The Biggest Mistakes People Make During Negotiations with Kwame Christian M.A. Esquire
Would you say. Kwami is the one single most important thing that we need to know to become a better negotiator. Basically sum up your entire world in one sentence. Here i guess is what we're asking easy easy you're always negotiating that's really it. And so the name for my podcast negotiate. Anything for the reason that i want. People to recognize that they're constantly negotiating. So the definition. I like to use for negotiation. Is anytime you're in a conversation and somebody wants something and so constantly negotiating so whenever. I am doing these trainings and i ask them. When they're negotiating they always start off with family. I then friends and then people at work. And then even if it's procurement people are negotiating deals or real estate folks. Then it gets those type of external negotiations and so the people were going to negotiate with the most are the people who are closest to us and so the number one thing that people need to recognize when it comes to negotiation is that negotiation is everywhere. That's one of the biggest barriers people have is that they have low negotiation awareness. They don't know when they're negotiating and if you don't know you're negotiating then you don't know to use the skills. I love that. Because i know so many people that we talked to in. They're like well. How do i practice my negotiation. I don't get into enough situations like contractors or with business partners or with vendors. That i feel like i can practice enough and i think you just said it perfectly there. You should be practicing every day whether you're talking to your kids whether you are at a restaurant and trying to order something that might not be on the menu anytime you're talking to somebody in either side. What something. It's a great way to put that you're always negotiating to. There's always the opportunity to practice. You have to put yourself in the mindset that is negotiation absolutely and i remember i was listening to one of your episodes before i think it was on the ship. Bigger pockets episode and carol. One of the things you mentioned. Was that the simplest thing you can do to practice you. Negotiate digest practice listening. Not talking in a conversation and it's really hard to do and it's so hard that i created a challenge just for myself maybe i'll make it public something like that. But it's just the listening challenge and i remember. I have a five year old and around the holidays. My son was acting up a bit in school. And so i said you know what i'm to take him to work with me and i will bore him to death and then he will appreciate school more. My mom thought it was a horrible idea and says she started off the conversation. Just criticizing me. And i said oh. This is an opportunity to practice. Okay so for fifteen minutes straight fifteen minutes straight. i didn't say anything other than summarizing. What she said asking. If i understood correctly and then asking what else fifteen minutes straight didn't say anything and i was dying inside. I want to make it abundantly clear. So it's not easy not easy at all to do and so we got to that fifteen minute point and she's like. Are you going to say anything. I said listen. Mom i just wanna listen. I am here to just hear your perspective. What else do you want to say. And then once. I got to the point where she said nope that's it. I said okay. Would you like to hear my perspective. Sure and then. I gave my perspective. She agreed right now. If you think about that conversation if i would have started off if if i would have started off that conversation would not have gone very well right but i went through that painful process of listening for the moment because it was effective in the moment but also thinking long term. This is a practice opportunity. If i can do it in this moment it'll be a lot easier in the future. And then at the end of the conversation. I asked her for feedback. I said how did you feel during this conversation. What could i have done differently. What could've done better. I'm seriously thinking about every single conversation whether it's with my five year old my wife and my mom whoever it is as a practice opportunity because it makes those bigger than more transactional negotiations a lot easier. I want to suggest that. Everybody just hit rewind ninety seconds or one hundred twenty seconds and listen to that again because if you learn nothing else from this episode that's going to change your negotiation ability right there. That's gonna take ten times better. I heard a quote the other day. And unfortunately i can't remember who said it and so who attributed to but something along the lines of most of us when we are listening to somebody else auk were thinking most of the time about what we're going to say next as opposed to what they are saying and when we do that. We don't really get the other person's viewpoint we don't really comprehend what they're saying. We're just thinking about how we're going to argue it and how we're gonna get our point across and so what you said was so important. I do wanna go back to one thing because you had an amazing nugget in there that you kind of glossed over. But i think is super important. I'd love for you to expand on it if you don't mind but you talked about during that fifteen minute conversation with your mom. You were reiterating back to her. Your interpretation of what she was saying and it wasn't just is a time filler. Wasn't just for you to have something to say. What was your reason for. Taking the time and reiterating back to her. What you thought she was saying. It's called the empathy loop and so what you do. Is you summarize what the person says and you do by saying this. it's a really simple format. Correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying x. y. z. Is that correct. And then you give them the opportunity to correct you and so this serves two purposes number one. It shows that you're listening and number two. It gets you points for listening. I think about it in terms of a game right where the other side is the referee. It doesn't matter if you're listening if they don't believe that you are in fact listening right and so what i do there is. I say yeah. Am i right there. And then they could either say yes or no and the added psychological bonuses. This people feel like they are in control when they have the opportunity to correct you. Think about it as a child and a parent who's correcting in school teacher versus student. Who's correcting who right. And so i'm saying you correctly. I'm giving you the power in this. Interaction makes them feel safer. Makes them trust you more and makes them feel more in control. Even though i'm not really conceding anything by doing that.