Volleyball, Binge Eating Disorder, New York discussed on The mindbodygreen Podcast
Works with clients in New York as well as globally as remote coach. Today we're going to talk about how she overcame. Struggles with mental health and eating disorder are great tips. I duNno under break up a someone how to spot a narcissist by narcissists and passer attracted to each other and we're also going to explore the Gut Brain Connection Action Megan's whatever favorites here at my buddy green. So it's an honor to have her here today back in welcome. Thank you for having me Jason. So let's let's rewind and start with your personal health journey personal health journey hoot mental physical or even differentiating between the two. Let's go let's do all of this okay well Gosh I mean I think for me. I am mental. Health is of course the area that is The most important to me the most relevant for me what we're going to talk about and that's of course related to physical health and you know the guy in the body and everything like that. So of course they're all interconnected affected but for me I'm I struggled with depression and anxiety and eating disorders for most of my life for a very long period in my life Started having symptoms of of Bulimia around fifteen. But before that I actually in retrospect realize I was struggling with anxiety and depression. But I didn't realize that not at the time. I just thought that I would like I don't really like dark poetry and loved Eminem kind of thing like kickboxing whatever else. I'm and what I didn't realize realized was a lot of that was caused by this chronic. Shame that I lived with and the perfectionism which we'll get into imagine but the perfectionism that I had adopted to try to avoid any kind of uncomfortable feelings to try to avoid feelings of rejection and sadness and loneliness and disappointment appointment and guilt and anxiety. Because I didn't know how to deal with them because I didn't have a good relationship to myself or to emotions I didn't know how to emotionally regulate. And so I had adopted this way of living my life and relating to myself where I just tried to never feel discomfort and in addition to that I also believe that if I could just get to a place where I I was like good enough and in this case it was thin enough. That was kind of where I put a lot of my my attention if I was thin enough if You know I was successful enough if I was Phthalic Taurean if I was athlete of the year if I got into a good school if I did my masters you know if I did all of these sorts of things if I was popular and then I would finally feel like I was enough and I would finally be able to kind of just like relax into life and not have to keep running and feeling like I was just always like anxiety was always nipping at my heels. Telling me like you could screw up. You could fail and interesting because like for a long time. I thought Gosh I. I've never really like. What have you ever failed? I was like nothing and I would. I thought for so long and I was like I guess I. Gosh it must be really good everything but I mean. I didn't actually believe that was kind of like the cognitive interpretation underneath I was so terrified. I wasn't good at anything but the the reason I'd never failed was because I never did anything I could possibly fail. So that's one of the ways that perfectionist manifest like. I'd orchestrated my life in a way that if like you know. I went and tried out for the volleyball team and I didn't make so. I never picked to play volleyball again. 'cause I was like what yes. They just can't do this you know. I'm not good at math so I never bird like took more courses in it. I didn't take a lot of people do these things. You're talking about myself included because like we're not taught I mean not everyone but at at least speaking for myself and for a lot of people are not really encouraged to do things imperfectly and to suck at things and to do things and like with a beginner's mind and so we put all this pressure on ourselves and I believed that like if I wasn't good at certain things than I was a failure. I can never get good at and so I live my life like that for a long time. However I career I realized that with the symptoms of Bulemia binging and purging restricting and we differentiate between different forms of eating disorders or disordered eating? But really for me. I approach it from a perspective of like you know. This is very blurred line between all of them and all roster all eating disorders are really restrictive disorders because even and something like binge eating disorder has like a restrictive component and usually comes from restriction restriction and dieting is what triggers eating disorders. Most of the time so for me me and I was struggling with for a very long time and I thought okay. Well what I'll do. My family had pretty served dysfunctional. I mean it's all relative but my my parents had gone through a really rough divorce and I didn't have a lot of Like adult her parental support and supervision. And when it was there it wasn't super consistent. Thanks my mom was going through her own stuff and so I was. I know what I'll do. I'll just get a master's in psychology and figure it out myself like thinking that that would be what would heal me and So fast forward. I did all of that. I went through. I got my masters an ironic. I mean I was like twenty four almost twenty five. Finishing my master's asters degree at that point might eating Sorta at turned anorexia and I was like in the pit of depression and in like a relationship where I was really unsupported and it basically like rock bottom as I was completing my master's degree like that was not necessarily giving me the answers that I've been looking for but what did happen was as I was at that place and you know really I think my lowest body weight I'd been at my boyfriend of three years left me and he left me for someone else and it was like my worst fear. That's what happened to my mom. And that's what I thought my whole life. I was like if I'm in people will love me. You know if I'm thin if I'd get get into this prestigious masters program if I do everything very successfully I can protect myself from pain and so when he left me I was like what the fuck doc I was like. What the fuck like the The lied like the World Light. Everything I know to be true is not true because I did everything right like here. I am like successful. Youngest person in my program by many years like I'm hardworking. I got the best internship I bought