Partner, Jeremy, Lisa discussed on Forum

KQED Radio
| KQED Radio


Our Twitter handle is at K Q E D forum, and I should mention that this book was done in conjunction with Doug Abrahams and Rachel Carlin Abrahams. Dug even been on the foreign program in the past and you can be on the forum program. Now this hour if you have questions or comments for our guests, really got man loves a very many splendid thing. But it is as Williams says something, well, let me read this come into your Julie. Any Rick any recognition by your guests at relationships can run. Their course happiness can be found with different partner different partners. So happiness can be found with different partners. You look online these days. Dating online things you see people describing themselves as. Being let's say what's the word? They use sesame their polygamous. Yeah. Poly-amorous poly-amorous. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, some people can find happiness in poly-amorous families or Paul poly-amorous connections. There's quite a big community folks, you're poly-amorous in Seattle as well. And you know, I think the jury is. We don't really know yet. Whether poly-amorous relationships can be successful in the long term. You know, I think these folks are pioneers, they're working hard at it. They have to balance a lot of kind of typical instincts of human emotions that have to do with security or perhaps jealousy. But they also are really working hard to be skillful at communicating what they're feeling and what they're needing as I understand it. And so who knows perhaps those relationships can work as well. What would you say though, about over here from here some listeners on this? There's so much availability now on the internet in terms of one day after another you're talking about eight dates, but over an extended period of time, sometimes that I it can be make a break and sometimes people who are on their best behavior, the first date and can present themselves, very, well, and masquerade and sometimes the first day can go to hell, whereas if there were more dates it could have been maybe possible something could have been intimate. Yes. You know, you are absolutely right. All of us have that insecurity inside where we're terrified. We're going to be rejected. And so that first date we are on our best behavior. You know, we try on eighteen different sets of clothing to make sure we're just right? And so on. So this book is not necessarily for the very very first state. But maybe the third date. That's where it can start with new couples where at least, you know, there's an attraction which is important. There's some sparks there is interest. This person hasn't turned you off your curious about them. You want to know more about them and give you a road map for how to learn more about that individual. Forgive me is chemistry initially the the most important criteria. You would say. The most important criteria for a long lasting relationship. So I'm talking about initially when people just meet for the first time. Well, it's certainly important. I wouldn't say that it's completely, you know secondary. Depending on who you are you're a sexual if you're not looking for a relationship that's going to have physical passion in it. And you're meeting up with somebody who's not interested in that either. Then that's fine. But if sexuality is something that's important to you. Then. Yeah, chemistry is important in that first date, and it's typically what we kind of gravitate towards as sitting across from that person. And Jerry, I was just gonna say Gary one of our listeners wants to know if chemistry is a reliable predictor of longevity. They'd relationships. Absolutely not it has nothing to do with longevity. Isn't that interesting? The most important thing to longevity values of similar values shared values. Nope. It's not that either. Okay. The most important predictor of longevity actually is can you make repairs after a conversation has gone south. And I'll tell you why that matters because over time couples have disagreements they have differences they have to work those out in order to have a long lasting relationship. And inevitably they're going to do one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse as we call them. They may get critical at one point or defensive maybe even a little contemptuous, or maybe they get triggered and shut shutdown. How do they make a repair afterwards? Can they make a repair early enough to prevent greater emotional damage? It's that repair process that we found very important in terms of longevity. What about these couples? They may be very few in number. I suspect they are. But they're just lovey-dovey all the time. They're totally dedicated committed not just on the surface for show. But there's no argument. There's no perturbations. There's like nothing that rises between them. Well, you know, those probably are couples who are conflict avoiders, we have three sets of couples that we discovered in our research. There are those who are volatile in terms of dealing with conflict, very passionate, very intense. Very honest and direct. There are people who are what we call validate or who are more calm rational. They'll express some feelings, but it's mostly problem solving and rationality. And then there are folks who just agree to disagree, and they put it under the carpet, and they go on and folks like that tan have successful relationships to. However, they have to be careful because life is always delivering something that you don't expect and those relationships tend to be a little bit more brittle in terms of their ability to withstand. And vagaries of life can hit them. Others hoping domino gunnysacks to people. Keep those things inside. And then they come out later in different ways. But just a reminder that Jewish Wirtz gotten is our guest, and she's a clinical psychologist and co author of eight dates essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Let me go to our calls and Lisa let's begin with you. Good morning. Hi, good morning. I had a question about people who grew up in very traumatic childhood, and whether it really is possible to heal from that repair from that and enter into an adult relationship on beginning to doubt, it is. Wanted to know if it really is. I'm sorry. What was the reason for your doubt? If you could say. I think it's. When you come from that kind of background. I'm not even if he's done a lot of work on yourself. I don't know. You have to pick a good partner in the first place so much doesn't trigger all of those. Childhood traumas that you need to somehow replay on repair continues to haunt. I think is what you saw. Yeah. Just new partner. Apartments some thoughts. Yes. You know