When i tell my wife that i'm stone. Cold therapy top. Who manipulated every therapist into changing the subject when it gets real. She's rightfully unimpressed. But like i warned them of my powers instill. I have changed the subject from my dead. Mom's local politics quicker than you can say counterproductive. I'm more than one occasion. It's not good for me. Like i'm going to therapy because i needed. I've got this problem. i can't cry. i don't cry. I haven't done it in decades. I can't reach those like as lolo feelings. And i also i can't feel the high feelings. I live in this muted palette of beige to perry winkle emotional experiences just so limited and you know like when my friends are are feeling like high moments of joy. And i'm with them or having like a shared moment of grief. One of two things inevitably happened to me either. I have this very visceral feeling of like a garage door. Just sort of closing immune in locking me out of the moment or literally locked out of my body like leave my body and i can't return to it to join in this moment with people because i can't be president in it then i don't form memory of it and it's like i just never was there and i've even ask their pissed like you know in my sociopath and my artistic and they say no you know you. Just have a tendency to disassociate that felt too late for me so so i consulted the world's most powerful dr google doc and i did a web search for like. Why can't cry all these like really sad web searches and i came up with like the web self-diagnosis of deep personalization disorder. And and i thought like. How do i turn this. Turn this into a good thing right. So i my interview for my first nursing job i i figured i would get the question like why do you think you're good fit for the emergency room and i would say something like well and very calm in moments like in highly emotional moments and they would hire me on the spot but they didn't ask the question but they did hire me and i got my first nursing job straight out of nursing school as my dream job is emergency room nurse in starting in january twenty twenty which we all can agree was the moment just before it all hit the fan in new york city and the way it works at this hospital is that you you. Don't go straight to the emergency room. Because i would be crazy for a nurse. They train you. A little bit in inpatient care and i started in an inpatient regular in patient unit and they do things something called primary nursing. Which is that. They tried to assign the same patients to the same. Nurses is often as possible. Because you really get to know that patient you can really do nice treat them like continuity of care they get treated better and i had this one guy that i i've been working with for like a month on. Here's cranky but we really got to like each other in the end. In one day. I come into work and his door shut. And there's a sign now on his door indicating that he's a a covert rule out case had just thought like no way. Not this dude. You know. I've been working with them for so long but it really have time to think about it. 'cause like ten minutes into the shift is oxygen levels drop he codes really fast is in full cardiac arrest and this mid-march we have like no pp in the hospital and and so they were really limiting the amount of people inside the code so it was just they just picked me worst option ever and a new doctor also didn't know anything he was just like. We were just totally out of our depth in on. I'm there on my pumping his chest and there's doctors outside the door and they're yelling at us of what to do or go faster. Pump faster getting this mad. It was the worst relay race is. I was like running together. Bed coming back and push it and like cpr so violent on a body and this guy just he really had very very poor prognosis even before he died this time in so they did the really kind thing which is that. They sort of ended the code a little bit earlier than they would in a normal situation and then and then it was. You know like when you're doing cpr. Like i'm in this moment of. I can credible adrenalin-pumping pumping you've got this. Stinky stress sweats like everything is going slow motion and a million miles at the same time. The monitor's alarming. The most alarming alarm sounds just panic. Inducing and then it's over and you've got all of a sudden there's nothing in this moment between like extreme action in no action at all. I felt it like. There's this tightness in my throat. And i felt a swell rising my body and i thought oh my god. It's going to happen like i'm going to cry. And i just thought three were. Maybe more therapists have like tried to take me to this precipice and failed in here. I was like king of cry mountain. And i was like all right. Keep it cool. As like excuse me and i walked to the storage room and i steadied myself and i tried to like relax. The borders of my body so they would like stretch against my self trying embody trying to leave itself and just as like the cry was just like fixing to breach the surface. The charge nurse comes in practice interruptus. I lost the moment. It all dissolved and went away. I lost my opportunity like a week later as transferred to issue to do my training there and there it was like like hospice in space. You know everybody wearing spacesuits. Everybody had dying of covert at that time you know. There was tubes bringing oxygen and nutrients to people bags. collecting body. Wastes was all very horrible on strange and there was like nothing we could do for these patients. Even though there was so much we wanted to do and And so some days. They're just wasn't like a lot of action and One day my job. I came in charge. Nurse said like your job. Today is to watch this person die. They had a dnr. They were already actively dying. They needed somebody to sort of mark the time of death. And then i guess i would get something do day So i just stood there. You know and i watched through the glass and the numbers just got worse and worse and happens slowly vendor positives and slowly than a positive and all of a sudden he was just dead marked. The time of death ended up. His body prepared him for transport to the mark. And the whole time. I just i just felt nothing you know. They're doing a job a doctor who'd been working alongside taking care of this patient for the last couple of weeks came and he was kind of shaken by the death And he said you know. Are you okay. And i was like. Oh yeah no problem. And like i knew immediately i messed up. You know it was like. I had just shared a part of myself that i didn't mean to share to him and i like. He found out that i was just like robot. Not person like this impostor of human. And now i was really embarrassed that my secret was out at work that i didn't have the skill set to be a human in. So you know i think of of trying as a tool a tool of being human. You know it's controlled by our autonomic nervous system. It's a part of her body. We have no control over. It's a part of her body. That makes us blush. We have a crush. It makes our heart race faster than I've illusionary scientists. There is that crying is this auditory and visual signal to other people that.