Adam, Jackie, Bipolar Disorder discussed on A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast


Everyone and welcome to this week's not crazy. I'd like to introduce my co host gay. Who lives with bipolar disorder and is really really wonderful. I would like to introduce my co host Jackie who lives with major depression and is not whatever that's actually a really great segue. Gabe because as you may know a couple of weeks ago. We talked about bipolar anger. And I was pretty angry that I didn't get a chance to share some of my experiences not with bipolar anger. But with anger that is rooted in anxiety and so. I thought that that would make a good episode. To continue the anger talk I guess but Redirected towards anxiety. If you haven't listened to that episode you should definitely go and check it out and you don't have to have bipolar disorder to learn anything from it because one of the things that it talks about. How anger is on a spectrum from irritability to rage and and everything in between we really kind of delve deep so a little asterix there that we might reference the episode. But you know we might not. We don't know what we're doing. We're weighing at every episode. We just but Jackie. You made a good point when the show wrapped up. Jackie and I were talking and Jackie said you know. Do you think we made the point that people without bipolar disorder can be irrationally angry and I said well. I don't know that we ever discussed it. And then Jacquie explained. Oh but we hand and by we I mean people who live with anxiety and experienced these little blips I guess of completely irrational moments of anger and the number one reason why I really wanted to talk about. This was because I didn't know this was anxiety until it had a very clear conversation with my therapist. Shout to Kristen as usual. We know I love her because I would have these moments where I would get so angry so fast and I knew that it was irrational. I knew it didn't make sense. I knew that I was completely overreacting but I couldn't stop. I couldn't figure out what it was and I couldn't figure out why whatever it was was making me so angry and as it turns out that was my anxiety. Anxiety is this far reaching kind of emotion on one hand. Anxiety is kind of good. I mean it's it's the hairs in the back of your neck that stick up it's a warning system and sometimes it's good to be nervous before I go onto a stage to give a speech. I always have you know the butterflies in my stomach. You know I'm I'm just a little bit nervous and I kinda like that because it shows me that I understand the gravity of what I'm about to do. I'm taking the situation seriously. Which makes me more prepared but an anxiety. Disorder of course is when that anxiety is too much and that anxiety has to manifest itself in something whether it's an anxiety attack or just in Jackie's case what we're now calling Blip Ridge blip rage. I like it yeah. It is not a fun thing to experience and mostly because I know that when this happens. It's almost always directed at my husband. My lovely husband Adam who does not deserve any of this blip rage but he's on the receiving end most of the time because it's something sorry Adam something that he's done that is not a big deal but it has triggered this little bit of anxiety that turns into anger and so then I'm like just raging at him and I know it's wrong and then feel bad while I'm doing it but you can't stop you know it's like when you're eating like a jar of pringles and you just can't stop eating the whole thing or are you literally. GonNa say once you pop. You can't stop it. Principles Ladies and gentlemen sponsoring not crazy since Never Cincinnati. Well straight up never anxiety once you pop the anxiety thing. It's just like full steam ahead so I think that people listen. You're like what you just said that your husband did something wrong. So it's your response to it that's unrealistic. I think we've kind of followed along in that but just to kind of ground this for us. He'll give us an example of something that your husband did wrong. And you're disproportionate. Anger too said situation. I have so many examples but something happened a couple of weeks ago and now that I know that this is anxiety. I'm able to like talk myself down. Sometimes where I'm like. This is just anxiety. You're not actually angry but when I left the House I will tell the story but when I left I went through what I was deep thinking right like where the panic was coming from and then I was able to explain that to Adam later. Okay but what did Adam do want giving there so this is what happened? I was leaving for therapy. Actually this is like the greatest part of all of this. I was leaving for therapy. Adam was parked behind me. I leave chronically early for everything because I hate being late because it makes me anxious so I'm like leaving early. We're good to go. I know he's parked behind me but that's fine because his keys are on the hook and I'll just move his car until his keys are not on the hook anymore and now I start to panic. 'cause I'm GONNA be late. I hate being late. You're unreliable when you're late people judge you when you're late so I'm like Adam where your keys and he goes. Oh they're in my pants pocket in your office. I go into my office. There's no fucking pants in my office keys in my office so now. It went from zero to furious in literally. Four seconds from couldn't find the keys to couldn't find the keys to now. I'm ready to murder somebody here. You getting angry. You get so anxious to Your Voice. You started off with. Let me explain this thing that happened between me and my beloved and then all of a sudden the F. Word came out you're just like okay. These these are keys so we all agree that not being able to find your keys in the grand scheme of things not that big of a deal and also you live in like twelve hundred square foot house. So there's just a finite place that they could be right right. I know this so adam gets out of bed. He walks four steps in a different direction and picks up his keys and goes here. They are while. I'm already furious at this point right because I'm GONNA be late. I get the keys. I am honestly approximately