Prioritizing Your Marriage as Adoptive Parents
I want us to talk a little bit about what. I'd like you to talk a little bit about the challenges that you see more specifically with adoptive and foster families in their marriages. So what is interesting and i think about our journey is we actually got repair connected to the replanted community while we were waiting for our son to come home. We got to sit with other families who were having some conflict in marriage and family because of adoption before we were ever there and to sit with couples Was really hard because so much of it was related to behavioral things in their children. We've also found a lot in the adoption community. Sometimes one person may be on board to foster and adopt and they have drugs. Someone else drug a partner along and so that can create some conflict. And so i mean. I think you know even if you're listening and you're thinking about this too have friel conversation about. Are we actually on the same page. Are we actually ready to change the trajectory of our family in our life by bringing kiddos hard places into our home. But then it's like okay. We've if you're already there and made that choice like what's next. And so we actually had the opportunity to become an empowered to connect parent trainers. We joke but are pretty serious about to help. Parents navigate kiddos behavior so that that's one less stress marriage Because marriage stressful as you said to people coming together you add kiddos to the mix and then you add kudos from places to the mix and it's just more layers and so within acknowledging like the first step is acknowledging this is really challenging and it's okay that we're not all rainbows and sunshine at our house and that that's okay. We're not bad. Parents were not bad partners. We may just need some extra support or tools in our marriage and our parenting to make things function better. It's crazy. I mean i just think like all the i was just thinking about all the dudes out there because i think with the foster and adoptive community. It's mostly women sort of like pushing things down the road which i find Which is hard for me. Because i you know the guys are such an important part of this too and i think it saddens me but it's amazing. How many guys like we talked about where parent trainers how many guys are not on board with trauma informed. Parenting and like. We have to have a lot of really confrontational conversations with people about being like. Because if you're you have kids from hard places to centers in a marriage already and you're not on the same page as far as parenting goes like you do not stand a chance at at making it. A that is a lot of of obstacles to having a a happy relationship. Not only with your spouse with your children as well so right and you maybe the keep your marriage together but it may not really be the marriage you want right. Yeah you're still married but is it what you want. You know the way you want it to be so before we move into some practical ideas for parents. What are there any other challenges. You think parents face. I think not dealing with your own stuff is part of the challenge. I think people rarely consider that even like going through infertility as as a couple is very difficult. And i would say my wife being a therapist and all that anybody who's journeyed through that probably needs to do therapy To sort of process that trauma. I mean that's a that's a struggle for you. And i feel like you know when you have when you have your own stuff that is undoubtedly with when you have your kids who have trauma. That's you know you're working through. And then you add a a marriage and family on top of all that it. Just it stresses that that stuff that you haven't dealt with like even harder than it does like a you know a family that doesn't have kids from hard places in it and so i think that's a major challenge that people don't necessarily address like in parenting and in marriage if you haven't dealt with your stuff if you haven't processed your own traumas and we all have stuff you know then then it. It makes it a lot harder and it just it. Yeah those stressors. Just keep piling up.