Mindful Mama Mentor: Hunter Clarke-Fields
Start by just having you. Tell us about your background Cole. Well I am. I came to mindfulness through sheer desperation. Sir I was I was like you know a a highly sensitive child really intense kid and I would just kind of be up and I would be down and I would be up and down and just it very pushing pulled by my emotions. I mean yeah I really you do You know I think I was a lot to handle for my parents and my I remember. I remember being like ten or eleven than it. Just being having been in a puddle of tears a my bed and my dad was rubbing my back and trying to comfort me as as I as I recovered and you know and he said to me. Oh Hunter you know this is your artistic nature and life will always be like this. They pick me up there and he was right you know he. He's very much like that too. And so you know as a teenager you know it was pretty tumultuous in my house and and I started i. I started looking at books about mindfulness Then looking for relief. Actually the first book I picked up Little Bit odd and strange I had my parents had a book of Like it was one of those little tiny mini books pocketbooks and that Shambala used to put out enda and it was like a Zen Cohen's but I didn't know I was just like. Oh this zen thing my pocket and I bike to my job After school where I had a lot of free time at this job and so I would read this like a Zen Koan book and it was very inscrutable and I was very confused but nonetheless. I persisted I found. I found the teachings of Han who eventually ended up practicing using the tradition for a long time and going on retreats there and And it gave me just reading. The books gave me so much lunch. Piece helped me feel hopeful that there wasn't something terribly wrong with me and And and then after about ten years of reading lots of books I find out and then it was really interesting because because Before then I would Kinda I would do yoga practice yoga and and then I could be in the present moment then I would go running and I would act. I would after a while you know in college I started a stopped listening to nine inch nails and Wu Tang clan while I was running in practice just being present while I was running. Not that there's anything wrong with those bands. It was great. You know. It's very Cathartic but anyway it was nice to be present as well my breath breath but then when I finally I I did a yoga teacher training than I was finally able to practice and I sat for ten minutes. A day for You know five or six days a week and and And despite kind of getting to the point a few months in whereas like this Mrs b side. Just sit here thinking the whole time. I'm not doing anything. I'm terrible at us. All of those thoughts. I realized that I hadn't fallen into those pits that I would had fallen into for twenty seven years of my life until then and it they they just kind of like went away not let the feelings went away. Those I still have a whole host of range as everyone does but that feeling of like I can't handle any of us and now I need to. You know I'm having a panic attack at work or whatever it was that went away and so it was this incredible. Will you know incredible transformation for me and it really. You know even me out in a way that just empowered me to do you so much. More it it. It really made a huge impact on my life so from the practice in that realization that Oh yeah. There's there's stuff that's happening even if I might not always be crystal clear and aware of An achievement today. She even unlocked still. Oh happening and you're noticing that so since that time. How did that progress for you well? It was helpful to know you know. Even if I don't feel like I'm doing this right there is there are these like effects that are happening. It was really powerful and since and that was that really empowered me I am. I found a Songa. I found a group nearby who practiced in the tradition of Han and a and and that fell was really satisfying to me. had grown up I- GROWNUP agnostic. And you know I was kind of like I was the kid who had no nothing and in this certain Catholic town I told I was going out. Why didn't I was like I don't know anyway? And so is really satisfy. The sense of like a also like a sense of community and a spirituality swelling and I had For me and and I really felt like wow this is great and then I I became pregnant two years after that and I was I remember really sitting with my big pregnant belly in the in the Songa the Oh man I got this like this. This is GONNA be loose. Zen baby this is. I'm doing three jobs look. I'm meditating on pregnant getting this baby this peaceful experience so so yeah so I had delusions and And then after that then the real learning. Wow so you had a baby and life. It happened no Magin. There are a lot of adjustments and you met practice. Maybe in a different way that lake. Well well Lo and behold. My child was a kind of intense highly sensitive child. Who WanNa thank you? It comes back get ya. I started to get. I remember at some points like apologizing to my parents. I'm sure they love that today. Gunman tell us more hundred tells. More really was the energy of my my grandmother than my father and myself and then this is a sensitive child and you know I had her in this This all natural birth centers free-standing bursts unders. I had all these the friends that now. Who are these wonderful? Crunchy Mama's not just seem so like there seemed so bliss to and I was like so struggling and my child was so fussy difficult and there was there was so much to learn there And it's really where you know. I really had to kind of Assam. My my my anger arise as she started to talk. Doc Back to me and walk and talk very very quickly. Resisted everything I said of course and and seeing I could just see these patterns like that were happening like here. It is again like oh my. Gosh here's my father's anger coming out again and it's coming through me. The and the thing I was I didn't want most in the world is now coming out through me and so it really became. You know I I became my teacher. You know just looking into these looking into these these things that were arising this anger. This is energy that I didn't want I wanted to push away desperately and realizing that that didn't work that it couldn't and so there was a lot an intense amount amount of learning to do and I also realized very very quickly that entered. Take time away from my child in order to be a better person for her. So you know it kind of building in these these pieces but but the real learning was like an seeing these patterns seeing these energies repeat and working working with them.