How I Lived My Double Life

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

I WanNa talk about my former double life before I quit drinking. My double life consisted of two parts. One was the part that consumed alcohol in the other was the part that was spent recovering from alcohol. And making sure it looked like. I didn't have a drinking problem because this show appeals to so many gray area drinkers. Who Don't have a stereotypical rock bottom. I I know I speak for most listeners. When I say that you get what I'm talking about when I mentioned this double life so we're going to go back to the fall of twenty sixteen right before I quit. Drinking and the typical weekday would consist of me waking up around seven o'clock wildly hung over full of shame and full of guilt and hatred for myself. I usually woke up around three a m each night in a state of sheer panic and then would toss and turn for the rest of the night getting really bad sleep so by seven. I'm Hungover sleep-deprived and dehydrated. I would look in the mirror and feel so disappointed in how I couldn't have stopped it. Just a few drinks the night before. I would then chug water and coffee and drink whatever. My hangover cure was that week. Green juice a Kombucha or some sort of spicy shot. If something unhealthy that costs like thirteen dollars thinking that that might reverse the damage from the night before and after I was awake and a little less dehydrated usually go meet with my trainer and workout. Every minute would be brutal but I needed it because it helped me sweat out the rest of the booze from the night before if it was one of those days where. I just didn't have it in me to work out. I would ask my trainer if we could just go for a walk instead and sometimes if I was still a little drunk from the night before I'd put vodka my water bottle to either help the oncoming hangover or. Continue the buzz throughout the rest of the day now. This was a time when I was running a business with a fulltime staff so I was only working about twenty maybe twenty five hours a week and I answer emails. Do Busy Work. Take phone calls with my partner. Put out small fires at work. Make an appearance. And basically just try to balance shaking off last night's hangover and obsessing over when I could drink next and sometimes I would just be anxious all day. You know planning how I could try and get through the day without drinking but usually there would be a lot more days of planning drinking if I didn't have any more booze in the house. I had to routines was either run to whichever liquor store was next on my list of stores that I'd alternate between because I didn't want to go into one store too often and look like an alcoholic so I'd go pick up my vodka and make small talk with the cashier and make jokes and pretend to be interested in their day because surely someone who stops and talks to a stranger and his polite and makes them laugh. Can't be an alcoholic right or if I wanted wine or if I was in a phase of swearing off liquor like setting those rules for myself. At that time. I'd go to the grocery store and I buy a bottle of wine and a bunch of expensive snacks and cheeses. That made it feel like more of a treat. You know less of a necessity. I'd just one bottle is a form of restriction thinking that if I only had the one bottle in the house then that would stop me at four glasses of wine and expensive cheeses. Were there both as a snack that I could bend John. Wall drunk and also because if the cashier saw this spread that hey they wouldn't think I was an alcoholic. Maybe they think I was just having friends over throughout my day of busy work and counting down to when I could drink again. I'd be down. Rolaids my incessant heartburn. I couldn't drink enough water and without going into too much detail. I'll just say that my gut health was absolute garbage because alcohol eats away your stomach lining so the time I spent in the bathroom doing bathroom. Things was usually something that had to be planned around especially first thing in the morning. Usually I'd have a really heavy lunch to help my hangover and about half the time it would involve a glass of wine or a beer. It is tacos. I figured if I was going out for lunch and having white wine during the day that that was just European. You know alcoholics. Don't drink twelve dollar glasses of greasy outright. I was obsessed with finishing my day by like four or five. Pm A hard stop because that was the time to start drinking again. And I knew that I would be unreliable. Once I started I also slurred my speech when I drink so I didn't like to answer the phone after five because I didn't want anyone to know I was drunk. Once I started drinking which was usually at home alone I would do things. It felt productive while I drink because productive. People can't be alcoholics right and deep clean my house vacuum or I'd send a text to a friend and just say hi and make sure I was making an appearance because alcoholics drink alone and they don't reach out to friends right or I'd makes playlist on spotify of my favorite sad songs and sit for hours listening and obsessing over my past. Usually I take a hot bubble bath and drink in the bathtub. Sometimes I'd watch TV and that would go in two directions either madman or sex in the city so a show that may drinking look fabulous and I'd drink along with it. Thinking see their drinking their faces off to. This is fabulous. It's been a problem or I'd watch intervention or celebrity rehab or something like that and think see. Their problems are so much worse than mind. They're homeless and in jail. My drinking isn't that

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