President Trump, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin discussed on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah: Ears Edition

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Headquarters in New York. This is the daily show with Trevor Noah Yours. Thank you so much again. Impeccable coming out how tonight our guest is an award winning author and truly fantastic writer whose new book is called. Red at the bone. It's going to be a wonderful conversation. Jacqueline Woodson is going to be joining us also tonight. Show Oh alligators could be joining the Border Patrol Vladimir Putin exposes a secret and Donald Trump is getting impeached. Thank you thank you I have. I have lost a little weight. Thank you so. Let's catch up on today's headlines. Let's kick it off with the story that has been blowing up online today it involves zoo offense and a woman who seen the Lion Lion King Way Too many times from the category of Lucky to be alive. Take a look at this video of a woman who crossed a safety barrier at the Bronx Zoo here in New York and had a close encounter with the lion the kept to itself but the zoo said the woman's action was unlawful and could have resulted in serious injury or death. You got to wonder what the Lions thinking thinking here. I know what the lions thinking. He's thinking. What the hell you doing a lion here. Can you see it actually feel bad for that because look how confused here. He's got that look like when you're not sure if you just walk into the bathroom a Actually you know what I think. The line was really thinking lines looking like what are you doing. You're black. You don't need extra danger in your life right lady. What are you doing what you're doing right now. Technically cultural appropriation this crazy shit is for white people shouldn't be you shouldn't be moving onto some international news. Vladimir Putin Russian president and man man who thinks the notebook was a comedy he has always denied meddling in America's two thousand sixteen election but yesterday he was asked if he's going to meddle in twenty twenty and his answer was refreshingly honest is Russia as robot. Mila alleged attempting to influence the twenty twenty elections in the United States. I'll tell you a secret. Yes we will definitely Clinton needs a secret so that everybody can laugh and so we go big but don't tell anyone please. Oh you you gotTa love that classic Russian sense of humor. You know threats. We're sending to Siberia then after you live in forty years in Siberia. We'll like Douglas Funny Right. Yes actually Putin is probably the funniest guy in Russia when you think about it because I mean it's easy. It's joke around when you're the only person in the country not afraid of being killed by Vladimir Putin. If you go on Russian net flicks he's got all the top stand up specials and his standup is great though he's just like women die from empoisoned this but from poisoning this people drive curling but the black people do not leaving Russia and finally let's move on to Tesla. It's the call for people who want to save the environment but still want people to think there are assholes and and while every new Tesla is a technological one. There are still a few bugs in the system. Tesla's smart summoned promises to allow your car to drive to you or location of of your choosing from two hundred feet away with no one behind the wheel as long as the car is in sight for Tesla. The right of the future may have just hit a pothole this morning videos of the car companies economist feature failing and fuelling online criticism criticism G. What's the deal with motorists shock by near misses. ooh costly clips and potentially dangerous crashes with startled pedestrians chasing after empty vehicles. Tesla's latest cutting edge software is driving concern. Turn into high gear again that car driving itself hold on this. Is this is really really a problem. I mean I thought Uber Drivers were picking me up now. You'RE GONNA call up your own call like hey. It's me it's me. I'm at the corner just south of the people you just mowed down on the sidewalk yeah. Yeah No. That's a daycare center. Keep going like here's the big cosmonauts smart enough to give them. This feature and people are definitely not smart enough to have this feature all right because think about it. People already drive drunk now. What if you're drunk inside of like a casino and you accidentally someone you'll call. That's just not going to end well. Honestly I think we should stop giving speeches. You don't need it's cool that can drive itself but you don't need like a college hoops in the parking. Lot useless fees like when they put speakers in the trunk of a car. Why do I need my grocery bags to hear Adele. I don't I don't leave my ice cream getting that emotional leaving normal all right. That's the headlines. Let's move Ivanka trump story to watch president trump and if you've watched them lately it's clear the impeachment battle has been getting to him for one. He's tweeted two hundred seventy six times since Pelosi announced the impeachment inquiry last week back and he's been in such a bad mood that even watching Fox News hasn't cheered him up. He's like yes. I am the best leader judge. But where does everyone eight be well today. Trump's rage moved from his twitter feed to real life would during a press conference with the leader of Finland. He did not react well to the barrage of impeachment. Questions is son walks out with millions of dollars. The Kid knows nothing you know it and soda we go ahead. Ask a question Sir was what did you want the president's Alinsky to do about pres- Vice President Biden and his son hunter you talking to me yeah. It was just a follow up of what I just asked you. Sir Listen you ready. Will we have the president defendant. Ask Him a question. I have one form. I just wanted to follow up on the one that I asked you. which did you hear what