could possibly get him. You know I have my boyfriend and I'm super super thin and all these things and like I still was left and so that kind of flipped my world upside down and I realized Oh actually can't protect yourself from pain and a couple of other things happen at that time that we're really profound for me on one was I'd had so many over exercising injuries. That I went went to my physical therapist and he was like look. You can't keep going to the gym. I was like a personal trainer at the time on the side because again I thought that's what would make me dinner. Everything was always in pursuit of thinness. Yes and he was like look. You can't work out anymore you can't workout and you can't run the only thing I'll let you do is yoga. That's the only thing and I pushed back and he's like look you're going to ruin your body. Never run again so this only thing you can do and if not like I'm just giving you my professional opinion kind of thing and so I listened to him because I was scared and it was really like one of my only coping. Mechanisms was wasn't the healthiest to in the way that I was using it. But it was what I believed was a coping mechanism and so I started doing yoga and and what I realized through that process while in addition to you know my body really healing a lot of the injuries that I was dealing with I learned I started to recognize like feel my body. I started actually become in touch with the body that I had cut myself off from for so many years which you know when we go author trauma which most humans do we tend to dissociate. We tend to cut ourselves off from our bodies. And that's how we kind of operate in the world and most of us are walking around like unaware that we even have bodies and so I started to like wake up to my body and become more in touch with not only like my fiscal body but as a result my emotions and I started to learn how to be with the physical discomfort of like holding a yoga pose that I didn't enjoy and I also started to learn how to feel more of the Moshav Comfort that was coming up particularly at that time. My heartbreak break over over my boyfriend and the other thing that happened was I became really aware in the laboratory of the Yoga Room. Of how hard was it myself like. I would follow to oppose and that would beat myself up or you know. I wouldn't be able to stretch his deeply as I could have the day before and I would you know be comparing myself to someone else. Compared to myself to leak a past self or past version version myself in the Oval Room and so am I noticed like okay. Maybe I can take childs pose when everyone else is holding downward dog and I started to be a bit kinder find myself and I realized just how hard I've been myself and the final thing that's important was that when I was going through that heartbreak I push. I tried to push away my emotions for so long. I tried to because I'd always grown up being like fucking pathetic. You know to my mom who cried a lot and stuff like you know. People aren't supposed to be sad and that just means they're weak and so I had been judging myself for being so sad and I'd said like you know he wasn't good enough for you to get over it and stuff like that but it's impossible when you're going through grief to push those feelings away for very long and so finally surrendered into them and what. I didn't realize that was mindfulness. I didn't realize that in actually finally waking up one morning and being like okay sadness you can be here. I hope he don't stay for long but you can be here. I realized that I was experiencing on mindfulness and no longer creating what we call secondary emotions by I judging myself for having my primary ones prime motions meaning the emotions that are evolutionary. They're there for a reason. Therefore pro social reason survival region- reasons gives me a signals that we should listen. Listen to and unfortunately in our society we talk a lot about like positive thinking and like choosing happiness and actually like that's not helpful can also create those secondary motions. I described so you fast forward and through my own process of healing and through that discovering Buddhism and and spirituality and really starting to rework my relationship to myself I started to actually step out of my comfort zone and do things that scared me The thinks that avoided for so long. Because I didn't know how to deal with this comfort but now in knowing I could be with do things like rejection and disappointment anxiety and whatever comes along with failure I was like oh I can be kind to myself in response to my. Take these risks and through doing that. I was like you want always wanted to start a blog so I started a blog and I started writing about things that I was passionate about. You know I think we're really overmedicated. Society and I'm not against psycho pharmaceuticals suitable. But I think we're way too quick to prescribe depressants and anti anxiety medication and often times people are just like you know really lacking meaning their lives are lacking social connection etc so I started talking team but all the stuff and then I one day decided to try and submit an article to mind body green exactly and so read my Buddy Green and ice twenty thirteen. Yeah I think it was twenty four hundred twenty thirteen. It was right around there. Yeah twenty thirteen hundred fourteen and and I'd always read my buddy green. I just loved it because at that time I was reading it for more at more like an eating disorder place. I was looking for always like the latest nutritional information or ways that I could restrict and I I was like you know. This seems like an outlet that maybe would be interested in this and I actually had been an article that was rejected that I ended up post post like my yoga online at the time but it was another time where it's like. You want him to try this again which I never would have done before because in the past if I'd been rejected I would've like hard. No never done it again. So I sent you guys an article and I still remember like calling calling sister. Carey Shaw email from her like life-changing email just being like yeah we want to your we want. We want to publish this. And it was called twelve lifestyle. Factors that make you feel depressed and got what I wanted to share. It was like. Hey you're all these other things that make you feel depressed. It's not necessarily a neuro chemical imbalance in your brain. It's like again like diet movement social connection meaning meaning grief trauma and so..