Two Weeks, Both Partners, Both discussed on Velvet's Edge

Velvet's Edge


What can that look like. Lack of availability is that just. We've mentioned earlier the work thing. So if someone's working all the time is that considered lack of availability or is it something different. So this in that post something about like you said you said i either lack of of availability like that. She would just overlook that. yeah so. that's used work. So who's just work i had. I've had several Kodak relationships that where my partner was always working traveling on the road. I dated baseball. Agent for ears. Talk about you know quote unquote working baseball games hanging out with the players doing all the events all that sets up he was gone all the time and in matter how much i complained. That was not going to change. You know so looking back at that is why was that okay with. That's not the kind of relationship i wanted. But i was getting something out of it. You know so I stayed in it and other lack of availability because of an addiction. Maybe because they're having an affair maybe emotionally. They just are not. We're not in the same page on the same wavelength. You know You let's even let you say the most with i don't like the term healthiest. Let's say healthiest person ever You know the way you share the way you open up to someone the way that you're available and wanting to communicate with someone but yet the other person does not do reciprocate or isn't able to do that they're not on the same page I say emotionally because some people just aren't able to open up that way right but we'll stay in that as in love addiction. You know we'll stay in it and we'll do all this sharing and all the opening up and think we bring so vulnerable right when really. This person isn't even really opening up or showing us anything. So how vulnerable. Are we really being if we know we. Don't we know it's not being received talk. Reciprocated would honorable early really being so this is another thing because i used to say this a lot in my love addiction is like i'm i'm being so authentic and so vulnerable when really. I actually was guarding myself. Quite a bit you know. There's a difference between Being vulnerable and then being open and having boundaries right like you don't ability requires healthy boundaries. Too yeah otherwise. You're just dumping a bunch of stuff and you're jumping a lot of information and so in my love addiction. My partners for the most part were not seeing me. They weren't listening they weren't Able to hear everything i was saying. We're showing up for me. So anything i was sharing with them or the vulnerability was really knowing that they were not gonna turn around and say. Hey i see you. Thank you for sharing with me. Thanks for being so available so it's almost like safe. Does that make sense. Yes like they were never going to turn around and say hello. i'm hearing you. I'm seeing you on balloting you. I love you. i'm here for you. They were they always have their back to me in. You know in a way and so being the vulnerable one Which really wasn't that vulnerable. But feeling like i'm the one doing all this bomber ability work over year when really they weren't even looking at me so how vulnerable was are really being so really really. There's intimacy that it's just. There's no that's the protection you're talking about is that it was ready in some ways because you didn't have to really think about how vulnerable that was our because the intimacy wasn't actually happening right exactly and now that's my challenge in recovery is now that i'm in a long term relationship where this person shows up for me all the time and so for me to be able to be vulnerable and share. What's really going on with me and know that he's actually going to hold space and here and still berry theory for me to do that interesting. So why would. Why would we disregard like if you're looking at someone in your like. They're not that available would we is. It is exactly what were just talking about. Why would it be disregard. Their lack of availability so the way it works oftentimes with this co addicted dynamic. Is that both partners. Come together pretty quickly. And they both appear berry available and there's typically a possibly a lack of boundaries of over sharing maybe not always but the more love avoided partner doesn't appear avoid it at first there are available and even the more love addicted partner doesn't really feel insecure or anxious initially but then time goes on and the avoid i always say it starts with the void and partner pulling jess dolittle and that will trigger that attach movement in the attic and then the love addict starts to over function and a common message that might go through the love addicts head is shits. I've done something wrong because suddenly they're behaving differently you know and it can be really subtle. But they're just something's not quite right. You feel it because they're slower to texts back like being that only right do do if we shared it with a friend that might be like. What are you talking about. But we know because we're so hypersensitive to anyone's change in behavior because of our upbringing we can very sensitive to what someone's doing energetically and when they're turning away from us he and so we go into over functioning okay. So what. Can i get it back to where it was. And the more we over functions. The more avoidance will start to pull away more and so by then the dynamic has happened is i call it like the hook is in and so we are just caught up in that cycle of love addiction. Where we're the reality and we're staying focused on it. We can even use the the fantasy mail getting back to where it was when we first started dating because it seems so perfect then it was just for two weeks..

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