Download the bottom of the bottom of the pile and that's how it was living my life many people who know me know that. I'm not the most organized person so the idea of setting a calendar setting schedule for days. That was not something i was doing and so my life was run by whatever the most urgent thing was i was just jumping to the most pressing fire. And that's it. I also was not really finding joy in the things that were going on in my life. And i do think that part of that was still processing the grief of losing my mom. I'm i'm sure i don't really like to cry. I don't really like to show emotion Do i know that emotion is good. Yes do i think it's good for people to show emotion. Yes am i working on that. Yes has motherhood helped me. One hundred percent I guy more now. After having my boys than i ever did before But you know my mo. when. I'm grieving is i kind of stuff at down and i feel my thing my my life with things that are that are gonna take my mind off of it and because my life was so full and i was going from one urgent fire to the next to the next to the next. I also wasn't giving myself time to grieve and so there came a day. Where once again once again. I was feeling completely overwhelmed by what was going on in my life and in my home and i was having a conversation with my husband about how i was feeling that day. How was feeling a little overwhelmed and And he was asking some questions. It was not a heated conversation. But you know he was being honest with me trying to kind of understand where i'm coming from and and offer me outside perspective. And he said to me at the very end of that conversation he said to me. you know courtney. I don't think that you've really truly surrendered.