I'm Having Boundary Issues With My Parents
Scott is with us. In Atlanta Georgia, Hi Scott what's up man? Hello Dave a doctor Doni Personal Dave. Congratulations Faculty is such a great addition to the lineup. We'll thank you we agree. Brother Scott and your check in the mail rather. All right waiting for that since I'm on. Right, now, so anyway, to my question my wife and I like I said, we're on baby step two. We've got a ways to go currently cash flowing kids through college my parents who are eighty years old never saved for retirement They've I called in last. Ti- last year You help me guys guide through bailing my parents out of a financial prices and then you send them through FPU and set them up with a financial coach they fully completed both and you also sent me boundaries which I read. last month, they called me to tell me not ask me that they needed need to co-sign a loan for them because my mom wants cosmetic surgery, they can't afford. At eighty though. Yeah. I don't even WANNA ask Ya. Yeah I I could make it exciting but it's It has to do with dental work. So I told them I was not going to dismiss the principles I live by to enable their behavior especially after they have sensibly learn the same thing. I did anyway my birthday was August thirtieth it came and went without a caller card. My father now spends time posting passive aggressive stuff on facebook about how children are supposed to treat their parents. Now I know I'm right by co-signing. And I'm not sure from a relationship standpoint what I'm supposed to do here I wouldn't let them starve or be thrown out on the streets but this is a want not a need. we're all angry obviously one of us who's right. But we're at astounding. Hurt, so bad I'm sorry. Ask got hate that for your brother. So. Here's the deal when it comes to what's the right thing to do financially of course, you know that you're right men when it comes to the right thing to do relationship of course, you know you don't need validation but you're right you drew a boundary that was best for you and for your family and you held them to it and I'm proud of you for that and you're getting to see what the other side of a boundary looks like when Someone Ping's off your the walls or the fences or the boundaries you drew and they choose to react immaturely and the hard part. Is You love your parents. You Love Your Mom you love your dad individually and together, and they're choosing to make their own path as adults are able to do, and that hurts in that stinks and you're going to have to grieve that But the reality is there eighty they're allowed to do whatever they want to do and I would suggest you turn off facebook and don't listen to the nonsense and you continue to be mature and you continue to be adult and yes, you send them cards on their birthday because children honor their parents and you make sure they are included when it's appropriate but. You'RE GONNA have to grieve this part of man because I just stinks. I'm sorry. Hey, for the only the only recompense you've got this, there's only one kind of a relationship that requires money to be transferred. It's called prostitution. And so if your relationship is money dependent. You're in that class. You don't have a relationship in other words. Because that's not a relationship that's a transaction agreed. I agree and so. I'm just saying it's the only way you're. You have to get your brain around Oslo. It's chapter two. I believe maybe one even in boundaries. That says you're not crazy. Remember that chapter. You're not crazy you because when you get this paying off the boundary, John described it. What you start to feel is is that you're crazy like you did something wrong I, a- bad son and my being a legalist being too hard core and so forth, and it's like No. Sky You're just asking how to deal with this. Well. Yeah. I, mean nobody wants to pick up the phone at this point. In so here's the deal call men and check in how's everybody doing. You can be the mature grown-up when there and if they choose to respond in immature ways, then then you can begin to develop new boundaries against that. The challenge with boundaries is we feel so good and we finally draw and we forget that boundaries do have consequences and boundaries do have emotional and feeling you know responses and sometimes people don't respond well to our boundaries and it hurts boundaries when someone feels like they're boundaries, me someone feels like they're entitled to something of yours that they're not entitled to. And you tell them that. Almost, always, there's a response of anger but I think we get so excited that we're drawn boundary that we feel good and we do it and it's like. We forget that tim be up against it and say, well, then you're not my son I, don't love you or if I really do cocaine and the living room. Dad Than I just won't let you be my dad if you're going to throw me out for doing that. I'm sorry we don't do cocaine. We're living room or it's going to be your fault that my. Kids are GONNA fill in the right. So people get to respond to that going to respond grandchildren are going to be hungry because of you because of you giving this thirty six year old without job for two and a half years any money you know this kind of thing and so your it's your fault. Somehow it's not your fault man I'm it does hurt when. It does breaks your heart, and so but I agree with John I mean just call them and have a conversation but here's the thing. Don't try to call them and fix it now doesn't fix they can't they're not there's no fixing this they're just going to get over it or not. Yeah I. Always want to encourage people to be mature party respectful party the relational party, but also protect yourself. Don't keep putting yourself in harm's way. For Scott.