Two Parent, Second Job, Forty Five Years Old discussed on Velvet's Edge
It's journals of a love addicts so we did a podcast. A couple months ago was that. I can't even remember this point. It might have been last summer at the line near a blur. The pandemic feels like one big to be a very weird but true I told you you're not been talking a little bit before this. But i've been in recovery for co-dependency since two thousand thirteen in the last few years i've started to slowly ditto into love addiction. Work in the Is been so interesting. I was just telling you this. I have never found myself so hesitant to do. The work around kind of is a trauma our attachment wounds. I think that's how you describe it. Is that a typical thing that happens to people with this love addiction stuff. Yes it is. I well okay so we're talking about attachment and so yes leaders asked. Is we call trauma or attachment wounds. I i called a lot of different things because it will let me start with this. I don't like the term love addiction. I don't like the term love addict. i don't even like the term codependence you know. Because but the thing is those are terms. That are out there. And i am trained in p melodies model And so pm melody wrote codependence and she wrote the book facing eviction in those terms helped me when i got into recovery and so i call them starter. Terms that people can google that they can find books they can things that have been written about that and then they can start their own recovery. You know doing research getting lots of information with those starter terms and you can call it whatever you want. That's what i like to tell people. Call it what you want to call it really but no that is trauma. This is all attachment trauma. Yeah so what does that me. And i think we talked about this in the last podcast but do want to give people a little bit of an overview her just joining us in this one. What would attachment trauma even mean. Yeah instead of that's another term you attachment traumas also a pretty broad term because attachment trauma can happen in adult relationships with your attachment figure right as adults. We have attachment figures people that we attach with in relationships but we're talking really about childhood developmental trauma and that is actually what melody calls. Codependence is It is a developmental immaturity. And so that means is you know. Children go through stages of development and if there is wounding any of those areas there is going to be some issue with developing in those areas. So we might not mature in certain areas which then leads us to be more immature in relationships as adults so we can call them like an interruption in attachment and they can look anything peos says abuse falls into two categories which is a measurement or neglect. And so the thing about neglect is that it can be kind of invisible. In a way. We think of neglect. Actually we might think of someone who doesn't have food and shelter who doesn't have clothing and basic needs met right and that is that's extreme neglect but when we think about emotional neglect you know. That's something that can be really subtle you know and it can happen so frequently and even in loving households because parents are busy you know even if you have a two parent household working meetings running kids to soccer practice dealing with other children. You know there's a lot of reasons that children might not get be emotional nurturance that they need and can show up later in life as what was emotional neglect so bad what. We look at trauma so we look at trauma in two ways either a measurement or neglect and a lot of times in addiction. We're talking about emotional neglect Would love avoidance. We're talking oftentimes more about what was a measurement and so that is when term either it. It's like helicopter parents. You know where you're on the child your child hula-hoop all the time you know. And there's no freedom for the child really become their own person So an someone who might become more avoid later in life might feel. Love is suffocating. So they kind of push away from intimacy and what they look at as love and attachment. So you see. Does that make sense. It's totally make sense to me. I think the so interesting. I was thinking about when you're talking about the neglect piece like it's so interesting because parents could also be working through their own trauma and so it's like dealing with their you know. Life is hard as an adult of the more. The older i get the more. I'm like i mean there is constantly some issue right. And so that's hard as a parent i would imagine to consistently emotionally show up when you're also dealing as a human being with your own trauma your own shit from your childhood. You know like any of that stuff. That's right matteo talks. He doesn't really great job. I'm talking about the importance of tune mints in childhood which is basically you know when will use the example of a crying baby or crying toddler and when the parents is regulated you know they can pick up the baby and they can hold the baby and help the baby regulate if a parent is distributed. It's almost impossible to get the child to regulate and so the child doesn't sued know with the parent. Does it make sense. And so if apparent is stressed the paren- is dealing with three other children or the parents trying to rush to get to work or their second job. Maybe they're a single parent and So that a tune-in rare. You think that must be or how hard that is to do consistently. So that's why i look at you. Know have clients sometimes. Come in and say. I'm forty five years old release felt securely attached and then i got into this relationship and now i'm behaving like love addict and i don't know what's going on and it's because another thing to look at is we can go through life and not this stuff can lie. Dormant is how i look at it and it can get triggered by a particular partnership particular dynamic you know with someone who comes along and is more avoided and triggers that insecure.