A highlight from S17E5: Should you stay or should you go?

Dateable Podcast


Hi, I'm Yui Xu and I'm Julie Krafcik. We're active daters turned dating sociologists here to dive into everything modern dating and relationships. Welcome to the dateable podcast. Welcome back, friends. We are you and Julie back for more of love radio on a one point five FM. People are like, am I in the right place right now? That was a good sexy radio voice there. Here to answer all of your love questions. Is this what you do at night at practice? How do you know? Have a side gig? You know, that's what I did. I used to listen to a lot of late night radio in high school because that was kind of our podcast back in the day. Yeah, I was like, does this actually exist? OK, so this is a story I won't like out our friend. This is a mutual friend of ours. I don't think you know the story. She wrote it to Dr. Drew. This is what she was dating her husband at the beginning. And she was unsure about was he ambitious enough? Was he a career driven enough? And she called in the late night radio. They put her on air and heard it. And they were just like, shut the fuck up. Like this guy treats you great. Just get over it. And it helped her move forward. Look, I know she's married to him, so it worked out good for Dr. Drew. I used to give shout outs to boys. I had crushes on on the radio. Did you ever do that? No. I'd be like, is there someone you want to give a shout out to? Dial 1 -800 -da -da -da -da -da -da. So I did that. I remember doing that. There was a guy named Bradley. I was so madly in love with him. And I used to give him shout outs all the time. He didn't even go to my school. I don't even know if he knew my name. I'd be like, this message is for Bradley. This is UA. I just want to say I really love you from afar. And if you get this message on air, give me a call. And I would give my phone number and the radio station would be like, beep, beep, beep, beep. Like, little girl, please do not give out your number in public. That's amazing. Did I tell you I used to work at a radio station back in the day? What? Look at that foreshadowing. I was at the promotions department. I wasn't actually on the on air team at all. But yeah, I guess there was something there. All that to set you up to talk about this very deep topic today. Oh, yes, it's a good one. We're just doing another one of those episodes where it's just Julie and I to discuss a topic that we have such a strong interest in. So you'll hear our voices on this episode. Yes. You know, this is a topic that we feel very, very strongly about. But we did a call out in our Facebook group of what type of topics are you interested in for this upcoming season? And someone put this down and we're like, this is a good topic. Like, what is the line of when you should stay and try to, like, make something work versus leave and go? This topic is such a popular one because we are told such contradictory messages about relationships. On one hand, you're told relationships are hard. You got to work at them. And on the other hand, we're told when you're with the right person, things should be easy and you shouldn't have to work too hard in the relationship. But once you're in a relationship and you feel like you're really trying hard to make it work, what is that point of saying I've tried hard enough? I've tried my very best. I've tried everything and it hasn't worked. Yeah. So it's time to get out. Or is it the point of like, we could try harder? This applies to when you're in like the committed, full on relationship. And I think it even extends earlier. We hear of people all the time being like, oh, I went on one or two dates, should I go out with them again? You never know. Like, when is that inflection point that you should give something more of a chance versus cut your loss and try to meet other people? And I think the other piece of this is so often there's a camp that doesn't try hard enough, right, when things get tough in a relationship or when, you know, maybe it's not fireworks or the spark at first sight, but then on the flip side, I've been here before. I don't know about you, UA, but like when you overstay and you know, something's not working yet, you just continue to try to make it work. And we see this all the time, especially like when people are in situationships, it's like, oh, if they only see how good of a partner I can be, I'm going to just keep trying to like make them see what they could be missing out on instead of just being like, this person doesn't want the same thing as me. I'm going to move on. How many times have you talked to someone who've been in a long term relationship and you ask them how long it was, and they always say two years too long or one year too long or should have ended at the second year. And I would argue that there is no overstaying in a relationship. I feel like the overstaying years are the trying years. You're just trying, right? We only think we overstayed in hindsight, but when you're in the relationship, I get it, like you really just want to try your very best. So as we go into this conversation, maybe we can just get that out of our heads. It's like, you're not overstaying. You're just trying to work through the entire process. I agree with you in most scenarios, but I do think there are some when like you're clearly not on the same page and some of it's in fantasy worlds. And I've been there before and I'm saying this from someone that's been there. Like when someone's clearly not telling you, like they don't want a serious relationship, I've stayed to try to make something work where it's just an uphill battle. And I think we also need to recognize those situations, too, because, yes, if two people are fully in it trying to make it work, I agree with you. But a lot of times that's not the case. And it's like we have selective vision of what we want to see is happening. I wonder about that sometimes, right? Because our conversation today will be about your voluntary decision to leave a relationship. When should you leave and when should you stay? But in some situations, like in your previous relationship, you almost need something to happen or realize something for you to want to make that change. Yeah. And I have a friend currently in this situation. She just cannot see, although everybody around her sees that this relationship cannot last. I almost feel like she needs something externally to happen for her to like really see this clearly. Well, we're going to go through it today. We're excited to dig in very deep, because as you could already see, there's a lot of different scenarios. This is a very wide topic, but we're going to go there. But before we do, let's hear a message from our sponsors. 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