A highlight from Hasan Minhaj: A Joke about His Daily Show Audition

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

I walk into the studio and I see that daily show globe. It's so blue. I can't tell you how blue it is. And now I'm like sweating through my suit. The producer's like, hey man, just sit down with me. We'll run it a few times, and I sit down, and I get to the desk. And sitting presidents have sat on that desk. I sit down and we're running it the first time, and I'm nervous. He goes, hey man, just slow down, all right? We run it a second time. Now I'm stuttering. And he goes, hey, man, relax. You're funny. Which is a telltale sign of someone being like, hey man, you're not funny. You probably shouldn't relax. And now I can feel it. I'm choking. We've all been there. Everyone's gonna be like, hey man, how'd it go? And you're like, pray your hands positive thoughts? No, it's not happening. You're not. You are choking, MCAT DAT. You're going to the Caribbean. It's a wrap. You choke, right? Too real? It's real. We've all been there. And I'm like, fuck, I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt. I'm really nervous. I'm pooping my pants. I'm like, no. We're about to run it for a third time. Then I hear bob. And I know that voice. It's Jewish show. It's John. But he's walking through the tunnel where all the guests come. So he's just backlit. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me. And I can hear his accomplishments in each step, just like, boom, I am Jon Stewart. Boom, 22 time, Emmy Award winning John Stewart. Boom. I redefine political satire in comedy. What have you done? I'm like, I don't know. Have you heard of Pizza Hut? Then he steps into the light. And he's shorter than I thought. And he has all this scruff on his face? And I look at him, and I'm like, dad? Like, he had Jewish nasby vibes. He shakes my hand. I could feel it. I felt like he had slapped me in a previous life. I was like, I know this hand. We're sitting there, he starts ripping. I start riffing. He starts doing earthing. The prompter guy's like, I don't know what the fuck you guys are doing. I'm like, I got this pumper guy. I had all memorized in my head. One shot. Mom's spaghetti 8 mile, and I stuck my landing, like a motherfucking Russian gymnast. I was like, thank you, sir. Thank you for the opportunity. And I talked to a little bit back in my budget. We're going home. I walked out the door, but then I hear a voice behind me. Hey man, where are you going? And it's John. I was like, oh. I live in LA. I got to go back to LA. Oh, well, I'll see you Monday, right? I was like, why? Well, you work here. So I'll see you later, right? I couldn't believe it, I said, to ask us these go. You gotta say what you gotta say. What I wanted to say was, Sean, this is one of the only things that I've gotten in my entire career. That my dad actually knows. So thank you. But what I said was, Sean, my dad? Knows you. Stream Hasan minhaj, homecoming king, only on Netflix.

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