this. I completely empathize with you. Childhood. Trauma is one of the specialties that I treat and have for the last forty years. And here's what I've seen. You actually can have a successful relationship even with severe childhood trauma, things like incest, physical abuse outside sexual abuse, mental abuse, even torture. You still can have a successful relationship. The thing that is the most difficult is building trust. And so the important thing to do is to find a partner who sees tined who seems curious about you. You don't tell them all about your trauma right up front, but fairly soon after you've seen some markers that they're trustworthy things. Like, they call when they say they're gonna call they show up when they say they're gonna show up. So you very very very quietly begin to introduce to them some of the stuff you grow up with now. Does that scare them if it scares them and they run away? Okay. Well, and good. They're not the partner for you. But if they still feel compassion for you. They're there. They wanna listen, maybe they ask you some questions about it. They look like they're really feeling something in response to you. Those are all good times. I have I have seen relationships with some of the most severe traumatized individuals, and they can be even deeper and more meaningful. So I encourage you to have hope but trust very gradually very gradually. Lisa. She's telling you to have hope there is there. Creative hope for you in that. There is there doesn't it? I think the biggest thing is very helpful description of what to look for. 'cause I not keep most difficult is because. That was not model in my childhood. It is hard to know. What's look for until I think your description of the specific things to look far. I'm glad you got some sense of a help and. Upward. Lisa. Thank you for the call. Good to hear from you. And we'll hear from another caller. And that's Jeremy joining us from Emeryville. Jeremy welcome. Hello. And thank you. Both great. Great answers. Great discussion. I was just walk on and getting feedback on. Well, I'm in my forties. It's I pretty deep. Love I found and I'm happy about it today to give up a little, but it's the little things in the show. The most to me about each other helping each other with each other's goals, like helping my girlfriend gets work on dying assess rating day where phone didn't Johnson today. Waking up. Starting our T and so forth and. Reciprocation? That that sometimes surprising. I'm on as Senate just. Feels so right, and yes, it's got it's got bumps but talking through them as you said to be how you there seems to be the best and how you show in the little things. I think Jeremy you've hit on something that's quite important and like to hear your thoughts on the Shula government. I mean, you know, it's an old cliche. But the little things can matter do matter. Absolutely. As a matter of fact, we found that in our research, Jeremy, and it sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. So we had couples in an apartment lab who were there for twenty four hours, and we found that the most successful couples the ones who lasted for a lifetime. We're couples he turned towards each other in little ways they would do small things often for their partner. They would make them coffee. They might get up and turn off the TV if their partner didn't like the TV show they were watching they would ask their partner. How was your day at the end of the day? And they would actually really listen to the answer is. So that notion of turning toward is one of the big seven principles that make a relationship successful. So congratulations. Jeremy you're doing. Great. Thank you for the call, Jeremy. And speaking of seven principles listener writes, I love your books and your seminar, we read the seven principles for making marriage work, and we have the accompanying open ended cards. How is this new book different? The question every author loves filling. Well, that's a good one. All right. So this book is different in that the open ended questions are very helpful. Those are questions that couples can ask each other to just check in with each other. But this book really focuses more on deeper questions, the ones that go really way down into the heart, and our topic oriented for for example, things like sex and intimacy. What is it that you really like sexually what kind of touch? Do you like when do you like to make love where do you like to make love? How can I may be refused? Making love in a moment. If I'm not feeling like it without crushing your soul. So the questions that couples address in these chapters are more topic focus they talk about trust. What trust looks like to you? What commitment looks like to you? What your notion of family is and also in fun and adventure, which is a great chapter. How do you like to play? And there's lots of wonderful questions to talk about with. How do you like to have adventures versus wanting to sit at home and sit in front of the fireplace. What is it venture look? Like for you. Can I give you a great example? Love to hear a great example adventure, you bet. Okay. So here's a good one. So John, and I are completely different when it comes to our sense of adventure. So when we address that question John's answer is, you know, my great sense of adventure is sitting in my red chair reading physics and looking at derivatives equations, and my is cross migrate sensitive venture on the other hand is going mountain climbing in their Paul going up to Mount Everest. So okay. He gets sick on a ladder. How are we going to create a sense of adventure together? So we have to explore that question in all kinds of nuances and we hit upon we both love the sea. We both love to kayak, it's outdoors. But you're still sitting even though you're sitting in a move. Moving object, and you can have a wonderful time. So we have that for our sense of adventure and try to practice that as often as we can you hear I thought you were going to say you go to Nepal. He says at the foot of the mountain reading and you go climb not. Well, here's a listener. Who writes, my husband, and I talk regularly and one thing I've learned is to process my feelings before I talked to him. He's always helpful when I know what I need or when I don't and ask him to share his observations. I believe in the ease of a relationship. Yes. It's work, but it's joyful work. And he says is nothing like the five as attention acceptance appreciation affection, and allowing then will allow some more phone calls. We'll go next to Albany. Welcome. Elizabeth good morning. Good morning earlier in your in your in your conversation. You mentioned the difficulty of having relationships when you're in poverty, and and.

Coming up next