Christina Bullman Christina, Christina, Browns discussed on In Your Corner Divorce
Regardless of how we find ourselves in the world of divorce the one thing we have complete control over is how we behave from here on out. We have two choices. One is to remain stuck in the stories. The anger and pain in the other is take a breath. Adjust our sale to the wind in work harder than ever before to create a new story for our children for ourselves and for the world around us. It's your choice your work. But i'll be in your corner welcomed in your corner divorce. Podcast my name is carly israel. And i am your host. Today i have the privilege of talking with christina bullman christina. Welcome thank you to be here. Thank you christina. Isn't experienced attorney. Mediator parenting coordinator christina works with all the high conflict parents to resolve issues. Just those words ultra high conflict. Give me a stomach ache. Can you tell me what that looks like. So this is where there is little to no co-parenting relationship. This is where we have kiddos caught in the middle. This is where conflict has been going on post divorce from multiple years Or during the divorce. This is where the parents have repeatedly returned to court for contempt or motions to modify. This is where we have outside service providers being drug into this. You know we're arguing with baseball coaches in schoolteachers. We're having to have multiple parent teacher conferences. we've had. Some parents have been asked not to come onto the browns. I mean we're talking the cream of the crop. The worst of the worst. We have very little communication skills on the other hand. We do have some that. The court would call alter conflict and typically if we can put some protocols in place in some rules for communication. We see that things. Settle down pretty quickly. So how does the client get to you. So mind will typically come through court appointments and the reason that we choose to do this is because if they come to me privately they pay private practice fees right if they come through the core. I'm appointed pursuant to a local rule. They pay the courts Fee which is typically between sixty and seventy five dollars an hour I'll either come. Because i was referred by a guardian Or attorneys that. I've worked within the past Most of the magistrates in our local counties. No what i do That kind of thing so it's typically through a court appointment or referral from guardian. And are you meeting with both parents. Just one always both so typically the way i do it is. I do an intake with both parents. I really need to figure out what the issues are. And then we start at what the question is. What are you seeing. Are the big ticket issues that are just consistently at your at your door. Every cases a little bit different Some of the bigger consistent issues we see is one or both parents have mental health issues or personality disorders We see conflicts because there is two very different parenting styles either one is very permissive and the other is very strict Or we have sort of the helicopter parent in the free range parent in. It doesn't mesh well together. The crux of all big issues. It's communication off an understanding and respect for the other parents and respecting that. You know mom says. I have a concern about this. Not throwing your hands up and saying oh my goodness you make such a big deal out of every paying and really truly showing respect and saying okay. Well let's talk about this and let's see if there's anything that we can do to work together about this we'd compromising it is and you're not. You're not asking someone that is not able to do something to do it. Because you're mad. I have a question for you re in regards to that. 'cause i know you have more say about that putting aside which you don't get to do but i get to do because i can't work with for clients. I can't work with someone who's got mental health issues. Because i'm not experienced enough to do that and there's an it's a whole different boat so putting aside those do you still see ultra-high contract ultra high conflict when there are minus the mental health issues. The other issues mentioned absolutely. I do too and what i want to ask you and i feel like it's kind of simple so much work is i tell i tell clients that the number one reason that their children will be harmed by not showing up at events because the other person's there by putting them in the middle by saying negative things about them by allowing to say negative things about their parents by doing lots of passive aggressive. Yucky stuff is because they're selfish correct and they're not willing to do the emotional work. It's gonna take to get through their story so when i work with people. I'm a coach. So i have the ability to kind of be hard and i'm like look you get to tell me your story one time and then we're done with it absolutely and i say the same thing. It's great that you gave me some background information. I want to talk about what we're going to do going forward. Yeah because here's the thing. The decisions already made. They're no longer together. So you are talking about what happened in will unravel what. They didn't what she did. It doesn't matter. The marriage is over. Your only priority is. How can we best raise these children in something that. I think that you definitely can connect with that i do. I actually believe that what you're doing. What i'm doing are very similar. It is it is it is and that we can literally change the landscape of divorce for generations to come because like you said before we started talking and we're going to really get into it. We're creating mental health issues. Children are growing up to be teenagers and adults who get married or in relationships who have children and then it keeps repeating and repeating yup. Were perpetuating this Sort of some of the belief systems. I i have sometimes referred to it as the golden uterus syndrome. Where just. Because you're the mom i you know i'm the mom i get to make all the rules while we don't we don't do that anymore. And it's not shut up that and pay your child support anymore And then we talk about the dads because for a lot of our dads what. Co-parenting is is new for them. They're actually learning how to be a parent her wrecked and and i always tell them you know they say oh well you know. I don't know when. I don't know this okay. But you've just totally you want shared parenting and shared parenting. Means you have to share in the parenting and that means that when juniors sick you don't call mom you gotta meeting..