How To Get Unstuck

The Virtual Couch


I'm i'm really excited to talk about the topic. We're talking about today of just being stuck. I'm going to be referring to a book that never referred to it steven hayes book. Get out of your mind and into your life. It is an acceptance and commitment therapy book and this is one of those feel like it's just one of the fundamentals of the virtual couch where i can just rip a little bit on the concepts around acceptance and commitment therapy and i think it's going to speak to a lot of people because i insert twenty twenty joke here or hard situation here but we a lot of people are coming out of a time where they feel a little bit stuck and man. I'm doing a lot of research around a podcast that i want to release so bad. I interviewed my wonderful friend. Dr laura sparrow months and months ago because she had an amazing article about covert and conspiracy theories and i recorded it and then then it kind of world got weird and wonky and i never ran the episode. But i have it. I've been editing. It and she just makes so much sense around why we will find ourselves turning to things like conspiracy theories when we never had before and it really is around the sometimes feeling stuck the the brain likes patterns. The brain likes knowing. The brain doesn't like uncertainty. It doesn't like ambiguity. And his doctor sparrow pointed out and i will release this episode. But i want it to be so good that i find myself over researching this one in particular but in talking about the way that the brain works and liking these patterns and doesn't like uncertainty. Your brain will kind of turn toward what's called a cognitive bias. Which means you're going to try to find something that makes a little bit of sense to you. Something that's in your wheelhouse and then once you're within that cognitive bias then you then your brain really wants to be certain of itself so it does the old confirmation biased thing where it starts looking for any bit of data to back itself up. I did a episode on confirmation bias a long time ago. I think it was called. Why are there so many tesla's and it was once somebody. One of my clients had talked about wanting tesla all of a sudden. I just felt like everywhere i looked. There was a tesla nation by rank. And do the same thing with thoughts and ideas that sort of thing but once you think something all the sudden you see it everywhere. I've been i've worked in my abandonment and attachment Things into about three or four of my last few episodes. Because it's something that i just feel passionate about and now i find these abandoned an attachment things from childhood everywhere i look. I'll probably work that into the episode today but but acceptance and commitment therapy really is it's the fundamentals of therapy here on the virtual couch and i have seen a lot of people that feel stuck in so i have. I haven't talked about this book before. And i really like it so the chapter that. I'm going to start with his doctor. Hayes talks about the concept of human suffering as universal summit. Read fairmount today giving him all the credit. And then i will give my commentary as as i love to do on the virtual couch so dr. Hey says it often. Many people we meet in our daily life seemed to have it all. They seem happy. They look satisfied with their lives. You probably had that experience of walking down the street when you're having a particularly bad day and you look around and you thought why can't it just be happy like everybody else around me. They don't suffer from chronic panic or depression or substance abuse problem. They probably don't feel as if a dark cloud is always looming over their heads. They probably don't suffer the way i suffer. Why can't i be like them. And get to hear this all the time every day in therapy and i go through it myself as well and dr. Hey says here's the secret they do and you are meaning they do suffer the way you suffer and you are more like them than you think he talks about that. We all have paid all human beings if they live long enough felt or will feel the devastation of losing. Somebody they loved. Every single person has felt will feel physical pain. Everybody has felt sadness. Every felt shame or anxiety fear and loss and we all have these memories. That are embarrassing or humiliating or their shameful and we all carry these painful hidden secrets and we tend to put on the shiny happy faces pretending that everything is okay and that life is all good. As a matter of fact. And i'm not gonna pull the old man get off my lawn on the porch moment here although yes i kind of am and then we have social media which has some amazing things in social media but we also typically put out the. Everything's all good. This is how you do it. This is how easy it is. You just you're happy. Just be happy and and beautiful and well well lit nice filters and then it just looks amazing but people everybody else's kind of not everybody there's an all or nothing statement but many of us are saying they they look like they've got it all figured out it's pretty easy but but it isn't it isn't they can't always be easy or it can't always everything can't always be all good to be human. Is the feel pain in ways that are orders of magnitude more pervasive than what the other creatures on the planet earth feel Dr hey says if you if you kick a dog it'll yelping run away if you kick it regularly. Any sign of your rival eventually will produce fear and avoidance behavior in the dog by means of the process called conditioning. But so long as you are out of the pitcher and are not likely to arrive. Dog is unlikely to feel or show significant anxiety. People however are quite different. He said as young as sixteen months or even earlier human infants learned that if an object has a name the name refers to that object so relations that verbal humans learn in one direction. They derive in two directions so over the past twenty five years. Researchers have tried to demonstrate that same behavior another animal species with very limited in questionable success so far so this makes a huge difference in the lives of people That the lives of people live as compared to animals. He says that the capacity for language put human beings in a special position. Simply saying a word invokes the object that it's named and he says tried out umbrella. You know when you think about when you read that word callan's pretty harmless but consider what this means if the named object was fearful anything that reminded. The person of its name would invoke fear. It would be as if all the dog needed to feel. Fear is not an actual kick but the thought of being kicked. So you see where we're going here that that relationship with words we're one of the only animal on the planet that does that. So that's exactly the situation that you're in and this is exactly the situation that all humans in with language. So here's an example doctorate said take a moment now to think of the most shameful thing that you've ever done and he encourages really take a moment and actually do this. You can pause if you want to but so if you give that thought what did you just feel. He said it's very likely as soon as you read the sentence you felt some sense of either fear or resistance

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