"Engaged with children who had been referred to me by teachers principal staff and if they needed than I thought further counseling. I could then do a referral to our our staff our therapist so I'd sit these kids in gangs would come up. That just happened in my life. It happened in my life and having my life sexual abuse whatever it was the the physical abuse and again. I did very similar to you like well. That's an have anything to do with me. But yet I was experiencing during that whole time often on sagir panic attacks ever attributing leading it to my trauma history until I finally ended up in therapy. Em Dr then. That shifted shifted everything. But yeah it was just I just found it fascinating when you were talking that I saw had that experience. And I think it's interesting about triggers Reich right. 'cause that's essentially what's happening to you right. You're getting those stories of trauma triggering own trauma. And then you're dealing with that. And I think that's one of the interesting thing I about recalls. Truly embedding embody network is that most of us don't realize that we are walking around all the time regardless of your background. You didn't have to be physically or sexually abused but most are acting what I call is trauma brain. Our Survival Bray. Yeah you just you like your buttons are be hush right whether whether you're in traffic and somebody cuts you off and it just makes you watch to explode. So what does that really about like most of us don't take time. Hi to examine it right because it's just so easy to blame the person who has cut us off traffic but at the same token we all know that we ourselves have cut somebody off in traffic and slow point or another right like if we logically talk about it most of us would admit that yes. There's a time where we haven't been maintained at Sion should where intentionally or unintentionally cuts buddy off etcetera. When we say that it's like why does it they will? We're not taking my safety yet. So account or it's just respectful will. Why did you cut an none of those things? You are China mind. You just act like you're just sitting in bed thinking I'm going to cut off the First Dodge Caravan. I see today like right. But it's the idea how we personally personally do it and went on with with clients and I say so. What is that about like? Why does that make you so bad and it could be anything right? Traffic is just the ninth day. We can all generally relate you but it's like whatever crushes your audience is never about the person you'd think it has to did you do with that trigger you and you turn into survival when that happens the nails on the four right whatever that is in so most of us don't do that internal work to figure out what is act and then we're in the survival brain and then of course we walk into a store in. We're we're short ridges on because we're still survival brandon. We don't see how that the transfers to the next person and becomes contagious in South Carolina might which were hearing a ton about that new buzz word in wellness is really about. Are you doing the internal. He's yourself yes so you been those little things that you tolerate or put up with. Do you do network to examine those now. Some of US have their to do as well like we. We have to figure that out and we have to talk about our sexual abuse physical abuse emotional abuse and neglect the dysfunction that happened within our household but but but we all have a piece of work to do and I always say I started doing this work selfishly because if I get everyone else to do their work. It's so much easier for me right now. If everyone else has got their stuff under control it is much easier to do yours. But if everybody's fast ask its way easy to focus on their yours in so I always say this word for me as completely selfish so I can actually do by work it because I think that's the thing it's like. How do we feel that space? So people are triggered because when you're chartered you're not doing your work for the rest of those kids right. Yeah where the other people that you serve. I would say ninety percent of our time and our own trauma break just survived. Yes but I think once we become aware of it than its ships because I know personally that shifted for me completely in the fact that I would notice this if I was agitated someone sitting at the green light with their head down obviously texting and I used to be like home. Go now I'll say to myself you know. Give them a few seconds because abby. It's a text from a sibling say MOMS in the hospital. Maybe it's a you know. Obviously they should not be texting and driving but I also realized. Okay hold up a second. This is this is not about me then right like what's happening for that that this person who cuts me off a traffic like what. If they're gonNA maybe late lose their job if they don't get there is twenty seconds really right like we not for the life reduc situation right now and so instead instead of going into my own survival break actually hurt Rhonda Byrne say one time. It's like a pack of wild horses right like you can jump on indeed going crazy with a awhile horses but you can also choose to look like it so restricts not to get on really it's is just not on for be to go on crazy everyone's out to get the Feeling which is how I a good portion thirty years of is my life feeling that everyone was after be right and I needed to protect yourself than survivor is all these people who are just trying to cause the Har Asia and when I was finally able to say wait a second. What is really going on here? That's what he only really began. Yeah that's beautiful another thing that I wanted to go back to let you speak on. It is when you talk about how. How did I make it through this when you started your research and saw the vast numbers in in so many ending up in car serrated or homelessness addiction? Listen in my sister and I again. We've talked about this in