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Raising Emotional Intelligence and Resilience for a Meaningful Life (with Susan David)


Can you talk a little about emotional? Agility what it is and why it matters. Yeah absolutely so most of my work. All of my work infect is focused on one key question and that is what does it take internally in the way we deal with our thoughts motions and even the stories that we develop over time that help us to thrive in an increasingly complex world because we know that no matter what grades children have an no matter what they outward skills aw. Ultimate V. what's going to be the Nicholas of whether they all well and happy and thriving. Human beings is determined much more by what goes on inside of them their capacity to navigate difficult emotions thoughts experiences so that they can bring the best of themselves forward and semi work ready focuses on that you know one of these fundamental skills that critical for children and that also as it turns out are critical for us as parents and to be able to offer this to our children. Often it's important for us to have it ourselves and that's one of the reasons I refer so many people to your tedtalk and your book because I want to help parents be able to help their children by recognizing in themselves the importance of understanding and feeling okay with the discomfort of their feelings. Absolutely you know a lot of what I do in my Ted talks in my work in general is I ve very much come up against this idea that you know a lot of us have in society which is that. We want to be happy all the time. We want to chase happiness. Happiness needs to be a goal and often we have that same one to design with great intentions for children. We want our children to be happy. And sometimes what happens is that idea of happiness becomes then almost muddied with the other idea which is if they show unhappiness than it means that not happy. That's a that's a bad thing and so what has happened. I think in society in general when it comes tall more difficult emotions back sadness. Fear Grief Boredom anxiety stress. Is We have very much this narrative that these are bad emotions that the negative emotions and her decayed sounds like a good thing. You know that we have joy and happiness and that the other emotions go away because they are suppose if he'd negative or bad but not allowing children to experience difficulty motion's actually undermines the resilience their wellbeing and they happiness over time. Because the truth is that our children are growing up in a world to use the phrase that I use my tip. Talk in which lacks beauty is inseparable from it's virginity. I'll children will one day be rejected by some of the folded narberth. Oh they'll lose their jobs or bell flanker school test. They going to have difficult emotional experiences and says parents want about. Most important roles is to help. Our children develop a sense of comfort and competence with these difficulty emotions. So that no longer scary. But the actually has the resilience capability checks. She'd navigate effectively and these are these fundamentally emotional. Not Skills that I'm talking about this idea that it's not about positively unhappiness it's xp about developing capacity with the full range of emotional experience so the children are able to navigate the world as it is not as we wish to be. That reminds me of something. My Mentor. Magdi Governor used to always say which is if we can learn to struggle. We can learn to live. It's one of my favorite quotes from her love. That and what you say which is discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. It's easy for us to feel fine when things are going well but it's when we can be comfortable with that discomfort then we're free we don't have to feel like we're just walking this tightrope by fall off. I'M NOT GONNA be able to handle it. I can handle all of it. I think that's EXEC because what happens so much and this is what a lot of my work has looked at how people if they experienced in difficulty actually been instead of just experiencing the difficulty. You know I've lost my job. I'm feeling unhappy here. Things aren't going well in this relationship. That's what we call a tough one experience but then what we ought to do as we start nehring on type two difficulties on the difficulties you know not only am. I am happy at my job but I'm unhappy about the fact that I'm unhappy because I should be happy or we become judgy with ourselves about a we get into this internal struggle with ourselves as to what emotions we should be allowed to feel what emotions we shouldn't get out of feel but our emotions even the most difficult ones guilt as a period for instance our emotions contain signposts to the things that we care about. And so if we move beyond this idea of trying to crush difficult emotions and we instead stock being curious and compassionate with them. Gee I feel guilty right now. Oh I feel I feel frustrated and instead of trying to push him aside we studied. Say What is it that venue? What is it that I care about that? This emotion is trying to sign post to me. So much guilt is apparent. That doesn't mean that guilt is a fact. It doesn't mean that I am a bad parent but what it might be helpful to do is for us to just slow down into solves and say what is this guilt. Kinnock me about what I care about. It might be telling me that I value prisons connected this with my children and I don't have enough of a crash now so what that does is it's liberating it. It opens up our capacity to make small meaningful changes Thomas and so. Yeah when I when I talk about this idea. That discomfort is the price of admission to meaningful less. It's ready this idea that you know. We don't get to have periods of growth without discomfort be apparent raise. A family started a new job. Boy You businesses leave the world a better place. We don't get to do those things without stress and discomfort and so if we can lean into an open assaults up to that discomfort and learn from it that is profoundly hopeful in terms of being able to move forward effectively

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