if you want you hear me? Ask Him a question I will but it may have been you a long answer. Ask this gentleman question. Don't be rude rude. I just want to have a chance to answer. The question asked the President Finlandia question. Wow trump was really pissed off. They one minute was the president the next second turned into a spray Tan Samuel Jackson. Ask Ask the president of Finland the question I double dare your mother. Ask him practice. It would have been amazing is if the finish president got a question but then through trump out of the bus like actually I would be interested to hear ear Joe Biden get. You screwed me again finish guy now. Please don't get me wrong. I don't want you to think that trump didn't want to answer onto questions at this press conference no. He only wanted to answer the questions that he liked okay. What's your second. Just what you shouldn't be asking to question like. You'RE GONNA WANNA ask me a favor. Ask One of the I will finish on you. WanNa ask one of the Finnish president. GonNa come back to you because I think you WanNa talk later sure sure well. It sounds like it might be a good question. Let me see if I like to question. Maybe for the first time in three years. I'll have a good question and I'll love it. There is a report. It came out just before you in President walked out here that the whistle blower met with the staff member of Adam Schiff PR. I love that question be filed. It shows that Schiff Jeff is fraud and I love that question. Thank you thank you John and has to be one of the quickest emotional u-turns I've ever seen right because one minute that he wanted nothing to do with that journalists question the next minute it was trumps. Favorite question in the entire world like trump treated that journalists the way people treat waiters. You know who keep offering the same ordos over over and over again people like I told you I don't want the Goddamn crab cakes. I don't what is that with a deviled egg. Oh Yea thank you John so the pasta weeks clearly haven't been trump's favorites. Impeachment is consuming his life. His poll numbers of dipping again and on top of all of that's the failing New York Times has reported this breaking news nine exclusive report in The New York Times documenting the lengths to which sources say president trump was prepared to go to stop migrants crossing the southern border he wanted the wall electrified with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh the New York Times reports the privately the president had often talked about fortifying a border wall within water-filled trench stocked with snakes or alligators. That's writes the New York. Times is reporting that president trump wants to build a moat along the border wall which was going to be filled with snakes and alligators which I know sounds crazy easy but to be fair. It's been very effective at keeping him out of millennials bedroom. That's probably where he got the idea. I mean it's either that was because he's talking. Immigration advisors an actual reptile great idea. Mr President could use the life according to the report trump wasn't just coming up with all the warcraft upgrades to his wall. No he was also lashing out at his aides when he felt that they weren't making progress on securing the border in late. March president trump publicly threatened to close the US Mexico border but according to the Times reporters in a March meeting the president's Nsen buys irs tried to turn them away from such a drastic move he responded. You're making me look like an idiot and shouted. Iran on. This is my issue. The president reportedly berating then Homeland Security Secretary Kirstin Nielsen saying quote Lou Dobbs hate you and coulter h you you're making me look bad wow that is so sad imagine carrying that much about what Lou Dobbs and Ann Coulter think of you. I mean that's one step away from being like you better not embarrassed me in front of the booger. I swear to God ask him a question now. The The Times report that's really blowing up is that trump apparently suggested shooting migrants in the leg to slow them down as they were trying to cross the border which is not just a crazy idea. It's also illegal illegal and apparently trump had a lot of illegal ideas in fact my favorite example is when he told a room of border patrol agents to just turn away every asylum asylum-seeker who showed up at the border and then get this as soon as trump left the room. The head of Border Patrol told everyone else to ignore the president's residents while you realize the only organization with a top guy gets ignored like that is McDonald's no because Ronald is always like remember top priorities making people smile and then he leaves on the managers like forget that Shit we we hit a move beef. You hear me go kick the machine and make sure it's still doesn't work now. Some of you might be hearing these reports and thinking oh I'm sure the president didn't really mean all the stuff and maybe he was just joking about the alligators and snakes but he doesn't seem like that like the moat filled with snakes and alligators. Apparently it was real enough that his aides actually went out to seek a cost estimates. They actually got a quote for the march which also sounds like the name of the most xenophobic Dr Seuss book ever can use imagine being the trump trump aid to call around to figure out how much it would cost to Philip border mode with snakes and alligators well. Luckily you don't have to imagine because he had the daily show. We have the exclusive exclusive audio of that call. Thanks for calling PETCO. How can I help you. Can I get it quote for how much it would cost for two thousand miles of of snakes We don't really sell snakes by the mile. Okay how about alligators. I need a southern border amount of alligators picture alligators hate Mexicans but alligators think about Mexicans..

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