How Much Sex is Psychologically Healthy?
Steve. Welcome to the show. Hi Dave it's to be with you today Steve. I want to say that I absolutely love your bio. I think it's important to just own things and I like that. You had a seriously messed up childhood because in many ways I feel like I had a seriously messed up childhood and I believe a lot of our listeners are looking back on their childhood and their feeling the same way and you know sometimes our guests. They really want to tout their professional accolades. But they don't want to tout their human experiences so first off Kudos to you for your honesty. Oh thanks I just think that for me. Such a huge part of my motivation to help people. Because I know what it feels like to be those uncomfortable family situations it makes perfect sense to me and that vulnerability. I think is really important giving that you're subject matter it sexuality because people are often embarrassed to discuss sex and sexuality anyway. Now let's talk about your Ted ex. Talk the magic sex number. What is that all about? Basically the idea is that we all have specific needs that we're pretty much hard wired to have and that they aren't subject to Moral Suasion or to personal appeal. Like for example. The number of hours sleep. You need to feel refreshed and also the number of calories. Unique per day to feel satiated. We don't really talk about sex that way but everyone I've ever interviewed and I mean thousands of people had enhancer to that question. Ideally if you could be in your perfect relationship there was perfect in every way. How often in dealey would you like to have sex? And some people respond with the number one end of the continuum and other people respond with a very different number and then represents the range of humanity. We're all normal and we're all different so we just don't talk about very much. We sort of presume I think in an EGO centric way that when we fall in love with somebody they will want US pretty much exactly the way we want the frequency. We want them and that just isn't true because of the range from one person turnover can be quite serious when I think about a magic sex number. The first thing that I think is how am I supposed to figure mine out? Yeah that's that is really tricky and it's actually trickier than I even thought it might be. Because there's a lot of cultural and moral interference with getting an accurate assessment. If people have an idea that there's a right number and that number is way too low way too high. They tend to Skew their number two. What they think is more acceptable more normal and in the same way. A lot of people are preset to self deception because they end up coming up with a number that mentally is actually the number of they'd be willing to settle for and that's a very different numbers on the number that they ideally would like to have so for me. The question is one of sustainability. If we're serious about getting all of our sexual needs met in one monogamous relationship then we need to make sure that that sexual relationship is at least a fighting. Chance of being sustainable. And if we don't do that we really haven't done our due diligence. One of the things that I'm thinking about is when it comes right down to it. How important is our magic sex number because it sort of sounds like you're making sex the end all be all of a successful relationship? Aren't there other things more important like compatibility and values so how important is a magic sex number? It's a little bit like arguing though. Which organ is more important the heart or the kidneys because the truth is we need all work together for us to survive and have a happy life and then same way if I have the perfect relationship? Perfect in every way but there is a significant problem there could be something like in my mate decides to engage in compulsive gambling. That alone could destroy in otherwise good relationship so I'm talking about sex most about us. We don't talk about it too much but we have an idea in the back of our mind of what our future sex life would be like. But we don't imagine something like what happened to one of my clients and his wife came up to him after seven years of marriage and they had two children by that time. There were a couple in their thirties and she announced that she would not be having sex with him anymore and he was shocked. And I didn't know what to do about this. And for the next forty years they did not have sex and ended up disastrously for both of them but he never ever thought that he would be in that sort of situation and most of us don't but we don't think true like well what would I do. And what are my sexual needs because if we think about managing our sexuality intelligently and we have an idea of our magic sex number you know for some people. It'd be three times a week for some people. It will be once a week or whatever that number is. It's what you need to feel comfortable otherwise you're facing catastrophic marital failure where you end up getting so frustrated that you either have an affair or get a divorce or whatever that is. We'd all like to avoid that. The first thing that I thought of as you were telling that story is forty years of no sex. That doesn't seem like a marriage to me. That seems like a friendship. How did they survive? Forty years in a sexless marriage For her her discomfort with the idea of having sex with him was not replaced with anything other than deep dive into alcoholism so she relied on booze to get through the rest of her life for him because of his religious upbringing. Divorce was an unacceptable option and I live in Nevada where prostitution is legal and he never availed himself of the services of a legal prostitute. Nor did he ever had an affair instead? What he did is he spent the next forty years trying desperately to take care of me sexual needs simply masturbation and of course that was not a successful effort because sexual needs are far more complex and diverse and just orgasm alone so even if I were let's say masturbating as frequently as I wanted an orgasm. That's not gonNA take care of my needs for companionship. Conversation Humor and play so it just doesn't work.