Audioburst Search

Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up

|

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Journalistic enterprises like the ones. You just heard after this message from our sponsors who may or may not actually have something useful to settle you. There's only one way to find out our top story. Today comes from the heavens as a lesion authorities are reporting that Jesus Christ will be transferring to Iowa State University in the fall after getting his grades up. The once academically troubled son of God seems to have finally been able to rehabilitate his image and get his schoolwork up to snuff over the last year at Western Iowa Tech Community College. And he's now ready to move onto the next chapter of his education. We're joined by. Opr's afterlife correspondent thaddeus Lawson to unpack the big news. Hi Leslie good to be here that is. This has been a long journey full of ups and downs for the son of God trying to make the grades and to be Frank. Fixing some behavioral problems. So he could get into a state or private school right after graduating. Saint Peter's high school with a dismal one point three grade point average. A lackluster five eighty. Sat score and a disorderly conduct arrest drunkenly urinating on the streets of gold by his house. He couldn't get accepted into any of his preferred universities. That's what his father started. Pressuring him to enroll in community college to get back on track. That wasn't a quick fix. His father was hoping for either correct. I mean he failed the winter semester at tech last year because he blew off his business administration final to play call of duty right and then he started this spring semester. This year getting kicked out of his welding class when he welded several pipes into a satanic pentagram not to mention his outright refusal to stand his dyslexia medication. So most didn't think you'd get to this point so that was the catalyst well my sources. Tell me that the son of God did a lot of small things like making sure to always sit in the front row and show up to class with a pencil but the real wakeup call for him came in February when his best. Buddy nate overdosed on method an epic. Kager our Lord and Savior through. Yeah after he found nate lifeless in a ditch by the house Christ shared with six other roommates. He told those closest to him that he needed to sober up and stop wasting away life. The Lord finally sobering up is definitely a step in the right direction. A what was his final. Gpa and greats like for this semester although we got to ds and biology and computer science he did manage to get an a minus a nutrition and B. Minus in the history of rock and roll which pulled his GPA up to a two point eight. That's plenty good for Iowa state and what's The reaction from the Heavens God Almighty and all his heavenly hosts are simply ecstatic. They're all just happy. That Jesus Christ and his father are taking an early to Iowa state to purchase some. Isu Swag the bookstore. Instead of burying the son of God with a needle coming out of his arm I can't help but ask and no offense to Iowa state but why them and not more storied private school. I mean this is the son of God. We're talking about wouldn't have brown taken him as a legacy student now. It's my understanding that Jesus wanted to create his own path and had zero interest in following his father's footsteps by going to Brown plus he liked the reasonable out of state tuition Iowa state and their study abroad option in Australia and as an aspiring radio. Dj He was impressed with Iowa State's communications program and ability to get involved early in the department student. Run radio station. Well of Christ is out there. Listening

Coming up next