Liar, Liar Pants on Fire! Telling the Truth About Compulsive, Pathological and White Lies
But then people who don't have that structure set up young then and they may be have that that genetic predisposition. Then you take that combination and you have people that have personality disorders and people with personality disorders. Don't feel like they're doing anything that goes against their sense of self. They can't step outside of their own ego. Which means that that lying just becomes reflexive. And that's the work that i do when i worked with people that don't have personality disorders. Let's say in couples therapy and they are given information or data. Learn how to be but that it can vulnerable and they learn these new tools and skills and go on to live happily ever after but then there is a certain subset in my office. That things just don't quite play out that way and typically at somebody that has grown up not knowing how to own their own part of the the negative parts of a conversation or relationship. And that's what results in this. This just impulsive in that moment this impulsive lying and then over time that can turn into compulsive lying compulsive being more premeditated impulsive being in the moment and so those two things that have become someone's norm their default settings their factory settings then they just have become very very adept and good at lying and they often find themselves in situations where they are around people who have not necessarily light as much growing up and so they are more trusting in you. Put them more trusting person with someone who has been just lying reflexively for most of their life and that is a pretty potent combo and it makes it very difficult for the Nice person to detect the person who is more of this compulsive impulsive pathological liar. Hey this is not an ad. I had to actually go back and find this part of the podcast because i really thought this was a place. Where if you are identifying with what. I just talked about. I did just want to make you aware that i have started a group for women who have been through relationships with narcissistic men or men who have struggle with narcissistic tendencies. Or if they're in in a relationship like that right now and really struggling with their sense of self or just how to make sense of conversations or when they do feel like they've been guessed that sort of thing if you are interested in that drop me an email contact that tony overpay dot com and i can you more information about that all right. Let's get back to the show. So he said how to really detect liars He says don't abandon all hope yet. There are some fairly effective ways to detect liars. And i really liked. This is where. I like where he comes from it from a different angle. He said the trick is to abstain from useless attempts to read body language. Or facial cues. We have to look for something else. Something more dependable. We have to search for real evidence in the trick is it turns out he says is to listen and pay attention. Lying is nothing more than communicating. False information listen to the information. Does it make sense. Does it align with the other information that we already have and if not be time to move onto the next stage of lie detection. Which he says is probing. If somebody's story sounds a little off. You can ask questions test. The story does a stand up. The scrutiny are the answers of base of does a story beginning to shift as it was constructed on a foundation of quicksand. These are more valid clues or cues that the story might be ally and then he goes on to say the last episode verify if the story involves claims about who we are and win then they can often be corroborated. If if a lover says they were a family event family members should really be able to readily verify the alibi and if an employee claims to have been hospitalized they should be able to easily support documentation and the last key is to ask the person to come clean. Surprisingly when many liars are politely and sympathetically asked to tell the truth they will comply an offer their confession and he goes on to talk about one study that examined how people actually caught liars and their day to day lives and it turned out that only about two percent of the people said that their verbal or nonverbal cues help them root out the liars instead. They most frequently reported methods that where they were tracking down information from third parties alibi. That doesn't come through physical evidence receipts phone records credit card bills and solicited confessions so he ends his article by saying. How do you really detect liars. Stop searching for useless cues such as body language and start paying attention to what is being said like a detective investigate the claims see if they actually aligned with the evidence in this world. Now the reason. I feel like i'm kind of rushing through. That is my four pillars of a connected conversation that i've been talking about in previous episodes and when i've been being interviewed by other people that this does depend a little bit on your context in where you having these conversations. And what is the goal. If you are designed you're desiring to have a connected conversation with someone then. There is a framework. There's a way to do this. Effectively in my four pillars of connected conversation. I do say that you need to start by assuming good intentions that even if someone is is lying in front of you that that is not something that they woke up and thought i know how i can hurt my spouse is that i will tell a lie but most likely that lying comes from some deep unmet need or some behavioral pattern that has been occurring over the years or their own deep insecurities but the challenge be that concept of. What's calling them out on it that that doesn't work. Here comes the world of psychological. React of telling someone that. Hey i know you're lying. I got all this data that backs it up that is typically not going to be met with someone just someone who is who has had a pattern of lying maybe throughout their lives. That is not going to be the aha moment where they say. Oh my gosh you're right. I've been lying this whole time about everything and now come clean so in four pillars of connected conversation. I talk about zooming. Good intentions pillar one pillar to is. You actually can't put out that message of just flat out saying you're lying so that leads to pillar number three which is questions for comments. And i liked it. I think combining my four pillars of a connected conversation with christian hearts article where that leads to hate. Tell me more. Tell me more about where you were.