Agoraphobia discussed on Hope in the Night


With fear a long long time and wishing it would be gone and I have come a long way yeah I would leave my home before and I'm not that bad anymore but still I battle it every day as a Christian and a believer wow so you struggled with agoraphobia so many tears yeah yeah okay okay so when was the first time that you knew I mean there there's there's a fear of if you have some was playing a trick on you like my brother who would hide behind a door and then all of a sudden pop out and go boo okay that is normal fear when we're surprised we don't expect it and a slight it god gave us the capacity to have fear and there's a reason why we have it but I'm I know that's not what you're talking about you're talking about something that is excessive beyond the norm so help me no how old were you when this kind of fear took hold of the I started from there since I was I can remember eight right well and what was that you're related to I don't know there was so much going on in the home I guess it was fear of the only known normalcy no I don't know I can't I just like I just felt afraid of everything you know everything you know my dad would hit my mom you know only things are going on in the homes that were you know like yeah I lean in control you know I couldn't speak or you know or what it was a home where you just didn't speak unless you're asked the question are you know a and being a one man to because I am female you know that Manal what is the one that could speak or do whatever back not me I just had to obey and listen and be quiet well okay so it's like from early on it's like you're afraid of everything but what that means is there was no when you said no normalcy that is a great way to say it it's like if it's like life is unpredictable you don't know what I would watch I would watch TV and walks like like make room for Daddy year father's nose or something like that and then get in my house that was not like that and I couldn't understand the difference is there was total opposites is what it was but it wasn't anything like father knows best obviously fought your father did not know best because you had an art nurturing on on on the television you see a nurturing dad but instead your dad was fila I had to be perfect and the US and how successful were you at being perfect is not good at all well nobody's perfect the only person who's ever perfect was Jesus Christ himself when he was here on earth but you're saying the expectation toward you let's see here has to be perfect and yet that's unattainable and this is so helpful for you to describe so so I understand you said between eight and ten that's kind of when this excessive fear started so can you remember a scenario at the earliest scenario where you had this huge fear I want to say that watching I guess people died here he said that were happening around me and people workers dying and I mean it was so chaotic it will just life growing up with your souls chaotic in one always anger always physical abuse always a sexual abuse all we are where we live you know all it was that game so you know like gunfire around you know stuff like that and people are dying in all over here you know I was always afraid to go out of my house zero you know I always felt like I had to get off hi either get out there this constant fear everywhere to when you said people were dying it was that they died of natural causes or are cancer if you're talking about due to violent acts is that right yes yes well well that's the that is absolutely extreme so what happened to you when you were a teenager what was that like for you just trying to escape my home for the abuse so I ran away you know there's a lot of sexual abuse verbal abuse physical abuse so I ran away a lot in order lived in the street you know slept in cars and you know but been out there it was still scary you knowledge I felt like I was always hiding but at the same time trying to hide it like not let no one no you know in I've been shot at you know and so you know just running and trying to skate and I was there in that sometimes I am trying to run at the state you know so were you encountering gangs yourself yes were you in a gang yes and obviously typically when there's a gang there's not just your gang there is an opposing gang is that correct yes yeah so your life at times could have been on the line the cause of that yes did you join the gang for a place of safety like a sense of family yes did you have a choice about being in the gang well I think that now in hindsight I would say yes but at that time I didn't feel like it I live in their area so I had to you know yeah yep there money traction and kind well I just kind of wanna take you now and cuddle you and and protect you and yet I know as much as I desire that the lord is the one who can literally be the healer for you and yet that doesn't remit that doesn't mean your memories are gone please know how I hurt for you to have even grow up experiencing that where was your mom in office there she was there but she was also I mean to the woman she was also obedient you know when the I didn't feel like she was the protector in any way because she couldn't even protect her cell you know so not even protect me yeah yeah a lot of people don't know that that they don't they're not aware at the head multiple conversations I'm gonna be very candid with you with my well with all say relatives is that why didn't mother protect us and I would say he I didn't know how you know it's it's like blaming her when she stripped of her capacity even not knowing how to do this at all I I and unfortunately let me just ask have you had anger toward your mom because she didn't protect you I did at first but you know for a while but god help me do that I worked DOT process said I understand that she did the best she could with what she knew at the time one on one does she did the best that she could however you know that she did still you know they hurt you're now and I thought I did think about you know sometimes you know well I'm I'm very impressed with what you've just said the normal the norm is anger goes for the non offending parent because the assumption is.

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