For the purposes of maintaining their confidentiality names and some identifiable characteristics have been removed but their your voices and their stories are real a couple four a romantic revival. I became an instant parent when I got married. Four to two loss. Birth months to suicide My first wife took her life on Saint Patrick's Day a twenty one year later we met and And we've been picking up the pieces. This next couple has confronted death in their midst for the past six years disadvant- has been at the center of their family life over the now six years that I've been in their lives not survival mode. It has been the most hurt wrecking profound experience of weather my entire life. I they are now ready to live again. As a New Year's resolution the couple apple chose a word for themselves an espionage revive and I have a sense that Dick. She came to work with me so that together. They can transition from not dead to alive and from survival to revival this is where should we begin with Alistair Brown. She's not like anyone I've ever met. Which is why I knew I needed to get a ring pretty quick? I thought if I don't someone else's can sweep her off her feet when you say she's not like anyone you've ever meant well the depth the types the things that she that stir her her heart and her soul. It's refreshing. That's what drew me. Tour was her ability to go there to take you to take me there. It's caused some friction along the way because it's tough to learn when you haven't grown you to it doesn't come natural to you to me right. And so there's there's been times where she has talked about wanting to connect deeper or go deeper and I'm thinking we already are. This is suspect more connected than I've ever been before And so in that sense there's some difficulties. What other important part of your lives? Do I need to know who I guess. One of the reasons. We've come is the the long arduous journey after a suicide and the impact that that's had on me and on the kids he's been gone a lot through the years with the military just knowing that I've missed a lot of things and Hamilton family histories is an interesting one Mom and dad divorced when I was two years old and they both got remarried and had kids and so I kind of bounced between the two. The two families and my stepmother was not particularly wonderful. Stepmother have Was Not a very nurturing person. And the understatement. Yes she she was. She wasn't a good person. You know She was very manipulative. She was verbally abusive and a couple times physically and then after they divorced. My Dad a had custody of me instead of my mom. So come The simple terms that I was told that I went with my dad was because she he wasn't ready to settle down and he was. There's a lot that's probably buried in that statement and and I haven't really wanted to know the why theme of children that are abandoned by their mother. uh-huh runs through generations fair Nice we have saying she wasn't ready to settle. Now you were and children you think were abandoned by their mother. Oh sure when she then by suicide absolutely. How do you think your experience with your mom translates leads into what goes on between you and your kids? vis-a-vis them I don't know that there was was a deep attachment with my mom. I might have got that up until the age of two but I don't remember that and then the stories I've heard with my step mom as as a three year old when she came into my life. My Aunt said she remembers seeing me. Try to crawl up and my stepmother's lap and you know pushing me away and so I had that being pushed away from her and then my mom just wasn't there for the first I know from age two to six probably so there's a gap there That I don't really remember much time with her. And we have two kinds of memory. We have explicit memory and implicit memory and explicit memories kind of conscious awareness of Thaksin but implicit awareness and implicit memory. Lives in our body and the body remembers the value remembers particularly when you try to get close to your wife. You connect those dots. You probably have. It's so clear. Same say more. I think that's the root of a lot is what happened with his mom and step mum the root of a lot of what disconnection between us for a while. I thought it was what happened. Happened with his former wife. But then the more I learned was kind of a like. Oh this isn't it just continued eared through her. He couldn't trust his own mother but the mother figure in his his stepmother so he built up a wall law. And I'm not going to trust or or be confident in pursuit of me Secure knowing that it's not gonNA be a rejection. I think sometimes I I struggle with coming in to the level of connection that she's she's desiring not out of fear but simply out of not down on what you're talking about. It's almost like speaking a different language. Have a a good example. If I'm upset to me the natural sponges come in and hug me like comfort me or and it's he just stands Alexa me stairs. Feels like where I want connection. There's no movement you freeze. I do freezing reason those situations but It's not a fear it's not feeling that's what freezing okay. ohka tracking the brain's response to trauma. We are often familiar with fight and flight. But we also have freeze and sometimes it seems to me that a freeze points to an even more overwhelming set of experiences winces that way just simply too much to absorb and left the person frozen helpless and in a state of terror