Brian, KIM, Emily discussed on Sex With Emily
However, I recently met someone else that I'm very sexually attracted to. I was wondering if there was a way to approach my boyfriend asking for like a hall pass type of thing. Asking for permission to hook up with this other person. For one, I think it would help me let out some steam and hopefully satisfy my want for something different in bed. But I still want to be with my boyfriend. Am I just wanting to have my cake and eat it too? Is this not a thing? Kim, this is a really good question. Yeah, this is kind of a cake and eating it too question. This is also where you're 21 years old. Question. So you guys have been together two years. He might be one of the first partners you've had and you generally have a good relationship, but you're in the place what happens with a lot of couples. This thing called a honeymoon phase, which is a real thing. The state of mind when we're with someone and we all hormones, the oxytocin, everything's fine, really connected and we're in love and everything's great. It's really more like lust. And then it's gonna weigh after. It's gonna change. And so I feel like you want to stay with your boyfriend, but you are, you're young, there might be something that's not satisfying in your relationship. Typically, when we look outside of our relationship, it's because we're not getting certain needs met. And so I think that before you go off and cheat and assume for a hall pass, which I actually appreciate, you're not going to cheat. You're going to have some hall pass. I don't think that's going to go well. So we're going to recommend is that you take it back inward and you talk to what you actually want in bed. Remember, our partners are not mine readers. As much as we would love them to be. So we don't have to have these really awkward conversations. So and I understand that it is hard, but this is a great way to start. Just tell them, let them know what you need, remember you guys can figure out things together. You said you have to let off steam and satisfy your wants in bed. I don't think he knows. And maybe he hasn't remember like great lovers are not born. They are made. So this could be practice for you and working on your relationship together. You know, if you, if you really feel like you want to explore and you want to get out there, then it is time to end the relationship. That's my thought. If you rather than asking for the hall pass, that's gonna get messy. And often when we're in relationships, we want to go outside the relationship so I think it would be a great learning lesson, life lesson for you to say, I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but all I know is there's something with our sex life that's kind of missing for me and I think it would be I love you. I love our relationship. And I think that we should start to talk about things that turn us both on that would feel good. And if you guys don't know, listen to the show together. And kind of just use me and just say, well, Emily said this or that, you know, this is how a lot of couples and people learn how to a better sex. Go to a sex toy store, watch some porn together that turns you both on. There's a lot of different resources out there if you're not sure exactly what it is that turned you on. But I would use this again as an opportunity to have these difficult conversations. Here's the other thing. People just made me think of. We hear from a lot of people who are new to the sex game, they just, you know, in their teens, 20s and they're like, I just want to be the best lover. I want to have all the skills and all the tricks and all the things. But being a great lover is not about learning how to be the best kisser or learning how to give an excellent blowjob. Although we can't, I can explain that to all of you. A lot of it is about these really challenging hard communication skills that get a lot easier over time, right? That's why I'm just want her to rip the band aid off and have that conversation. If we can learn to communicate with our partners, hear what they're saying, pay attention really listen and then reflect back and work on it together, that's how you become a great lover. Communication is a lubrication. And that will make you all feel a lot more satisfied and feel like that confident lover that you all want to be. Okay, we have Brian from Canada. Tell me what's going on. Wow, so me and my fiance have been together for 8 years and recently decided to open up their relationship. We talked about it for months and months and made rules and did all the things you're supposed to do. And now when it's getting down to the nitty Gritty, we decided to try it to begin to go on dates on the same nights. Okay. That makes sense. You know, try and balance it out and get used to things. And now, of course, tonight, when we are supposed to both go on a date, mine canceled. No backup plans. And it's tough. Oh, Brian, I'm with you right now. I'm feeling you. That's hard. You know, I trust her and we have rules and boundaries and I don't think she's going to go past those or anything. It's just hard to let your mind wanders and all that kind of stuff, right? Right, right. Well, I think this is a great, yeah, no, thanks for calling, because we're here for you. I feel like I wish we could hang out with you all night until she comes home, so you don't let your mind wander. I wish I could do that, Brian. That is a tricky one. Okay, good. No, but Brian, this is gonna be, you know, this is gonna give you some time to sit and think about it. And I also think the more you could keep yourself busy tonight, do some things you want to do, watch some movies. Watch television and not let your mind go to the negative places. So, you know, what are your I guess it's important to think about what are your plans for when she comes home? Tonight. Right, that's another thing. Gives me anxiety, right? When she comes home and I'm like, okay, what happened? And then she says, oh, XYZ. And then I go, oh. I didn't see any of that stuff. Does she know your date canceled? Yes. Okay. So what are your boundaries? Did you have boundaries like against what are the boundaries? Could she have sex tonight? Boundaries are like no penetrative sex. Okay. Yeah, but everything else is kind of fair game. And tonight was kind of the night where we had been on like feel like whatever week dates and some other kind of little days before, but tonight was kind of like the night where we were going to go and stay out on night type of thing. Right. Oh. God. Brian, I'm just killing me right now. Well, just know that your time is gonna come. Like, you'll have a date next week or it'll happen, but right now, I think it's right now you're in that jealousy fit. You're like she's out and how am I gonna react? But the truth is, even if you went outside Brian, you could have gone out with someone and there wasn't this woman who canceled, but let's say you went out and there wasn't a connection, but she came home and she had this amazing night, amazing connection..