool. I like to use it to monitor communications. And then when i see a communication that's gone outside of our rules i say okay. I label it parenting exercise and say i want you to redo this email to comport with our rules Or if a situation happened over the weekend outdo parenting exercise. Please tell me what you could have done differently yet. Plus regarding that one of my clients who was working so hard to have star divorce regardless of what her co parent one city or doesn't want to do is involved in a situation. They have one week on one week off. Shared parenting which i actually find to be really painful for the children It's really it's really emotionally painful especially for young children to be away from apparent for that long but she is not allowed to talk to her own children for a week. Only giving like trout times the whole week and i'm like why would you do anything to take away the ability to communicate with the other trial like that with the other parent like why would why would any parent say no. I don't want to talk to your mom or dad now and i don't typically You're told that by one of your clients. What are you. So i tell them. The typically i don't allow those kinds of restrictions Is is a you know you're divorced not theirs and that We're trying to help them get to a new normal. Yes what what. A lot of parents don't understand. Is that the divorce and having to split. Two homes is a traumatic experience for kids their whole life. Sometimes they're now at two new homes because the marital residence. That's what we did four blocks away on purpose because we wanted them to be able to ride their bike and dad's house mom's house to get a cord. You forgot and to be in the same neighborhood on breaks. Yeah so you know. I tell them you know. Let's have a phone call during quiet time at the end of the day so that mom can say how was your day will get you in jamie makeup. I remember you told me yesterday. You had a fight. This allows both parents to stay integrated into the child's life and have those sort of intimate moments with their kids where they have shared stories. Well i'm really talking to mom about my friendship with suzy. Because i'm not comfortable talking with that about it but you know but then there's some things going on you know the dad's helping child work through and they wanna be able to just call and say. Hey guess what happened today or download them study for a on friday and then it's mom's week next week. The has to wait a whole week to find out how you get on your idea. Restricting any access to someone's parent right almost feels abusive I think it's traumatic. I mean i think you're you're telling the child that there's something inherently wrong with you wanting to have contact with your paren- on my parenting. This is my parenting time. It's all about them and it's all about nine one right. This is an the parents. This is your problem you need to get over it. I love you you might rain. How go ahead mike. Famous line is suck it up buttercup and get over it. I am stealing. And i'm gonna tell you tolerance yours but it's true i just had so i also offered the service of cold figuring it out. Which is sue. Hard and i basically sit with one client at a time in then two of them at a time and we just lay out the facts that he would never tell someone what to do. I believe in marriage and love. I also believe in healthy divorce. Whatever is right for your family. But when one parent decides that this is what the right choice for them and the other one doesn't want it no matter.

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