probably a total forty seconds later than I had anticipated being. But this is the forty seconds. It's GonNa make the difference in my day. I was not even a block away from the House and I immediately felt guilty and like a dickhead so I was like all right. Just what happened? What just happened self because that one was like kind of a doozy hang on? Hang ON JACKIE. Let me back you up for a moment when you started doing the self talk this sort of chain analysis of what was going on in your mind and what was happening and why you lost your shit on atom. Had the anger subsided. Were you now back to normal? I'm trying to avoid using the phrase. How'd you calmed down? So I was in the car driving and now now this is just anxiety right like heart rate faster. Everything is just more intense. I'm not mad anymore. Now I just have lingering like heart palpitations. I'm still anxious heightened anxiety but the anger part is slipping away. And that's when I start to feel like I was a jerk in that moment where I can feel it slipping away. The anger has started to subside. So your rational brain is is starting to take over. And that's when you sort of realized that you got angry at Adam for essentially either doing nothing wrong depending on how you look at it or doing something just minor a minor household infraction. You Lost Your Shit over. So guilt is probably the next feeling that is about to like forum in your brain yes. I almost immediately called him in apologized. They went to therapy and on the drive. There it's about minutes away. I was thinking about what was actually the anxiety process right like what was I so anxious about what was it that I was worried would happen as you may know if you live with anxiety. A lot of anxiety is rooted in fear whether we know it or not. Most anger is also rooted in fear. So it's not terribly surprising when they present in similar ways and so I was trying to think about what was I afraid of and then I wanted to be able to explain this to Adam later. Because we've gotten past the point of identifying this angers Zion. He knows it's anxiety now but it doesn't make it any better. It doesn't make it any easier to understand and it damn sure doesn't make me feel any less guilty after it happens. What do you do with that guilt? So now your anger has calmed down. Your rational brain has taken over. You are now. Back to the Jackie's Zimmerman that we all know in love. But you've got this thing in your past that happened. So what do you do I went to? How can I explain this to atom? How can I help him? Understand irrational anxiety anger not to be like well now you get it so it doesn't matter if it happens it doesn't count anymore but to me. It felt like if I could get him to understand when he sees this happening. He might not take it personally. Basically a might just be like. This is a behavior that you have that we work through and I can help. Calm you down in these moments as opposed to being like figure it out. The keys are on the hook kind of thing one. I'm going to say as your friend who is always on your side at any fight that you get into with your spouse. Yeah yeah he should help you manage your emotions and learn to be a better spouse for an irrationally angry anxious person. I got your back and then I'm going to say really you think Adam has to help stop you from being an anxious. Irrational angry person like Adam has any culpability here. Why are you involved him this? Here's why and no. I don't think it's his responsibility. But Adam asks regularly in these moments how can I help you? What can I do to make this better? And these are the moments where I'm like. Well you can put your fucking keys on the hook but that's not helpful. No it's not great so I'm thinking what can I do to make this helpful and this is what I realized and I got home and I told him this I know in that moment. It looked like we couldn't find your keys and I left forty seconds later than I anticipated and I lost my shit but this is actually what was happening. I'm good I'm leaving on time. Everything's GonNa be great and then it's Oh shit. I'm not leaving on time. So then I'm going to be in a different traffic pattern. And then this traffic pattern is going to have an accident and now I'm going to get it in an accident. 'cause I'm ten minutes later than I was supposed to be and so now I'm going to be on the side of the road dying because you didn't put your fucking keys on the hook. I put my keys on the hook. I shouldn't be dying on the side of the road. This completely irrational thought pattern. It took me a minute to realize it. But that's really what happened. I was worried because I left four seconds later. I'd be different spot on the freeway than I was supposed to be. That was GONNA be the problem spot and something terrible was going to happen because I didn't leave when I thought I was supposed to leave. You became a victim of catastrophic thinking. It's where you played out the worst possible scenario in your own mind and then responded to it as if it actually happened. Yes one of the things that helped me really early on with catastrophic thinking is it can go the other way right. You can decide that. Oh my God. Atoms saved your life. If you would've left on time you would have got run over by a bus but because you left forty seconds later you were in a different traffic pattern. You're on the freeway at a completely different time. So now that bus when it changed lanes. Your car wasn't there. You are alive today. Because Adam didn't put his keys on the hook that is just as likely as a scenario as the one that our brains give us except that the ones that are brains give us their almost universally negative but you know what they both are false. Not Reality didn't happen. Untrue completely tiredly made up no. That's totally right. It is catastrophic to the worst possible degree right literally. Forty seconds difference and I'm dead on the side of the road in this scenario also like I couldn't reach my phone like I went really into it really far and I came home and I explained this to Adam and he looked at me like first of all. You are fucking crazy like literally..

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