Debbie, Hillard, New York State Writers Institute discussed on Design Matters with Debbie Millman
With mental struggles emotional struggles of being an environment or it's hard to imagine given how money times humans get colds or or even just sort of any random ailment. Think that at some point in your life you're not going to be affected by mental illness. It just doesn't seem even remotely possible to be able to avoid that. Actually it's silly. It's very silly getting to the point where we understand that you know. Physical health isn't jusque physically sick people we all and mental health isn't disturb mentally. Ill like we all have rained yet. We bring hillard to nurture and take care of it and we're mentally different. Well i let myself mentally ill. It feels like if i come in in mentally ill makes. It seem like. I'm about to get better not debbie or not or you're really really fit you just have to cope with better and i agree. Okay well we'll rebrand this. So last thing i want to talk to you about. If you're willing sex okay so this is what you wrote about. Sex pre abbey in untamed. Sex marriage is like an oil change. You just have to keep doing it to keep things running smoothly and later on you go onto state. That sex was a stage and i was the player. I knew how to be desired. I did not no desire. I knew how to be wanted. I did not know how to want. Then when you talk about this lack of joy with your ex husband your therapist ask you if you had tried giving him blowjobs instead. She stated that many women found blowjobs to be less intimate. You then promptly left the therapist so my question to you is this and it's a really serious one and one that i i have personal interest in understanding. My question is how did you learn desire. I want to know. Oh we're talking about the stuff. I think that as started to understand. Desire i think desire was what i felt during their. She mama like i think been woke up in me. That looks like i want her like it wasn't like i want her to want me. Which is how. I had always understood this situation of lake. How rang up. And how you you just find somebody who's kind of like checks boxes and the need to get them to like you and then whatever it was a visceral like i want her and then when we admitted to skip getting more and more intense. Oh my god well especially all those months leading up anticipation guide. You must have destroyed. That hotel room debbie so it was so intense and then in the first and this is making her crazy she is so get so ameris. Talk about this stuff in public and private way and i can't talk about it hyperactivity i still that so interesting. Oh my god. That's so interesting it's sad to me. It's a common barest to talk about it. What one i don't know anyway. Well that's that's the whole notion of asking about desire because there seems to be some shame in wanting things in asking for what you want and engaging in that kind of pleasure rooted Sunday all women have to deal with right like going after what you want and being saying at yes so so then when the first time that we were together in the hotel room it was the first time that desire completely took over and then i was not acting. I didn't even understand what sexless without active. Meaning that when i was happy. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna say this when i was having sex previously which didn't happen i would i would say to myself was okay this time supposed to be. This is the the noises. I'm supposed to be making this time was to be moving. This is what i should do. Or say or a okay. And then with abby an invite away i was to say this guy. I'm going to say this. W litters fantastic. And i've just forgotten that there's like a lot of other people listening but i think that since abbey was like the more experienced lesbian relationship meaning she had any experience. I think we both assumed that when we finally got together in that hotel room that she would be the like arm dog one taking over in. That was not the case. How awesome indicate surprising for you. Yes okay now you. I don't know the question was never had an issue. No i i never bought into the whole ademi's fairytale that women aren't supposed to go after a long always been of the mind that there's gonna be things that are going to be harder because i'm a woman but i sure as hell am hallways to go for what i want and then being in an environment like limitations team where you see extra about sexy. She's talking about the national noted down noted she's going to soccer. Yeah well you're around people and the world tells you you're alive you should us you. Should we just like whatever. We don't care if you're telling us we can't have what we want to go ahead and go build it in And so that's what we did and as it relates to snacks. Like i definitely that you took more of a leadership role in that way. I love it. It's weird we're going full circle here in so many ways But i also think that was important for you was a truth in reality that had to come away to make is situation that you're getting into more real than truer and beautiful because it was like i want you. I'm going to be led by my desire here and not let you take over you so interesting now. I love it. You are both six an extraordinary inspiration. Thank you so much for doing so much. Good in the world with your work for sharing your ideas about love and power and sex and thank you so much for joining me today on this. Very special episode of design matters for the new york state writers institute and the university of speaker series. Thank you desert sleeping. This was your beautiful. thank you. Thank you clinton..