Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Border Patrol discussed on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah: Ears Edition

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Is called Oh alligators could be joining. The Border Patrol Vladimir Putin exposes a secret and Donald Trump is getting impeached. thank you thank you I have I have lost a little weight thank you so let's catch up on today's headlines Let's kick it off with the story that has been blowing up online today it involves zoo offense and a woman who seemed Dan King Way Too many times from the category of Lucky to be alive take a look at this video of a woman who crossed a safety barrier at the Bronx Zoo here in New York and had a close encounter with the lion the kept to itself but the zoo said the woman's action was unlawful and could have resulted in serious injury or death you gotta wonder what the Lions thinking here I know what the lines thinking he's thinking what are you doing a lion here can you see actually feel bad for that because look how confused here he's got that look like when you're not sure if you just walk into the bathroom Actually you know what I think the line was really thinking lines looking at her like what are you doing you're black you don't need extra danger and life lady what are you doing what you're doing right now technically cultural appropriation this crazy shit is for white people shouldn't be you shouldn't be man who thinks the notebook was a comedy he has always denied meddling in America's two thousand sixteen election but yesterday he was asked if he's going to meddle in twenty twenty and his answer was refreshingly honest is Russia as robot Mila alleged attempting to influence the twenty twenty elections in the United States. I'll tell you in a secret yes we will Clinton needs a secret so that everybody can laugh and so we go big but don't tell anyone please you gotTa love that classic Russian sense of humor you know threats we're sending to Siberia then after you live in forty years in Siberia. We'll like Douglas Funny Right yes spun me actually Putin is probably the funniest guy in Russia when you think about it because I mean it's easier to joke around when you're the only person the country not afraid of being killed by Vladimir Putin if you go on Russian Netflix he's got all the top stand up specials and his standup is great though he's just like women McCoy's evening like this but men die from poisoning this people drive Kurla gifts but the black people leaving Russia and finally let's move on to Tesla it's the call for people who want to save the environment but still want people to think there are assholes and while every new Tesla is a technological one there are still a few bugs in the system Tesla's smart summoned promises to allow your car to drive to you or location of your choosing from two hundred feet away with no one behind the wheel as long as the car is in sight for Tesla the right of the future may have just hit a pothole this morning videos of the car companies Thomas Feature failing and fuelling online criticism g. what's the deal with motorists shock by near misses ooh costly clips and potential dangerous crashes with startled pedestrians chasing after empty vehicles Tesla's latest cutting edge software is driving into high gear again man that car driving itself hall this is this is really a problem I mean I thought Uber Drivers were picking me up now you're gonNA call up your own call like hey it's me it's me I'm at the corner just south of the people you just mowed down on the sidewalk yeah no that's a daycare center keep going like here's the big cosmonauts smart enough to give them this feature and people are definitely not smart enough to have this feature all right because think about it people already drive drunk now what if you're drunk inside of like a casino and you accidentally someone you'll call that's just not going to end well trunk of a car why do I need my grocery bags to hear Adele I don't I don't eat ice cream getting that emotional leaving normal all right that's the headlines Ivanka trump story to watch president trump and if you've watched lately it's clear the impeachment battle has been getting to him for one he's tweeted two hundred seventy six times since Pelosi announced the impeachment inquiry lost back and he's been in such a bad mood that even watching Fox News hasn't cheered him up he's like yes I am the best leader Judge Beretta's everyone eight B well today trump's rage moved from his twitter feed to real life would during a press conference with the leader of Finland he did not react well to the barrage of impeachment questions is son walks out with millions of dollars the kid knows nothing and soda we go ahead asking the question was what did you Finlandia question wow trump was really pissed off they one minute he was the president the next second turned into a spray Tan Samuel Jackson it would have been amazing is if the finish president got a question but then through trump out of the buses like actually I would be interested ear Joe Biden get you screwed me again finished guy now please don't get me wrong I don't want you to think that trump didn't want sure well it sounds like it might be a good question let me see if I like to question go there maybe for the first time in three years I'll have a good question and I'll love it there is a report it came out just before you in President walked out here that the whistle blower met with the staff member of Adam Schiff prior I love that question be filed it shows Jeff Fraud and I love that question thank you thank you John and has to be one of the quickest emotional u-turns I've ever seen right because that he wanted nothing to do with that journalists question the next minute who was trumps favorite question in the entire world like trump treated that journalists the way people treat waiters you know who keep offering the same Ordos so the pasta weeks clearly haven't been trump's favorites impeachment is consuming his life his poll numbers of dipping again and on top of all of that the failing New York Times has reported this breaking news nine exclusive report in The New York Times documenting the lengths to which sources say president trump was prepared to go to stop migrants crossing the southern border he wanted the wall electrified with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh the New York Times reports the privately the president had often talked about fortifying a border wall within water-filled trench stocked with snakes or alligators writes the New York Times is reporting that president trump wants to build a moat along the border wall which was going to be filled with snakes and alligators which I know sounds crazy trump wasn't just coming up with all the warcraft upgrades to his wall no he was also lashing out at his aides when he felt that they weren't making progress on securing the border in late March president trump publicly threatened to close the US Mexico border but according to the Times reporters in a March meeting the president and said visors tried to turn them away from such a drastic move he responded you're making me look like an idiot and shouted Iran on this it's my issue the president reportedly berating then Homeland Security Secretary cures to Nielsen saying quote Lou Dobbs hate you and coulter h you you're making me look bad wow that is so sad imagine carrying that much about what Lou Dobbs and Ann Coulter think of you I mean that's one step away from being like you better embarrassed me in front of the booger I swear to God ask him a question now asylum-seeker who showed up at the border and then get this as soon as trump left the room the head of Border Patrol told everyone else to ignore the residents yeah that's wild you realize the only organization with a top guy gets ignored like that we hit a move beef you hear me kick the machine and make sure it's still doesn't work now some of you might be hearing these reports with snakes and alligators apparently it was real enough that his aides actually went out to seek a cost estimates they actually got a quote of snakes we don't really sell snakes this has been a comedy central podcast.

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