Cocaine, Partner, Bernadette discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Now just because someone's emotionally stunted does not mean that they can't you know or that they don't appear confident initially you know so they can kind of come up with those good impression but mostly stunted at the end of the day. That's probably gonna come out in some way shape or form later on as you can see to be around that person as you continue to talk to them. Then these you're going to pick up on a lot of these cues and then You know so but one of the first things that a lot of times. They're gonna make everything about them which means that they're going to be egocentric so they talk about themselves More than they should. They're gonna probably talk about themselves more than they actually listening to you And so then being eagles century is you know that kinda goes throughout the whole relationship whenever someone is ego centric. Let's say if there's an argument they probably gonna wanna get the last word in and they're probably going to be selfish. They're probably not going to be very giving you know they're probably not going to be very vulnerable as different towns as well so but So being eagles injury. But that's part of being emotional sunday. I would also say that they probably lack accountability. So if you feel comfortable with yourself you're going to be able to give people permission to hold you accountable and the person who's emotionally stunted has difficulty with that accountability and i'm talking about not just minute women can have this as well but with men. Does it manifest a little bit differently. When there's accountability guy couples that come tamalpais and a lot times women will say. I feel like i'm raising. You know another child because my husband or my boyfriend or like they won't get off the the iran and do anything. Like i feel like i'm the person who's always pushing them. Who's always trying to motivate them. When they first talked they talked to the game. And they you know act like they had all this ambition and there's motivation and this initiative but when it came down to it they're not they're not accountable you know they're playing the victim role. Someone you know doing some mat. Work the not proactive. And so you know and they don't you know they just don't take a couple of billion in accountability no So that's someone who can be mostly sunny as well rolling to chat you know what no you're good you're good. I would even say that mostly sunny and many times. They'll actually be threatened by women who are strong and so again they can come out on a few different ways one time and one way they can try to control strong with it. You know Because if i can control her it makes me feel good about myself When someone is insecure many times you will see them Controlling and that is one way that they try to overcompensate for that insecurity. Because i don't feel good about myself. Sometimes i need to blow out other people's candle so i feel You know mind shines. Brighter may become controlling of my relationship. Because i see other people and they look like they threaten our relationship. I walk into a with my girl. And i've seen her. Is you know. go to some other men. And i'm probably going to be able to looking at what's wrong with you. You know some some wrong with. Is there something you're looking at the bar over there and it's like why are you controlling because that other guy all of a sudden it's threatening and she may not even stablishment may not have even established i contact with that guy but all you already on the lookout because you have this insecurity because you haven't necessarily dealt with but sometimes i have to say sometimes. I think that there are men and women both that do that intentionally to make the other person insecure like they're always on you know they're always looking else. You know what i'm talking about is you're a man. I don't know i've actually kind of done that to someone the burner. This sure. doug column what it is. I love so transparent about it on and you always had them a narcotic characteristics about myself in terms of being at least back in the day. You know my wife sir. Broke me of a lot of these characteristics. But if i were in a situation unless they didn't have the attention that i wanted and sometimes you can see this come out we call it in attachment disorders. That you know what. I will threaten to leave the relationship while may make a fuss on board. Probably going to make a stink. And i'll try to pull my love and affection away in order to make you come running you know and so and if you i'll say this And you can take this to the bank bernadette but in relationships the person who cares the least in a relationship typically has the most power and the power struggle though So so well. Here's the thing not not. Everybody actually understands knows that there has insight or i'll say they don't have awareness that they're in a power stroke for some people is just something that they naturally do for instance the big of an environment that was something that was natural and they just saw like the parents they would. They notice that they're you know they're friends. Did this or you know that people in their lives. You know engaged in this type of behavior. Then they may be in a power struggle and they may go into relationships thinking. This is normal. Because i tend to believe bernadette that contrast brings perspective everything is relative and so my first lady's life and he's another personal relationship but like it was an abusive relationship. You know and until. I got into another relationship. I didn't know what was normal. And so Oh she's not trying to cut me. Oh she's not trying to cut me out. Oh she's not trying to cry just to give me back and trying to manipulate me. Oh she's out. That stuff was normal. And i was like no. This person has a very chaotic. And you know it was normal to her. He's not normal to me and some people again they are there. They've normalized with the things that are abnormal. And so if you've always been in you know traumatic and chaotic relationships when you get into a stable relationship for some people yeah that relationships feels kinda born 'cause like this. This is not what i'm used to. You know so. When i say contracts brings perspective is like until you have something to compare it to a lot of times. You may think this is normal and with normally. You may not be maybe abnormal for everybody else so addicting that kind of drama and behavior Like actions like a cocaine addiction. I was reading an interesting article last week. In fact the next time you're on i'd love to talk about it It was a very interesting article. And i'm like yeah. I haven't thought about that but it really is. Someone can can actually feel like they've done cocaine. The high is so high. When you're on a it is a is an emotional high. Some people can become addicted to it. So you like some people with like an addictive personality. So whenever you fall in love is what we call being in a state of limerick where auburn their friend you know. Dopamine all the stuff slowing in saudi by the serotonin and so when that happens you get on. You have the mountaintop experience and some people they will go from relationship to relationship looking for that in love experience. I want that high. Or i wanna have us so they push the envelope. Do timothy partner. You know i wanna you know some people. You know exciting. Let's go have a parking lot where people can see as whatever they're looking for that high inside the relationship when they don't get it they make go through something else because i'm always looking for. I'm player focused pleasure oriented. yeah And so you. I was just gonna say and that's not that's not the best way to have a relationship stable now. We've only got about a minute. So i wanna ask you this question so we have a good takeaway for someone out there listening that maybe in this situation. How does someone effectively deal with an emotionally stunted man or person is it possible to reason with them. I would say Some ways well my counselor always depends when you need to work on your own self awareness to understand what you're dealing with because when you understand with someone is going through you understand yourself is going to be much easier to assess the situation to act accordingly so you need to communicate with your partner you need to also set some boundaries and you need to also follow through on what you say so If someone is wishy washy then you definitely want to be the person who is consistent. At times you may have to seek professional help To work on your self awareness and to work through your fears until you're insecurity and be willing to work on things within the relationship so qualified therapists And to to kinda help you work through some of this stuff but times people who are emotionally stunted they don't know what they don't know and so it's about increasing their awareness so once you have that awareness you've been do something about it and i say take a good long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself some questions. That's a great way to address it as well and You might not like yourself for a while. But i think everyone can grow and change and have a productive life if they just put the work in so none of us and that's for sure but always great can't wait to talk to you again Hopefully sooner rather than later. Von england You guys out there listening. You can find him at preston place. Counseling dot com or on instagram. At vaughn talks thanks again. We'll talk to you soon all right. Oh boy we've gone to break. We've got dave asprey coming up. Everyone we're talking about his new book. That has not been released yet. A fast this way. I was privileged to a copy of it. It's amazing stay tuned. you're gonna love it. you're listening to one life radio.

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