said it was it and we finally came down to grandma Giddy our grandmother and her presence presence and then resilient stuff started coming to the surface and so I'm just curious if that's what you came down with your book that you had some sort of resilience built into your life so I actually look at that for a really long time. It wasn't so easy for me to point. That singular or son in so I actually in my background is an interdisciplinary social science. which basically says I WANNA know why people do crazy things right so I am I? I bet science curiosity about. Why don't you do that of all things in so I sort of started down a research thing trying to solve my own mystery? Because I didn't have the grandma Kennedy right so I was people kept asking me. What what was it for you and I was like? I don't know you know what the draw like in on a new walk wasn't a great answer so I started on the research in. I actually stumbled on some research that was done at Harvard. At the center of the Developing Child on Brasilia in there were was amazing astounding and basically what they said is. There's three things we can pinpoint people. Don't need all three of these things. They don't need them for the whole lane of the time that they're going through their dysfunction or traumatic or and for six months but but if they have at a conservative help them bounce back writes this idea of grit or is to call the big girl panties right like whatever pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I mean I've heard it called like a trillion in. We're all saying like how come some people like a training or mine used to say. How do we create more dandelions at less orchids right like an orchid is so delicate has to care for like any one little thing? Mike Mike make it right alive malm over with the line just our backup right. So how do we make more dandelions less. Orchids was always earthy and so the people are Howard. Said you know there's really three. In of course America we have a study that tells us there's three ways but we only focus on the first thing even told us all three things matter and the first thing is a positive stable relationships which I think is what you would your sister point you with grandma right yes they specifically told us about that is that it can be short time relationships Time didn't necessarily matter. It was more. Did it come exactly when it needed to come in. Did that person be fully present with you during that time A connection faith or spirituality is another and thirdly the ability of master a skill of some sort in the the skill is less than or mummy idea actually mastery of the because what we know. Is this if you're traveling. You're really that Rep Chilean part of your brain. The survival mode by played freeze and when you're getting impacting to become really good at something that pulls you up. JAGS Functioning in the idea of getting out of of survival brain into executive functioning begins to make you function differently right so all three of those things I can point to in my life Eh. Different Times right so I had some really important features in my life A gentleman six grade classroom. I was only in for about two a week's himself. You're really amazing at that. You're GONNA do something. Really Amazing advice is a first time as a sixth grader. Someone had ever even said that to yeah and it was that statement that ultimately saved my life when I tried to chip suicide as a freshman in college right but the he didn't know that when he made those comments he didn't know he was being positive able adult Just sharing audie at But I can point to that as a relationship I had another teacher with a similar experience. Reading was a really big thing for me when I was a kid. It was wait for me to escape. From my childhood I could fantasize my way into a book. It'd be living in life in my household. It was also very quiet activity which was taken. You know you weren't allowed to make any noise by household influence a very quiet remote thing and so developing back skill oh I think With something that seeks me more than once so I think there's a lot of ways we can help people heal what I see for. People who aren't feeling is that they have no connection right because what all three of those things have in my mind is relationship a core. You know someone wanted to teach you how to do something someone allowed. You gave you time to become connected as a mentor as a friend as the grandparent aunt as Whoever right as a neighbor someone church all of these are really about relationships in our our idea of being connected in? I think we know that isolation is the biggest killer among us in the more someone feels isolated harder for them to heal in move forward. Yes so mary trillion. What part did my head was? I ran into a soccer coach. Kroger Grocery store a few months ago and I just threw my arms around her and hunters in in later or daughter. I was telling her daughter what or who I still know through facebook and said Oh my gosh I ran into your mom and Kroger two hundred. She said I know my mom told me. She's not a hugger but she was so happy you her and it was because she she didn't she impacted my leg. She doesn't know that the thing that we sometimes don't accept responsibility. Louis four as just a citizen on this planet is that we have the opportunity to impact. Somebody's life beyond measure in not knowing snowing. It now there are certain people who like they are trying to create a pack right they become social workers or doctors nurses or police officers. Whatever it is with with the idea like I want to help right like developers in the World Right Jersey all of these people and I say all the time? Those people are great in amazing. And I don't even know if they realize that sometimes people you're going to help the people you come across the university store the people that you come across when you you call eight hundred number."